Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Martini Club Welcomes Carolyn Crane, I Mean Annika Martin, I Mean...Oh Never Mind!

I am so excited this wonderful Sunday morning! One of my fav writers is here with us....Carolyn Crane, aka Annika Martin, aka former cocktail waitress, aka Mexican food-lover, aka cat owner. (I get everything but the cat business). Anyhoo, if you're not already confused (I sort of am!), Carolyn has a hilarious handy-dandy drink chart to discuss. Take it away, Car-ika!


Hey!  Happy Martini Club to everybody!

I was so pleased Penny invited me to post on Martini club. I think about drinking a lot. As a former cocktail waitress, I have complex ideas of what people drink, and what characters drink.

Back in my cocktail waitress days, I got really good at guessing what people would order before they ordered it.

Here’s a bit of what I remember from my system of how I would guess what people would order by how they looked:

If they looked like a frat boy -  Corona
Downtown pink collar - house white, Chablis,
Upscale female or bohemian wannabe - red wine
Grunge guys (this was the 90’s) - Leinenkugel beer, no glass. Never a glass!
Refined or mature rocker - Guinness or screwdriver
Rugged - scotch and water
Badass - whiskey up
Upscale badass - scotch up
Cultured urbane male - old scotch like McCallan up
Elegant singles night on the town - martini
Woo-hoo party, preppy, or people who seem like they might be into sailing - Gin & tonic
Hipster - Jagermeister shots, possibly with Leine bottle
Semi- hipster - Kamikaze shots, beer back
Arty mature - white russian, or coffee & kahlua
Suburban sporty - Miller or Miller Lite, with a glass
Laid back, stoner, or dredlocks - Tequila sunrise
Underage or novice - whiskey sour with a cherry
Novice woo-hoo party - obscure name (bellybutton on the beach, etc)

Blue Kamikaze Shots

As you see, it was a cynical system that really reduced people to a type, a box. It even dehumanized them a little bit. There are mean ones I didn’t include on there.

It only occurred to me later that what people drink is more than a pigeonhole you can put them into or a way to name and limit them.

The drinks people choose is more mysterious: one part taste, one part where they’ve been, one part who they are, and one part where they want to go, even aspirational. And you can’t see all that from just a drink and how a person dresses. In other words, drink choices are tied up in a person’s character arc.

People’s dreams and desires, and where they’ve been and where they are headed is a lot more interesting and human. And it’s just more accurate. So that’s how I look at drinks now, a bit of taste preference and a bit of character arc.

I think about that with my characters a lot, that their drinks are that—part where they’ve been and part who they want to be. In the Disillusionists, Packard drinks Ouzo, a drink from a sunny place far away. Ouzo is about freedom for him. In The Hostage Bargain (by my smutty-writing alter ego Annika Martin) my bank robbers drink scotch. They’re badass, but have been thrust into a position where they are forced to be more badass then they are. They are aspirational-badass.


Of course, I was done waiting tables before the explosion of fancy martinis. I don’t know what to think about the Scorpion! Or the Blue Cottontail!! Maybe you guys can enlighten me.

My favorite drink: champagne or, cranberry champagne cocktail

Cranberry Champagne Cocktail

Cranberry champagne cocktail

One part Cranberry juice
two parts sparkling wine

What does it mean to my former cynical cocktail waitress self? What would the Cranberry Champagne cocktail drinker pigeonhole me as? Probably something pathetic. Oh well! 


Cripes! I wonder what Carolyn would have thought of me at the bar? I drink mango martinis....

1. Mango: Tropical, easy-going, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants sort of gal
2. Rum: Party girl!
3. Splash of cranberry: Shout-out to my New England habitat, reference to cranberry bogs

Overall assessment: Quirky Suburban Housefrau Who Still Wears A Tiara At 45

(Carolyn probably would have been thinking....Geez! I hope that weird lady gives me a good tip!)

Super huge thanks to Carolyn for this fun piece today. Also, just in case you're in the mood for an incredibly great UF series, check out her Disillusionist Trilogy, and just in case you're in the mood for a hot, sexy, suspenseful story about a sheep farmer abducted by bank robbers, check out The Hostage Bargain.  

Happy Sloshy Sunday, All Yinz Guys!