Mad Libs for Romance Reviewers and Authors

Reviewers: Are you running out of original things to say about the books you read?

Authors: Need some new insulting comments to leave after crappy reviews?

Try the New And Improved MAD LIBS FOR ROMANCE REVIEWERS AND AUTHORS!!

Reviewers: Write your reviews in a matter of seconds! Come up with concise and entertaining observations!

Authors: Crush those idiotic reviewers with your scathing comments!

Give it a try.....

Review of                        [BOOK TITLE] by                     [AUTHOR NAME]


I found the hero of this book to be a                         

• hot alpha male with a 14-inch penis.
• metrosexual pansy-ass.
• brooding bastard.

The heroine of the story was                        

• a gentle, loving sex goddess who volunteered in a homeless shelter.
• a skanky ho-bag.
• a were-unicorn.

This book was a                       

• fantastic mix of hot, sweaty sex and love-at-first-sight.
• deranged sex fantasy, clearly thought up by a 13 year old boy.
• DIK, if Hugh Jackman lived on the island and liked role play.

The sex scenes made me want to                    

• join a convent.
• hurl.
• get it on with my next-door neighbor. And he's not even that cute. Seriously!

Overall, I thought the book was                       

• the greatest piece of literature since Moby Dick.
• a piece o' shite.
• meh.

Rating                     

• 5 sparkling stars.
• 2 pathetic bookworms.
• 4 hearts filled with unicorns and rainbows and glitter and Cabbage Patch dolls.

Initial Authors' Comments                     

• Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my book.
• Bite me.
• Do you have a high school diploma? Just checking.

In Response To Reviewer Outrage                         

• Why don't you try writing a book? F*ckwad.
• Do you know that I'm dying of a terminal disease? I only have 2 months to live.
• You obviously don't get the underlying important themes of Phantom Menace and its ramifications in modern-day society.

After Rabid Blogger Fan Girl Posse Attacks                         

• Let me guess....your favorite TV show is Jersey Shore? Am I right?
• If this book was too hard for you to understand, maybe you should try something a little bit easier. Like the Sunday comics.
• Does it make you feel good to disparage someone's life work? I spent YEARS on this book. What have you done lately? No, writing a shopping list for Claire's doesn't count. 

Final Wrap-Up For Reviewers                        

• Add author to SUPER DOUCHE-BAG; NEVER BUY LIST.
• Delete blog post.
• Get banned from Goodreads for all of eternity and beyond.

Final Wrap-Up For Authors                            

• Delete Twitter Account.
• Send half-hearted apology to all involved.
• Adopt a new identity and flee to Costa Rica.

Authors: Act now, and we'll throw in a new passport and over-sized sunglasses for identity protection!

Get your MAD LIBS FOR ROMANCE REVIEWERS AND AUTHORS today!

☺

Penny

Celebrities (And Authors) Behaving Badly

Even though it is in extremely poor taste, I like to visit certain websites that gossip about celebrities. Hey! I also visit websites about birding, dachshunds, and gardening tips, so I'm not all bad! Anyhoo, here is my take on the latest wackadoodle celebrity behavior....

1.) Mariah Carey wins Diva Of The Year. She insisted that her own music be playing while her babies were born. hee heeeeeee...... I know some celebrities have big egos, but that's gotta be right up there. I'm wondering what music selection she will choose for diaper changing.

2.) Jesse James. What can I say? After betraying his wife in spectacular fashion, he decides to write a book detailing the intimate moments of their lives, so he can cash in on her pain and suffering. What a stand-up guy. I love his excuse....Millions of guys cheat on their wives! What a winner. Well, Sandra may have made a whopper of a mistake when she married that schmo, but her adorable newly adopted son is a sweet pea. Go Team Sandra!

3.) Oh, Terminator, how could you? Arnie cheated on his wife with "the help," fathered a child, and kept it secret for ten years. I'm sort of amazed he could keep that a secret. But it's really not surprising. Just disappointing.

4.) When asked about his parenting style, Brad Pitt joked "I beat my kids regularly. That seems to do the trick." Ba dum bum. Okay, not really funny, but good try, Brad. By the way, he is looking REALLY badly lately (see photo below). What happened to Brad Cutie Pie?

5.) As many of you know, I frequent the Amazon Romance Message Boards. The big, breaking news recently is that Amazon finally decided to crack down on the spamming authors and force them to promote only in a designated "Meet The Author" area. These authors are now howling like wounded animals, accusing Amazon of infringing on their right (or is that "write"?) to free speech (hee hee!), convinced that they will never sell another book if they aren't free to pimp on the Ami boards. I have never seen such a bunch of whiners in my freakin' life.

I speak about promotion for writers, and honestly, the behavior I see at those boards could make up a "What Not To Do" reality television show. (Hey, what a cool idea!!!!! We could have hours of footage of folks working on their WIPs, sucking down diet Coke, and.....never mind. Bad idea.) The authors are fighting with readers, each other, complaining, whining, and offering up way too much personal information. Whatever happened to behaving in a "professional" manner? Whey do they feel entitled to free advertising at Amazon?

I published my first book with a very small publisher and had to do all the promotion for it myself (just like those indie authors). And guess what? I worked my ass off, contacting book bloggers, scheduling guest blog posts, blog tours, interviews, reviews, running contests and giveaways, creating a website, purchasing advertising spots, promoting myself (in a good way!) on Facebook and Goodreads, attending meetings, conferences and workshops. My book wasn't even available initially at Amazon, but nevertheless, I still managed to make a bestseller list at Fictionwise during my release month. Why? Because I worked my ass off, that's why! I researched appropriate bloggers who liked my genre and didn't force my book down anyone's throat. At gunpoint. With insults hurled at them.

One word comes to mind when I venture over there: unsavory. And I like Britney! So that's saying something.

On the reading front....I am heartily enjoying Jane Slayre. There is something extremely satisfying about Jane kicking some zombie ass instead of getting crapped on all the time. I love that!

Hope Yinz All Have A Happy Day!
Penelope