Bite Down Brits, Alpha Chick Werewolves, and Horny Gorillas From Outer Space

Sometimes, as I'm reading a book, I wonder how the author composed a query letter trying to sell it. Because the premise is so wacky, it's hard to believe a publisher heard the pitch and then said...."This sounds great!" Here's an example.....


Dear Joe Schmo Publishing Co,

I hope you will consider publishing my story. It's a 30 page quickie about a super horny alpha male gorilla alien dude from outer space who kidnaps an earth girl to use as a sex slave, chases after her in the jungle, and then she gets trapped by a super horny alien plant that fondles her sex organs and tries to suck her dry until she goes completely insane (hence the title Dementia), but then the "hero" finds her and boinks her for most of the 30 pages, and then they decide they are hopelessly in love with each other.

I have been a member of the RWA for 14 years, and I live in Ohio with 37 cats and a pot-bellied pig.

Sincerely,
Susi Q Author



Dear Susi Q,

We'll take it!

Sincerely,
Joe Schmo



The super short quickie (took me about 5-10 minutes to read it, and cost me $4, which was irksome) Dementia was recommended as a "Tarzan and Jane" style book on the Amazon boards. Yep, it had a jungle and a super horny "hero"....and it was definitely a sexy story. It's part of a series, and I'm sure if I had read the rest of this series perhaps this book would have made more sense to me. It was a little too wonky, even for Penelope. Grade: C+


Next update....I read The Art Of Seducing A Naked Werewolf  by Molly Harper. Interesting thing about this new series by Molly Harper....these books are written in first person POV, but the first book is written by Mo (non werewolf with a killer sense of humor), and the second book is written in Maggie's POV (she is now the female alpha leader of her werewolf pack). This is the first time I have seen a series where the books are being told in first person POV by different characters, with very different "voices." Part of the reason that How To Flirt With A Naked Werewolf (first book in the series) was so adorable and cute is that the heroine's voice is spunky, sassy, sarcastic and hilarious. There is a real energy and sparkle to that book. Maggie, the heroine of the second book, has quite a different voice. So this book has a different feel to it. Harper's humor still comes through in this one, but it is not as zingy, not as sparkly. I felt like I was slogging through this one at times....places with too many info dumps, and one of my big pet peeves in romance--the hero and heroine were not together for a big chunk of the book. The best part of a romance is the chemistry between the hero and heroine, not the damned plot. If that's missing, so is the sparkle. This one fell flat for me. Other problems I had with it....not nearly as sexy as the first one, and a huge TSTL moment in the book for the heroine that pissed me off. Right after giving her cousin serious crap about running in the woods alone and almost getting killed, Maggie decides to...go off to run in the woods alone. I was disappointed with this one, but still love the humor of this author, and look forward to reading more of her books. Grade: C+

Finally, huge gigantic thanks to Patti from the blog Book Addict. I was in a foul, horrible mood and asked folks on twitter for a book recommendation to cheer me up, and Patti recommended The Unidentified Redhead by Alice Clayton. This was just what the doctor ordered, baby! So hilarious I could not stop laughing out loud. Alice Clayton accomplished two things with this book that impressed the hell out of me. One, she made her first person POV heroine sassy without being a pain in the arse (I loved her!), and two, she made this book incredibly sexy. It's not easy writing first person POV sex scenes and making them hot. This book was smoking hot, had unbelievably great chemistry between the hero and heroine, fabulous secondary characters, and was chock full of excellent pop culture references that made me swoon. The New Kids On The Block! Cory Haim! So great! I usually hate blond, curly haired heroes, but this Brit was super delish. The scene where they are eating in bed, and she is picking out melba toasts from the chex mix for him, and he is picking out wheat chex for her, and.....OK, you had to be there, but seriously, it's adorable! Any author who can make chex mix romantic is a winner in my book. Grade: A

Sincerely,
Joe Schmo Publisher I mean Penelope

Review of How To Flirt With A Naked Werewolf by Molly Harper

How To Flirt With A Naked Werewolf by Molly Harper

Oh boy! I forgot how much I love this author. Her humor, her writing, her cute first person POV heroine with the great one-liners. This book was just what the doctor ordered to erase the disturbing bearotica images from my traumatized brain.

First of all, the cover is adorable and original in the world of romance novels. Love it! Second of all, this story is set in Alaska, home of many big, burly, hairy guys. And bears.

(Hmmm. I didn't realize how many similarities this book has with Bearotica: Hot and Hairy Fiction. Disturbing.)

Anyhow, right from the beginning of the book, I knew I was going to like it....

"Our conversation was interrupted several times by locals who approached me to introduce themselves. Well, local men who approached me to introduce themselves. Big, burly, and in most cases barely shaved, they were polite, even courtly, as they sidled up to my bar stool......" (Hold on a minute while I check air fare to Alaska.....)

OK! I'm back. Too expensive.

The premise for the story is great....a city girl escapes to Alaska to start a new life free of her hippy parents' interference. The hippy parents and Mo's atypical upbringing are hilarious. The werewolf hero, Cooper, is sexy and protective, although we don't really get to know him well enough in my opinion. And the icing on the romance novel cake? There is a dachshund in this book! An argyle-sweater-wearing, bear-fighting weenie dog. Super epic win!

Harper's humor is her strong point. The story soars when Mo is making funny observations about life in Alaska. As the story skips to more disturbing material (bloody werewolf deaths, an attack on Mo, etc), the story is not as effective and the pacing sometimes drags. I also thought we didn't get to know Cooper well enough. He spends a lot of time scowling and brooding, (and of course having fantastic sex with the heroine), but not enough time getting to know her.

In spite of these shortcomings, I loved the story. I was worried about Alan, the rejected suitor looking for love in the wilds of Alaska, and Harper wrapped up that loose end in a sweet and tidy way. (Which involved purchasing mega-packs of condoms at Bulk Wonderland...hee hee!).

This is a sweet, fun story, and I'm looking forward to reading the next one in the series, The Art Of Seducing A Naked Werewolf.

Grade: B+

Penelope

Tasty Mysteries and Hilarious Vamps: My Weekend

Here's my quickie weekend reading update. I realized recently that my long reviews turned into short reviews, which turned into one sentence summaries. Pretty soon I'll be writing in shorthand. Trying to get 40,000 words written in one month while still maintaining my regular reading schedule is getting tough. Needless to say, my kitchen is a mess and I can't see my husband past the pile of laundry on my bed!

Fatally Flaky by Diane Mott Davidson (#15 of the Goldy Bear Culinary Mystery Series)

Before I became addicted to romance novels, I was addicted to mysteries. This series is right up my alley....no blood and guts, lots of humor, a cute curly haired heroine married to a big cuddly teddy bear-police officer, and a smidge of romance thrown in for good measure. Because the heroine is a caterer, there are recipes included in every book (love it!). Fatally Flaky was a fun addition to this series. I like the fact that Goldy has finally gotten some self-confidence after all these years. And, I can't wait to try the Nutcase Cranberry-Apricot Bread. Grade: B+

Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs by Molly Harper

Oh. My. God. I thought I had hit my limit with first person snarky vampire heroines, but evidently I was wrong. I loved this book. Loved. Loved. Loved. There are so many excellent one-liners in this book, I don't even know where to begin. I could not stop laughing out loud. Harper has done a fabulous job with the humor, pacing and hilarious characters in this story. Here is one of my favorite snippets...

"If you want to hurt me, fine. Take my books. Burn down my house. Shave my head while I'm sleeping. But nobody, nobody screws with my dog."

Hee hee hee. I couldn't agree more! Grade: A

Penelope