Zombies V Nun: Chapter Six

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Six

The Final Chapter

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Pearl whispered a prayer of gratitude as she and Caleb entered the vintner’s courtyard. Thanks to a gated drawbridge and moat, the poor, unfortunate undead people had avoided this area of the convent. It was lucky that Caleb had picked up a pitchfork on the way. He needed it to impale Sister Lucia Leonard, who’d been hanging gleefully on the gate with Sister Alessandra’s head. Now both of them were at the bottom of the pond.

“Oh my goodness,” said Pearl, shaking her head sadly. “What are we going to do?”

Caleb wiped his bloody hands on his apron. “Don’t think any amount of bleach is going to fix this mess.”

Both of them stared at the screeching zombies on the other side of the moat.

“Uh, Caleb, how long do you think we can fend them off? I sure hope we don’t have another dry season, like last spring. If the water in that moat disappears….” Pearl paused dramatically.

“…we’re zombie amuse-bouche. I get it.” Caleb grabbed Pearl by the arm, pulled her against his bloody clothes, and kissed her passionately.

“Caleb! Have you lost your mind? I’m a nun!”

“For Christ’s sake, Pearl, if you haven’t noticed, we’re pretty freakin’ close to being zombie brunch. It’s not gonna matter if we fool around and drink some of Sister Rosetta’s wine collection now. Our days are numbered. The end is near. We’re gonna be taking a dirt nap. There’s no hope….”

Pearl rolled her eyes. “Enough! I get it. We might as well have a glass of wine and wait for our undead destiny.”

“Yeah. If I’m going to get eaten by Sister Roberta, I damned well wanna be off-my-rocker, puking-my-guts-out, bloody, bloomin’ stinkin’ drunk.”

The last two survivors of the Holy Sisters of Saint Matthew sat down on a bench, opened up the 2009 Merlot, and proceeded to get totally shit-faced. Sister Pearl had to admit that when the zombies finally figured out how to fling their surprisingly flexible limbs over the moat, she was feeling no pain.

As Sister Roberta roared toward her, with her bloody gnashing teeth, Pearl stood up in her revealing mini-skirt ensemble and faced her unflinchingly. Just as the undead nun leaned in for a snack, Pearl flung her glass of wine at the hideous face and yelled “Take that, you horrible monster!”

Roberta stilled, licked her remaining lips, and said, “Hmmm. Excellent bouquet.”

“Holy crap! The wine! It’s the antidote! The shitastic wine!” Caleb grabbed an armful of bottles and raced to the moat. He cracked them against the stone wall and splashed the zombies with a mixture of zinfandel, pinot grigio, and cab. The undead horde smacked their oozing lips together and grumbled in satisfaction. Soon, the lot of them were sitting in a stupor by the moat, guzzling bottles of wine.

Sister Roberta patted Pearl on the back. “Well, you saved the day, my dear. I fear we have a rather big clean-up on our hands.” She looked down and realized both of her hands were missing. “Oops! Guess I’m getting out of clean-up duty.”

Pearl, Caleb and Roberta chuckled as the Zombie Apocalypse came to a wine-soaked conclusion.

THE END

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Yes, it's true. Penelope penned a zombie apocalypse story with a happy ending. Did you expect anything less from this romance-lover? Puh-leese!

For those of you who missed the beginning of this long-winded and bloody saga, here are some links....

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Hope you enjoyed the story!

Time for a nice glass of wine,

Penelope

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Five

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Five

Who Needs A Horse When You've Got A Vespa?

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The courtyard reminded Pearl of the old joke…What’s black and white and red all over? Only the punch line wasn’t “a newspaper.” In this instance, the punch line would be “a bunch of undead nuns.”

Staggering about the courtyard like a gang of drunken undead sailors wearing nun habits covered with blood and guts, the sisters turned viciously towards the Vespas.

“Gun it, Pearl! They smell fresh blood!”

Caleb and Pearl tore madly through the courtyard, rolling over limbs and intestines and other items that Pearl didn’t want to identify.

They had almost cleared the lot when Sister Helena Beauregard Bacon stumbled into their path. Sister Helena weighed a good three hundred and fifty five pounds alive. As an undead person, with Sister Genevive’s leg wrapped around her beefy neck, she easily weighed an even four hundred. There was simply no way the Vespas would get by her. She looked pissed. And hungry.

Pearl pulled the chain-saw from her cute wicker basket, fired it up, and grabbed it left-handed. (Luckily for Pearl, she was ambidextrous). She held the saw in front of her like a Knight of the Round Table wielding a sword and mowed down Sister Helena in grand fashion.

Caleb gave an admiring whistle as they flew down the road to the vintner’s cottage.

“I never knew you had it in you, Pearl! Nice hacking!”

Pearl blushed and tucked the bloody saw into the basket. She wondered fleetingly how to clean stains off wicker.

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Last chapter tomorrow. Will there be a happy ending? What will happen to Pearl and Caleb? Will the blood stains come off the wicker basket? Stay tuned for Chapter Six - The Final Chapter.

Older episodes....
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four

I want a Vespa,

Penelope

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Four

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Four

Pearl Learns To Use A Chain-Saw

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…..into a hedge of boxwoods. Luckily, boxwoods were fairly cushy shrubs, although they also offered a bit of support. Caleb and Pearl stood up, brushed themselves off, and sprinted towards the garage.

Caleb flung open the doors and Pearl saw the sweetest sight of her life.

A shiny, cherry red Vespa with a little wicker basket on the back. If it hadn’t been for the gnarled hand sticking out of the basket, it would have been just perfect!

“Urggggggh! Urrrrrrgh! Uuuuuuurgh!” Father Thomas reached for her with his stump of an arm. Pearl whipped the potato masher from her belt and slammed him across the forehead. She never really liked Father Thomas very much.

“Take that, you….you…Heathen!”

Caleb chuckled. “We need to work on your cuss words, Pearl.” He swung his knife at Jimmy the Toilet Bowl-Brusher, and decapitated the poor, slobbering undead hired hand.

Pearl continued to smack Father Thomas with her whisk and potato masher, but it wasn’t having the desired effect.

SLAM! Pearl slashed his head with the whisk.

“Uurrrrrgh!” Father Thomas rubbed his forehead in a bewildered manner and lunged again.

SMACK! Pearl banged the potato masher against his bloody, pus-filled crusty ear.

“URRRGGGGH!” Father Thomas yanked the kitchen utensil from her hand.

“Darn it, Caleb. I need some more effective weapons. These kitchen tools just aren’t cutting it!”

“Nice pun, Pearl!” Caleb lifted a shovel, chain-saw and pitch-fork from pegs on the wall. He fired up the saw, tossed it handle-first to Pearl, and egged her on. “Let ‘er rip, baby.”

Pearl ignored the rude term of endearment, swung the chain-saw around, and made quick work of Father Thomas’ ghastly noggin.

Her skirt was tattered, her shiny shoes were covered with bile and bits of flesh. Her veil had fallen off in the boxwood bushes, and her pristine habit was now speckled with blood. But Pearl didn’t have time to ponder her embarrassing appearance. She and Caleb dashed to the Vespas, turned on the ignitions, and roared out of the garage.

And straight into Hell.

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Oh, Pearl! You are a bad-ass nun!

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

And tomorrow, Chapter Five....Who Needs A Horse When You've Got A Vespa?

Happy Reading,

Penny

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Three

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Three

Pearl Gets a Mini-Skirt

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As Pearl and Caleb raced to the tower steps, Pearl became aware of an extremely loud ruckus. It was an odd mix of snarls, screeches and shockingly bad harpsichord music. The music room, which was right next to the dormitory, had legions of zombies hanging from the windows. Young nuns, old nuns, fat nuns and skinny nuns. Attempting to play the triangle. Stab things with flutes. Smashing guitars against the stone wall. And it looked like they were eating Mrs. Humperdink (the choral director)’s brains. Frankly, Pearl was surprised that Mrs. Humperdink had any brains. She had placed June Atkins in the mezzo-soprano section, when she was clearly a contralto. Nevertheless, her choir-leading days were now over.

“Good God!”  yelled Caleb. “Sure doesn’t look like The Sound Of Music anymore, does it?”

Sister Anna Johnson flung a clarinet out the window and screeched at the top of her now-dead-and-decaying lungs.

Pearl cringed. “Um, Caleb, I hesitate to point this out….”

Caleb shot her a stern look. “What is it, Pearl? Time’s a-wasting. We need to hurry.” He grabbed her hand as they rushed down the steps.

Pearl pointed to the bottom of the stairs. “I think we have company. And they look hungry.”

Sure enough, at the bottom of the spiral stairs was a horde of snarling zombies clamoring up the tower.

        

“Shit!” Caleb yelled dramatically and they stopped half-way down the steps and reversed direction. “Run, Pearl, run!”

Pearl’s heart nearly stopped as she felt a cold, clammy hand pinch her ankle. She looked down and Sister Amelia’s pudgy green fingers were snagged on the bottom of her skirt. Pearl screamed and walloped the undead sister with her whisk.

“Let….me…..go!” As Pearl wrenched herself free from the gurgling nun, she heard a loud ripping sound. She continued running up the stairs, but Amelia did not let go of her skirt. By the time Pearl made it to the top of the spiral staircase, all she had left of her lovely habit was a barely-there mini-skirt.

Caleb raised a brow in appreciation. “Nice gams, Pearl.”

Pearl smacked him on the shoulder with her potato masher. “Really, Caleb!”

He snickered, but sobered quickly as the zombies approached the top of the staircase. “We gotta get out of here. I have an idea!”

Pearl slipped the potato masher and whisk into her black wool belt and followed Caleb through a window.

“What are we doing?” Pearl whispered hoarsely as they stood on the edge of a balcony overlooking the courtyard.

Caleb pointed to the garage at the other side of the square. “We’re heading there. If we can grab a couple of Vespas, we can make it to the vintner’s cottage. Ready, Pearl?”

She nodded.

And then they jumped……

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Oh my God! What's going to happen? Hee hee......

To read Chapter One, go here.

For Chapter Two, go here.

Chapter Four (Pearl Learns To Use A Chain-Saw) will be up tomorrow.

Ciao!

Penny

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Two

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Two

Potato Mashers Aren't Just For Mashing Potatoes Anymore

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Pearl was shocked to see Caleb in her room. The Cook never ventured far from the kitchen. But since it appeared that some extraordinary events were occurring, she supposed that this lack of propriety was all right.

“Caleb, zombies aren’t real. They only happen on television shows, and movies, and comic books.” Pearl cleared her throat. “Not that I, personally, have seen any of these disturbing forms of entertainment. But that’s what I hear.”

Caleb opened his mouth to say something, but was rudely interrupted by Sister Euphonia. She flung open the door and lunged for him.

Pearl knew that Sister Euphonia took great pride in her appearance. Her coif was always starched to perfection, resembling a giant sailboat. Her wimple was never creased or stained. And her rosary always sparkled after a good polishing on Monday mornings.

Today, however, Sister Euphonia was looking less than dignified. Her coif was smashed on one side, her wimple was covered with blood, and it looked like someone’s finger was dangling from her rosary. Sister Euphonia was also one of the strongest members of the soprano section in choir, but today she was making hideous gurgling noises and growls. It was really too much to take in!

Just as the wayward nun attempted to bite Caleb’s tattooed arm, he raised the knife in the air and sliced off Sister Euphonia’s head, crumpled coif and all.

“Oh my goodness! Was that really necessary?” Pearl watched the head bobble around her floor and finally stop in front of the desk. “Caleb! What are you thinking!”

Caleb rolled his eyes. “I’m thinking I want to live, Pearl. It’s us vs. them. Get it? There’s no hope for them now. We need to do what’s necessary to survive.”

He pulled a potato masher from one pocket and a whisk from another. “Here. I know these aren’t the best weapons, but I was in a hurry as I ran out of the kitchen. I just grabbed the first things I could. Sister Henrietta was trying to eat my leg.”

Pearl glanced down at Caleb’s leg and noticed some smudges on his pants.

“Oh my. What is that?”

Caleb shrugged. “Sister H’s brains. Let’s go!”

The Cook grabbed Pearl by the arm and pushed her to the door.

“We’re heading to the vintner’s cottage on the north side. It’s surrounded by water. If we can disable the wooden bridge, it will keep us safe for a while.”

“How is that possible?”

“These fuckers can’t swim. I pushed one into the duck pond and it sank like a stone. It’s our ace in the hole. It’s our salvation. It’s our only hope. It’s….”

Pearl raised a hand. “I get it, Caleb. Let’s go!”

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For Chapter One, go here.

Chapter Three is coming tomorrow.... Pearl Gets A Mini-Skirt

Have a nice day!
Penny

Zombies V Nun: Chapter One

Zombies V Nun: Chapter One

The Zombie Apocalypse

aka, The Adventures of Sister Alessa Chressendra Malika Elizabetta Christenson

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A cold wind was blowing.

A hot wind was blowing.

It was windy out, for Christ’s sake.

Sister Melinda Belinda Alessa Chressendra Malika Elizabetta Christenson (known to her close friends as Pearl), stared out the window of her convent room. She was lucky enough to have the “tower” room, where it was rumored that Pope Pius IX had once visited in 1875. Normally, on a Wednesday morning, it was quiet at the Holy Sisters of Saint Matthew (St Matthew was the patron saint of accountants).  All of the sisters were busy with their auditing and finance homework. Pearl was used to the sound of songbirds tweeting from the trees outside her window. And the tap-tap-tap of a calculator. Sometimes she could hear Sister Angelina singing hymns next door.

But this morning a very strange noise interrupted her thoughts. (She was thinking about how much she liked the latest Selena Gomez music video).  This Wednesday morning she heard a different kind of sound. A squishy, crunchy, growly sort of sound. She tiptoed to the window and peeked outside.

Jon-Jon the Gardener was standing next to a flower bed. He had a rake in one hand. And a funny look on his face. (Well, only half of his face, actually). That was because the other half of his face was gone. It appeared to be inside Frank the Handyman’s mouth. And partially on his plaid shirt. For some unknown reason, Frank the Handyman appeared to be noshing on Jon-Jon’s face. Which would account for the squishy, crunchy, growly sounds Pearl was hearing.

Pearl raised a hand to her throat and whispered “Dear God in Heaven. What is happening?”

Just at that moment, Caleb the Cook rushed into her room. He was a massive African-American man with a bald head, a small and tasteful gold hoop earring in his right ear, and a beautiful tattoo of his mother on his left bicep. He was currently holding a gigantic knife in one hand. And a pair of scissors in the other. He had some spots of blood on his apron. (Which wasn’t that surprising, since he was a cook and sometimes butchered chickens for dinner).

“Pearl, not sure if God in Heaven is going to answer your question. But I’ll tell you what’s happening. Looks like we’re about to enter The Zombie Apocalypse, sweetheart. Grab your crucifix if you want to live.”

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Stay tuned for Chapter Two, Potato Mashers Aren't Just For Mashing Potatoes Anymore coming tomorrow.

All my best,

Penelope