Orgie Porgie Puddin' and Pie

Do you hear that?

It's the sound...the sound...the sound of silence!

YEE HAW!

For the first time in 6 days, the kids and the hubby are back to school and work and I finally have a moment of peace and quiet to myself.

*Penny slurps coffee and enjoys peace and quiet*

Here are some updates!

1.) Every once in a while, Julia Rachel Barrett will make a comment about her "menage" book and giggle. That's right. She's actually incapable of discussing this book without laughing. I kept hearing about the "menage" book, and I incorrectly concluded it was a "menage a trois" which, for those of you not familiar with the French language, is a "threesome." So, I decided to read this giggly threesome, One Four All. The heroine is Lira, a totally kick-ass royal from another planet. And her "good buddies" (French for "good buddies") are Cer, Redda, and Kepp. Wait a minute. Cer, Redda and Kepp. That's three good buddies. Let's do the math...

3 good buddies + 1 heroine = 4! 

OH MY GOD! This isn't a menage a trois! This is a foursome! Julia wrote an orgy book! (The title One Four All should have been a dead give-away, but I guess I'm a bit dense.)

I tormented Julia for several days with the fact that she did indeed write an orgy book. However, I wasn't giggling while I read it. I was sweating! This book is hot! It is also extremely well-written, has a cool sci fi storyline, a very believable 4-some going on--dealing with feelings of possessiveness, lust and love--and a satisfying ending. It's one of the best written multi-partner (a.k.a., orgy) books I've read. Nevertheless, I shall continue to torment Julia. Coz it's fun!

2.) Just in case you like quirky, outside-of-the-box stuff (like moi), Carolyn Crane, one of my all-time favorite authors, has some new books out. Mr. Real is a mish-mash paranormal/spy book/romance. And her alter-ego Annika Martin has #2 of the Bank Robbers series out...it's The Wrong Turn. Not to be confused with the movie Wrong Turn, which is super gory and disgusting, and yes I've watched it about 20 times. So sue me.

3.) I'm thrilled the Goodreads group Kindle Smut has chosen LUMBERJACK IN LOVE for one of its November book selections. Hopefully they'll be in the mood for a beardy love-fest! Feedback about my latest release ranges from good ("great book!" "short and sweet" "pure fun read") to meh ("meh" "corny" "didn't like the cover"). As always, I appreciate the wide array of feedback, good and bad. C'est la vie (French for "the reader is always right").

4.) I am getting ready for another conference this weekend. So far my preparation has included polishing my nails with Big Money Sally Hansen nail polish.

5.) The photo above is our jack-o-lantern. My adorable hubby did this custom doxie pumpkin for us. So cool!

6.) As many of you know, this month is NaNoWriMo. Since I am resuming work on my children's book, LUCY THE WONDER WEENIE, my month will henceforth be known as WeeWeeMoMo (French for "livre de teckels").

7.) After discovering some interesting things in my search engine history (*cough, cough*), I decided it was time to have THE TALK with my daughter who is nine years old. So, I got the American Girl book The Care and Keeping of You. We chatted for about 10 minutes. I think I used the word "egg" "embryo" and "uterus" although I'm not exactly sure because I seem to have blocked out the entire experience. All I remember is my daughter rolling her eyes and saying "I know that, Mom!" with complete exasperation. (Just in case you were wondering, "les oiseaux et les abeilles" is "the birds and the bees" in French).

So, those are the updates for the week! I hope everyone had a festive Halloween.

All my best,

Penelope

The Martini Club Welcomes Carolyn Crane, I Mean Annika Martin, I Mean...Oh Never Mind!

I am so excited this wonderful Sunday morning! One of my fav writers is here with us....Carolyn Crane, aka Annika Martin, aka former cocktail waitress, aka Mexican food-lover, aka cat owner. (I get everything but the cat business). Anyhoo, if you're not already confused (I sort of am!), Carolyn has a hilarious handy-dandy drink chart to discuss. Take it away, Car-ika!

******

Hey!  Happy Martini Club to everybody!

I was so pleased Penny invited me to post on Martini club. I think about drinking a lot. As a former cocktail waitress, I have complex ideas of what people drink, and what characters drink.

Back in my cocktail waitress days, I got really good at guessing what people would order before they ordered it.

Here’s a bit of what I remember from my system of how I would guess what people would order by how they looked:

If they looked like a frat boy -  Corona

Downtown pink collar - house white, Chablis,

Upscale female or bohemian wannabe - red wine

Grunge guys (this was the 90’s) - Leinenkugel beer, no glass. Never a glass!

Refined or mature rocker - Guinness or screwdriver

Rugged - scotch and water

Badass - whiskey up

Upscale badass - scotch up

Cultured urbane male - old scotch like McCallan up

Elegant singles night on the town - martini

Woo-hoo party, preppy, or people who seem like they might be into sailing - Gin & tonic

Hipster - Jagermeister shots, possibly with Leine bottle

Semi- hipster - Kamikaze shots, beer back

Arty mature - white russian, or coffee & kahlua

Suburban sporty - Miller or Miller Lite, with a glass

Laid back, stoner, or dredlocks - Tequila sunrise

Underage or novice - whiskey sour with a cherry

Novice woo-hoo party - obscure name (bellybutton on the beach, etc)

Blue Kamikaze Shots

As you see, it was a cynical system that really reduced people to a type, a box. It even dehumanized them a little bit. There are mean ones I didn’t include on there.

It only occurred to me later that what people drink is more than a pigeonhole you can put them into or a way to name and limit them.

The drinks people choose is more mysterious: one part taste, one part where they’ve been, one part who they are, and one part where they want to go, even aspirational. And you can’t see all that from just a drink and how a person dresses. In other words, drink choices are tied up in a person’s character arc.

People’s dreams and desires, and where they’ve been and where they are headed is a lot more interesting and human. And it’s just more accurate. So that’s how I look at drinks now, a bit of taste preference and a bit of character arc.

I think about that with my characters a lot, that their drinks are that—part where they’ve been and part who they want to be. In the Disillusionists, Packard drinks Ouzo, a drink from a sunny place far away. Ouzo is about freedom for him. In The Hostage Bargain (by my smutty-writing alter ego Annika Martin) my bank robbers drink scotch. They’re badass, but have been thrust into a position where they are forced to be more badass then they are. They are aspirational-badass.

Scotch

Of course, I was done waiting tables before the explosion of fancy martinis. I don’t know what to think about the Scorpion! Or the Blue Cottontail!! Maybe you guys can enlighten me.

My favorite drink: champagne or, cranberry champagne cocktail

Cranberry Champagne Cocktail

Cranberry champagne cocktail

One part Cranberry juice

two parts sparkling wine

ice

What does it mean to my former cynical cocktail waitress self? What would the Cranberry Champagne cocktail drinker pigeonhole me as? Probably something pathetic. Oh well! 

*******

Cripes! I wonder what Carolyn would have thought of me at the bar? I drink mango martinis....

1. Mango: Tropical, easy-going, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants sort of gal

2. Rum: Party girl!

3. Splash of cranberry: Shout-out to my New England habitat, reference to cranberry bogs

Overall assessment: Quirky Suburban Housefrau Who Still Wears A Tiara At 45

(Carolyn probably would have been thinking....Geez! I hope that weird lady gives me a good tip!)

Super huge thanks to Carolyn for this fun piece today. Also, just in case you're in the mood for an incredibly great UF series, check out her Disillusionist Trilogy, and just in case you're in the mood for a hot, sexy, suspenseful story about a sheep farmer abducted by bank robbers, check out The Hostage Bargain.  

Happy Sloshy Sunday, All Yinz Guys!

Penelope

Review of The Hostage Bargain by Annika Martin

Review of The Hostage Bargain by Annika Martin

There are some books that have a premise that is so ridiculous, you just can't resist. (At least I can't). As soon as I saw the blurb for this book--a sheep farmer who is abducted by three bad-ass bank robbers and subjected to super pleasurable sexcapades, I thought--"I have to read this one!" 

So, even though I normally don't read a lot of ARCs, I actually begged Annika Martin to read hers. And I must say that I was more or less blown out of the water.

There are not many erotic romances that can weave together ridiculous humor, a complex and suspenseful story line, intriguing characters, and sex so smoky and hot you're sweating as you read it. (I'm only slightly embarrassed to admit that I was, literally, sweating. Holy Old Spice Deodorant!) And.....the other really cool thing about this book is that the sexiest part of it was not the actual physical scenes of intimacy (although, don't get me wrong, those were also super sweat-worthy), but it was the anticipation of the sex that was so thoroughly, unbelievably, smoky hot. Martin is a master at building anticipation. 

This book is not really kinky. I have read erotica that is much crazier as far as sex acts and bondage. The wickedness of this story is the scenario itself....that a young woman desperate for excitement has it unexpectedly dropped into her lap in the form of three wild bank robbers. Because this story is told in first person POV, we are living the experience with Melinda. Annika Martin takes us on a very bumpy ride, creates nervous tension and anticipation, throws in some scary suspenseful moments, and manages, somehow, to end on a positive note. I really liked the fact that this book is not what you normally expect with an erotica. The only thing I can compare it to is Skin Game by Ava Gray. That was a wild, sexy ride, with truly unique characters. The Hostage Bargain takes you on the same sort of journey. I was totally mesmerized by this book.

After finishing it, I realized that the author is planning more books in this series. Yippee! (Note to self: stock up on Old Spice deodorant).

If you're looking for something outside-of-the-box of regular erotic fiction, then this one's for you. The Hostage Bargain is a delicious mix of snappy humor, wicked sexcapades and on-the-edge-of-your-seat suspense. I've never read anything like it. Debut author Annika Martin has a new #1 fan.

Grade: A

Available at Smashwords

Amazon

Barnes and Noble 

Annika's website

Waiting for my own bank robber to fall out of the sky (preferably with a nice bushy beard),
Penelope

Paris, Gods & 007

My current reading list is all over the place....

1. The Gods

I just finished a totally unexpected erotic romance by a debut writer. I don't normally go for ARCs, but the blurb for this one looked good (sheep farmer abducted by bank robbers, held captive and subjected to lots of good lovin'). Well, how many books combine hilarious snarky humor, on-the-edge-of-your-seat suspense, crazy hot sex-ay times, and are well-written, excellent bits of storytelling? (Answer: Not many). Annika Martin's debut novel The Hostage Bargain will be self-published next week, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. Also, the tagline for her website totally cracks me up...."All smutty deliciousness....all the time." Are you kidding me? That is ridiculous. I love it! I will post a review for this book next week. The "Gods" reference....the three hunky bank robbers are Odin, Zeus and Thor. Oh.....yeah.

2. 007

I am still working on Ian Fleming's Casino Royale. I am digging the weird 1950s vibe and relatively slow pace of the book. How do you like this quote....

"Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon-peel. Got it?"

Got it, baby.

3. Paris

I splurged on Eloisa James' new book Paris in Love: A Memoir. I have heard fabulous things about this book and her adventure, and I cannot wait to read it.

I also have a ginormous backlog of books I am supposed to read. I am hoping to get to many of them in May, once conference is over.

All my best,
00XXOOXXOO (that's my spy name)
Penelope