Review of [BOOK TITLE] by [AUTHOR NAME]
I found the hero of this book to be a
- hot alpha male with a 14-inch penis.
- metrosexual pansy-ass.
- brooding bastard.
The heroine of the story was
- a gentle, loving sex goddess who volunteered in a homeless shelter.
- a skanky ho-bag.
- a were-unicorn.
This book was a
- fantastic mix of hot, sweaty sex and love-at-first-sight.
- deranged sex fantasy, clearly thought up by a 13 year old boy.
- DIK, if Hugh Jackman lived on the island and liked role play.
The sex scenes made me want to
- join a convent.
- get it on with my next-door neighbor. And he's not even that cute. Seriously!
Overall, I thought the book was
- the greatest piece of literature since Moby Dick.
- a piece o' shite.
- 5 sparkling stars.
- 2 pathetic bookworms.
- 4 hearts filled with unicorns and rainbows and glitter and Cabbage Patch dolls.
Initial Authors' Comments
- Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my book.
- Bite me.
- Do you have a high school diploma? Just checking.
In Response To Reviewer Outrage
- Why don't you try writing a book? F*ckwad.
- Do you know that I'm dying of a terminal disease? I only have 2 months to live.
- You obviously don't get the underlying important themes of Phantom Menace and its ramifications in modern-day society.
After Rabid Blogger Fan Girl Posse Attacks
- Let me guess....your favorite TV show is Jersey Shore? Am I right?
- If this book was too hard for you to understand, maybe you should try something a little bit easier. Like the Sunday comics.
- Does it make you feel good to disparage someone's life work? I spent YEARS on this book. What have you done lately? No, writing a shopping list for Claire's doesn't count.
- Add author to SUPER DOUCHE-BAG; NEVER BUY LIST.
- Delete blog post.
- Get banned from Goodreads for all of eternity and beyond.
- Delete Twitter Account.
- Send half-hearted apology to all involved.
- Adopt a new identity and flee to Costa Rica.