Zombies V Nun: Chapter Two

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Two

Potato Mashers Aren't Just For Mashing Potatoes Anymore

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Pearl was shocked to see Caleb in her room. The Cook never ventured far from the kitchen. But since it appeared that some extraordinary events were occurring, she supposed that this lack of propriety was all right.

“Caleb, zombies aren’t real. They only happen on television shows, and movies, and comic books.” Pearl cleared her throat. “Not that I, personally, have seen any of these disturbing forms of entertainment. But that’s what I hear.”

Caleb opened his mouth to say something, but was rudely interrupted by Sister Euphonia. She flung open the door and lunged for him.

Pearl knew that Sister Euphonia took great pride in her appearance. Her coif was always starched to perfection, resembling a giant sailboat. Her wimple was never creased or stained. And her rosary always sparkled after a good polishing on Monday mornings.

Today, however, Sister Euphonia was looking less than dignified. Her coif was smashed on one side, her wimple was covered with blood, and it looked like someone’s finger was dangling from her rosary. Sister Euphonia was also one of the strongest members of the soprano section in choir, but today she was making hideous gurgling noises and growls. It was really too much to take in!

Just as the wayward nun attempted to bite Caleb’s tattooed arm, he raised the knife in the air and sliced off Sister Euphonia’s head, crumpled coif and all.

“Oh my goodness! Was that really necessary?” Pearl watched the head bobble around her floor and finally stop in front of the desk. “Caleb! What are you thinking!”

Caleb rolled his eyes. “I’m thinking I want to live, Pearl. It’s us vs. them. Get it? There’s no hope for them now. We need to do what’s necessary to survive.”

He pulled a potato masher from one pocket and a whisk from another. “Here. I know these aren’t the best weapons, but I was in a hurry as I ran out of the kitchen. I just grabbed the first things I could. Sister Henrietta was trying to eat my leg.”

Pearl glanced down at Caleb’s leg and noticed some smudges on his pants.

“Oh my. What is that?”

Caleb shrugged. “Sister H’s brains. Let’s go!”

The Cook grabbed Pearl by the arm and pushed her to the door.

“We’re heading to the vintner’s cottage on the north side. It’s surrounded by water. If we can disable the wooden bridge, it will keep us safe for a while.”

“How is that possible?”

“These fuckers can’t swim. I pushed one into the duck pond and it sank like a stone. It’s our ace in the hole. It’s our salvation. It’s our only hope. It’s….”

Pearl raised a hand. “I get it, Caleb. Let’s go!”

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For Chapter One, go here.

Chapter Three is coming tomorrow.... Pearl Gets A Mini-Skirt

Have a nice day!
Penny

Zombies V Nun: Chapter One

Zombies V Nun: Chapter One

The Zombie Apocalypse

aka, The Adventures of Sister Alessa Chressendra Malika Elizabetta Christenson

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A cold wind was blowing.

A hot wind was blowing.

It was windy out, for Christ’s sake.

Sister Melinda Belinda Alessa Chressendra Malika Elizabetta Christenson (known to her close friends as Pearl), stared out the window of her convent room. She was lucky enough to have the “tower” room, where it was rumored that Pope Pius IX had once visited in 1875. Normally, on a Wednesday morning, it was quiet at the Holy Sisters of Saint Matthew (St Matthew was the patron saint of accountants).  All of the sisters were busy with their auditing and finance homework. Pearl was used to the sound of songbirds tweeting from the trees outside her window. And the tap-tap-tap of a calculator. Sometimes she could hear Sister Angelina singing hymns next door.

But this morning a very strange noise interrupted her thoughts. (She was thinking about how much she liked the latest Selena Gomez music video).  This Wednesday morning she heard a different kind of sound. A squishy, crunchy, growly sort of sound. She tiptoed to the window and peeked outside.

Jon-Jon the Gardener was standing next to a flower bed. He had a rake in one hand. And a funny look on his face. (Well, only half of his face, actually). That was because the other half of his face was gone. It appeared to be inside Frank the Handyman’s mouth. And partially on his plaid shirt. For some unknown reason, Frank the Handyman appeared to be noshing on Jon-Jon’s face. Which would account for the squishy, crunchy, growly sounds Pearl was hearing.

Pearl raised a hand to her throat and whispered “Dear God in Heaven. What is happening?”

Just at that moment, Caleb the Cook rushed into her room. He was a massive African-American man with a bald head, a small and tasteful gold hoop earring in his right ear, and a beautiful tattoo of his mother on his left bicep. He was currently holding a gigantic knife in one hand. And a pair of scissors in the other. He had some spots of blood on his apron. (Which wasn’t that surprising, since he was a cook and sometimes butchered chickens for dinner).

“Pearl, not sure if God in Heaven is going to answer your question. But I’ll tell you what’s happening. Looks like we’re about to enter The Zombie Apocalypse, sweetheart. Grab your crucifix if you want to live.”

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Stay tuned for Chapter Two, Potato Mashers Aren't Just For Mashing Potatoes Anymore coming tomorrow.

All my best,

Penelope 

Hot Tip #297: Review Requests

Promo is tough.

You don't want to sound like a big dork...

"BUY MY BOOK! IT'S FANTABULOUS!"

But you do want folks to hear positive news about your book. Try this instead....

"Penelope gave Soaring Hearts a 5-star review! She said 'It rocked my world...A+!'"

It is ALWAYS more effective to have someone else recommend your book other than yourself. (Or your mother). Authors need reviews. They are a great promotional tool--we can use snippets for our websites, and tweet/facebook glowing quotes. Readers see good reviews and head to purchase links.

Some of us have big pubs with marketing departments, and they send out ARCs to review sites and we get lots of exposure. And some of us who are pubbed with small presses, or those of us who are self-pubbed, need to find our own reviewers.

This brings me to the review request email. If you are searching for blogger/reviewers to check out your story, you need to make sure you are writing a professional review query. Here are some hot tips from Penelope on......

How To Write A Review Request!

1. Write a professional, polite, typo-free email. Don't start the email saying "This is the greatest book since The Holy Bible, you want to read it....believe me!"

2. PERSONALIZE the letter. There is nothing more off-putting than seeing this heading...

DEAR BOOK BLOGGER.....blah blah blah.

Find out the blogger's name and interests.....

Dear Penelope,
I was perusing your blog and I found out you love wacky books. Well, I just wrote a wacky book and I was wondering if you might be interested in reviewing it....etc.

This is much better. It is personally addressed to me, and it shows that the author did some research before contacting me.

3. What info should you include? Book title, publisher, genre, length, available formats. Some folks like ebooks, so if your book is only available in print, it might be a problem.

4. Make sure to include some info about yourself. Don't forget to include a SIG LINE with your publications/dates, URL for website and blog. Some authors also include a Twitter address, which I like because it's a quick, easy way to get in touch with someone. Don't make me Google you to find out your information. Include it in the email. (Also, your sig line should not be 492 lines long. We don't need to know every book you've ever published since you were 14 years old).

5. Book blurbs should not be longer than 150 words. When I see blurbs at Goodreads or in review requests that are 400 words or longer, I skip them. Those are reading like a synopsis, not a blurb. Blurbs should be quick and capture someone's attention. You do not need to give away the entire plot. They also need to be well-written and free of grammatical errors and typos. If your book blurb looks bad, there is little-to-no-chance that I will read your book. MAKE SURE THE BLURB IS PERFECT!

Here's my book blurb for SWEET MAGIK...

Oskar Klaus' job is killing him. Not even his favorite hobbies (extreme snowboarding and browsing old bookstores) are enough to snap him out of his funk. It's not easy living in the shadow of four successful older brothers and a father named Santa. Little does he know that a kiss on New Year's Eve is about to turn his life upside-down.

Kiana Grant's Manhattan life is a world away from her childhood in Oahu. She traded sunsets and surfing for a respectable career in library science, but Oskar Klaus is a temptation that's hard to resist. Before she knows it, she's in the midst of an outrageous adventure in the North Pole, dealing with mischievous elves, wicked demons, and a devastating attraction to Santa's youngest son.

There's just one problem...a bitter elf hell-bent on revenge threatens the future of everyone in the North Pole, even Santa himself...

*1st paragraph is about the hero

*2nd paragraph is about the heroine

*3rd paragraph is a quick description of the conflict, with a hook!

6. Excerpts should be no longer than 300 words. (Sometimes they are, but in a review request, you need to keep it brief). That is just long enough for me to get a sense of your voice, if you can write, if the story is appealing. Choose wisely. Something from the beginning of the manuscript, so you don't give away any key plot points later on in the book. Same thing about blurbs....no typos, perfect grammar. This will sell you or not. Make it count.

7. Are you offering a free copy? Be specific about what you are offering the reviewer, and what you expect in return. I also like to see purchase links, because I buy the books if I'm interested.

8. The requests that capture my attention are the ones that are personalized and professional. Instead of a DEAR BLOGGER letter, someone who starts out with....Dear Penelope, I have a dachshund, too! I have been reading and enjoying your blog.....etc. After that, it's the folks who have a professional note, with an intriguing blurb and well-written excerpt who will grab my interest.

9. Immediate Turn-Offs.....Folks who have not done their research. I even have clear headings about stuff I love to read, and stuff I don't read. If a YA writer sends me a request, she/he has clearly not looked very closely at my website.

10. Make sure you look at the blogger's website to see if she has any specific requirements for requests. Many bloggers have a link that gives you all of that information, such as how many months in advance you need to submit, if they post bad reviews, etc. DO YOUR RESEARCH!

So, that's my Hot Tip #297. Hot Tip #296 is Sequins Never Go Out Of Style, and Hot Tip #298 is Eat Walnuts Every Day -- They're Good For Your Heart.

:^)

Book bloggers/reviewers, any other hot tips for review requests? Let me know!

Penelope

The Martini Club: Penny's Favorite Summer Brewskis

Now that we've transitioned from spring into summer, I'm no longer drinking so much red wine. Time for an icy cold brewski! My all-time favorite summer brew is Magic Hat #9 from South Burlington, Vermont.

Here's how Magic Hat describes this beer...

"A beer cloaked in secrecy. An ale whose mysterious and unusual palate will swirl across your tongue...A sort of dry, crisp, refreshing, not-quite pale ale." (description, according to the Magic Hat website)

The big secret is actually apricot! It is so yummy and delish, it's the greatest addition to beer ever! And absolutely perfect for summer. This beer is super-drinkable and refreshing.

Here's the Beer Advocate's review.

Runners-up for awesome summer brewskis include the old stand-by Corona with lime, and my other new fav....Allagash White, from the Allagash Brewing Company in Portland, Maine. (I support micro-breweries of New England!). This beer is a traditional Belgian wheat beer, brewed with coriander and orange peel. It has an awesome citrus-y flavor that is summer-ific!

Here's the review from the Beer Advocate.

Any favorite summer drinks? Beers? Sangria? Frozen crazy concoctions?

Happy Sloshy Sunday,

Penelope

Oops...I Did It Again

Britney would like to wish everyone a very happy Saturday. 

Penelope is wondering why red plastic jumpsuits did not take off as a major fashion trend...hmmmm?

Have a great day!

Penny

Beard of the Day

The History Channel has a new show called Hatfields and McCoys, with Kevin Costner as William Anderson Hatfield. Here's a fun little tidbit about his epic beard....

"It went on one hair at a time, singly laid in," he says of the old-man whiskers he wears for Hatfields and McCoys..."My chin would get poked and prodded for an hour every morning....I'd play music, I'd talk to people, but it never got any easier. Fortunately, it's the best damned beard I've ever had."

(From TV Guide, Inside History's Epic Miniseries Hatfields & McCoys May 28, 2012)

I'd have to agree with Kevin. Damned fine beard.

Happy Beardy Friday,
Penelope

Indie Authors Beware: Integrity Matters

Would you sell your soul to the devil to get your book published?

Would you sell your soul to the devil to make a bestseller list?

How far would you go?


I can't think of a group of people more vulnerable than writers with a dream. They are desperate to get published. They are desperate for success. They're easy prey for unscrupulous folks looking to make an easy buck.

The explosion of "indie" or "self-pubbed" writers has opened up a whole new sleazy world of self-professed "social media experts" and "promo consultants" who promise everything under the sun. For a buck. And unfortunately, newbie writers with little experience are very easy prey.

Indie Authors, let me tell you this....

.....Anyone who is offering to help you with your writing is a FRIEND.

.....Anyone who is offering to mentor you, in terms of craft and hands-on marketing experience, for FREE, is a FRIEND....

.....Anyone who gives you an HONEST critique, maybe one you don't want to hear, is a FRIEND....

.....Anyone who tells you it takes years of hard work and dedication and that you need to have patience is a FRIEND.....

.....Anyone who tells you that this isn't a numbers game---not about sales and bestseller lists----but about the QUALITY of your writing, is a FRIEND.....

....Anyone who tells you to get your friends and family to write glowing reviews on Amazon (without identifying themselves as F/F...aka "shills")....FRIEND? NOT SO MUCH.....

.....Anyone who tells you to make up fake identities at Amazon (sock-puppet) to give yourself glowing reviews....FRIEND? NOT SO MUCH....

....Anyone who tells you to down-vote bad ratings and reviews, and to encourage your friends to do the same....FRIEND? NOT SO MUCH....

....Anyone who tells you to put fake tags/labels on your book to crank your rank in a search engine....FRIEND? NOT SO MUCH....

....Anyone who tells you to offer a reciprocal service to other indie authors re: 5 star reviews (you give me a 5-star, and I'll give you a 5-star) without you actually reading the book....FRIEND? NOT SO MUCH.....

.....Anyone who tells you "I'll help you out if you promote me"....FRIEND? NOT SO MUCH.....

....Anyone who tells you to spam Facebook/Twitter/other social media all day with book announcements, tells you to do drive-by announcements, tells you to leave comments on other folks' blogs with your purchase link (even if it's not related to the blog post in any way), and generally encourages you to make an enormous nuisance of yourself in hopes of selling your book.....FRIEND? NOT SO MUCH.


Do you want to be a hard-working author interested in honing his craft and supporting his colleagues in an honest way? Or do you want to "game the system," and spend your time figuring out ways to lie and cheat your way to the top?

Bottom line: Do you think readers are dumb? We can't figure out that the 47 glowing 5-star reviews are all shills? Especially when we download a sample and it's filled with grammatical errors, piss-poor writing and typos? No matter how many fake reviews you get, the readers will sniff out the truth.

There are entire boards at Goodreads and Amazon which discuss "authors behaving badly"....the authors who have fake reviews, do spammy-style promo, and harass honest readers.

Since when did it become okay for authors to act like a bunch of sleazy used car-salesmen? Harassing folks, cheating, lying, and manipulating the system to get ahead?

To say that I am appalled by the so-called advice by some of these "experts" is an understatement.

Integrity matters.

To the indie authors who care about their writing, are honest and hard-working and have integrity, I say.....bravo. And thank you. We, the readers, appreciate your books, appreciate your honesty and integrity, and look forward to supporting you.

To the indie authors who are one small step above a used-car salesman, I say....Good luck. You're going to need it.


Penelope

A Bunch of Dangly Bits

We had a big scare last night. Lucy got a beef skewer on one of those wooden sticks and gulped it down. I took her to the emergency vet and they did an endoscopy and removed the stick before it could cause any damage. She's still at the hospital, but hopefully I'll be picking her up later this morning. :^(
#getbetterLucy


I had an entire Ranty McRantmeister post written for today, but I'm not in the mood. Maybe later. In the meantime, here are some reading updates and other bits o' news.....

1. Piglet or Dog?

My dog breeder keeps sending me photos and my daughter is begging me to get this puppy. It's a piebald long-haired miniature doxie that looks like a pig. I want to name her "Wilbur" but Natty doesn't like that one. #pigletdogs4evah

2. On my reading list for this week.....Julia Quinn's A Night Like This, Marley Gibson's Radiate, and an ARC from Annette Blair...Cloaked In Malice. Believe it or not, the blurb for Quinn's book mentions...wait for it....a unicorn! #unicornsforthewin

3. There was a disturbance in the force this weekend. Mary Balogh, author of incredibly beautiful and romantic historical stories, posted on her Facebook page that she loved 50 Shades. #wheresmylightsaber

4. Mr. Tom Andrews wrote a hilarious piece of flash fiction titled "Bile, and more Bile" which has ME as the star. Yes, that's correct. Me and my "rambunctious curls" and a weenie dog, lots and lots of bile, and even a hobo. It's delightful! #bileismyfriend

5. I visited an author website recently that had tons of lovely book covers displayed, but not ONE purchase link in site. All the book covers in the world are worthless unless you have A PURCHASE LINK! And for the tweeter who asked me "How do I do that please?"---here's my answer. If you post the jpeg for the book, add a link with the image and attach the URL for Amazon or wherever you want customers to buy your book. Or, just put the book's title on your book page and add a link with the purchase URL. DON'T FORGET, CHICKIES! #purchaselinksordie

6. My favorite EC cover for the week is....

Haaaaaaaaa! Oh my God, this is hilarious. And for the first time in history, I hate a beard. Go figure. #ahoymateys

7. My ranty post has to do with unscrupulous "social media specialists" and indie authors who are trying to game the system. I still haven't decided if I will post this, but in the meantime, here's some advice for writers.....If someone tells you the RIGHT way to self-promote is to spam folks, get shills to write fake reviews for you, down-vote real reader's reviews if they are 1 or 2-stars, offer fake 5-star reviews for your friends if they reciprocate, put fake tags on your books to increase your rank in the search engine, and generally be an incredible nuisance on Twitter/Facebook/all social media, you might want to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Because frankly, that advice is King Of Suckage. I'm picturing a used car salesman in polyester wearing a boat-load of bad cologne. Integrity counts, people. Cheating, lying and sneaking your way to the bestseller list ain't gonna work. #sleazytown

8. I would just like to thank my good friend Victoria Morgan for introducing me to the excellence that is Burlesque. Christina Aguilera, hoochie hoochie dances, Cher, and Stanley Tucci. LOVE it! Not only did Christina sound like a million bucks, she looked like a million bucks. She needs to hire her stylist from that movie for every day of her life. #chickflickexcellence

#thatisall
#haveaniceday
#IthinkImonTwittertoomuch
#Lucycomehome

#Penelope

Penelope Reads A Ballsy Little Sex Farce

She had me at "well-endowed unicorn."

You all know I have a problem. With wacky book blurbs. It's like a sick, sad addiction, which costs me money and time and occasionally makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a sharp stick. But sometimes, it also makes me think "Hell, this is one ballsy little sex farce."

Let me backtrack....

Once upon a time, I started reading a book blurb, and it said "Honey encounters the hunkalicious Hieney twins, Peter and Dick....." Right off the bat, I'm already hooked. Hieney twins? Peter? And DICK? And the heroine's name is HONEY. I'm screwed. But I'm thinking....NOOOOOO, don't do it...don't do it....

Then I read this... "....meet a sexy well-endowed unicorn." Uh oh. A unicorn. Didn't I swear that I would never never never again buy a book with a unicorn? I did. So, I didn't buy the book.

But I kept thinking about the unicorn. Would Honey actually have sex with a unicorn? Was it a shape-shifter? How would that work exactly?

And then I knew I was lost. It was all the unicorn's fault! So I bought the $2 book, Honeysuckle by Anny Cook. It's actually the second installment of her Flowers of Camelot Series.

Right from the get-go, Cook sets the stage for a totally insane sex farce. This is King Arthur's legend on another planet (really....another planet called Avalon) and the city is called Came-A-Lot (groan!) and all of the characters are insane nymphomaniacs, and there are dragons and unicorns and Robin Hood and flogging and nipple rings and butt plugs and magical islands and.....

Okay. So, it's weird. But the thing is that I have a lot of respect for someone who attempts something this wack. And this is wack. With a capital W. As in Well-Hung Unicorn.

It takes a lot of balls to write something this tongue-in-cheek. And there were a lot of tongues, including long skinny split-fork dragon tongues. And lots of cheeks (butt cheeks). And....

I liked it! So I bought Chrysanthemum (Flowers of Camelot #1) and I liked that one, too.

These books were relatively well-written, packed with double entendres, all kinds of hilarious King Arthur references, pretty steamy sexy time, and even some sweet moments. The plot was all over the place, and often made no sense. But really, who's looking for sense when a giant dragon has kidnapped King Arthur and discovers his mate bathing in a stream, and her name is "Stinky." Well, certainly not me.

The only thing that bothered me was a plethora of inane details, which is one of my pet peeves. Too many details about their plans, what they were eating (a lot of sandwiches) and even copious mentions of potty breaks. I don't care about the characters peeing. At all.

But in spite of all that, the stories were quite entertaining and off-the-charts. And since I appreciate weird stuff, I have a lot of respect for someone attempting a book this ballsy. And frankly, I can't believe that EC published it. This is WAY outside-of-the-box.

Grade: B for the first two installments of the Flowers of Camelot Series by Anny Cook...Chrysanthemum and Honeysuckle.

For anyone looking for a totally nutso interpretation of King Arthur with a bunch of nymphomaniacs, plenty of tongue-in-cheek humor, and a kooky storyline, look no further.


Trying to get back on the "normal" bandwagon,
Penelope

Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day to all....

Penelope

The Martini Club Welcomes Carolyn Crane, I Mean Annika Martin, I Mean...Oh Never Mind!

I am so excited this wonderful Sunday morning! One of my fav writers is here with us....Carolyn Crane, aka Annika Martin, aka former cocktail waitress, aka Mexican food-lover, aka cat owner. (I get everything but the cat business). Anyhoo, if you're not already confused (I sort of am!), Carolyn has a hilarious handy-dandy drink chart to discuss. Take it away, Car-ika!

******

Hey!  Happy Martini Club to everybody!

I was so pleased Penny invited me to post on Martini club. I think about drinking a lot. As a former cocktail waitress, I have complex ideas of what people drink, and what characters drink.

Back in my cocktail waitress days, I got really good at guessing what people would order before they ordered it.

Here’s a bit of what I remember from my system of how I would guess what people would order by how they looked:

If they looked like a frat boy -  Corona

Downtown pink collar - house white, Chablis,

Upscale female or bohemian wannabe - red wine

Grunge guys (this was the 90’s) - Leinenkugel beer, no glass. Never a glass!

Refined or mature rocker - Guinness or screwdriver

Rugged - scotch and water

Badass - whiskey up

Upscale badass - scotch up

Cultured urbane male - old scotch like McCallan up

Elegant singles night on the town - martini

Woo-hoo party, preppy, or people who seem like they might be into sailing - Gin & tonic

Hipster - Jagermeister shots, possibly with Leine bottle

Semi- hipster - Kamikaze shots, beer back

Arty mature - white russian, or coffee & kahlua

Suburban sporty - Miller or Miller Lite, with a glass

Laid back, stoner, or dredlocks - Tequila sunrise

Underage or novice - whiskey sour with a cherry

Novice woo-hoo party - obscure name (bellybutton on the beach, etc)

Blue Kamikaze Shots

As you see, it was a cynical system that really reduced people to a type, a box. It even dehumanized them a little bit. There are mean ones I didn’t include on there.

It only occurred to me later that what people drink is more than a pigeonhole you can put them into or a way to name and limit them.

The drinks people choose is more mysterious: one part taste, one part where they’ve been, one part who they are, and one part where they want to go, even aspirational. And you can’t see all that from just a drink and how a person dresses. In other words, drink choices are tied up in a person’s character arc.

People’s dreams and desires, and where they’ve been and where they are headed is a lot more interesting and human. And it’s just more accurate. So that’s how I look at drinks now, a bit of taste preference and a bit of character arc.

I think about that with my characters a lot, that their drinks are that—part where they’ve been and part who they want to be. In the Disillusionists, Packard drinks Ouzo, a drink from a sunny place far away. Ouzo is about freedom for him. In The Hostage Bargain (by my smutty-writing alter ego Annika Martin) my bank robbers drink scotch. They’re badass, but have been thrust into a position where they are forced to be more badass then they are. They are aspirational-badass.

Scotch

Of course, I was done waiting tables before the explosion of fancy martinis. I don’t know what to think about the Scorpion! Or the Blue Cottontail!! Maybe you guys can enlighten me.

My favorite drink: champagne or, cranberry champagne cocktail

Cranberry Champagne Cocktail

Cranberry champagne cocktail

One part Cranberry juice

two parts sparkling wine

ice

What does it mean to my former cynical cocktail waitress self? What would the Cranberry Champagne cocktail drinker pigeonhole me as? Probably something pathetic. Oh well! 

*******

Cripes! I wonder what Carolyn would have thought of me at the bar? I drink mango martinis....

1. Mango: Tropical, easy-going, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants sort of gal

2. Rum: Party girl!

3. Splash of cranberry: Shout-out to my New England habitat, reference to cranberry bogs

Overall assessment: Quirky Suburban Housefrau Who Still Wears A Tiara At 45

(Carolyn probably would have been thinking....Geez! I hope that weird lady gives me a good tip!)

Super huge thanks to Carolyn for this fun piece today. Also, just in case you're in the mood for an incredibly great UF series, check out her Disillusionist Trilogy, and just in case you're in the mood for a hot, sexy, suspenseful story about a sheep farmer abducted by bank robbers, check out The Hostage Bargain.  

Happy Sloshy Sunday, All Yinz Guys!

Penelope

Who Knew Baseball Was This Fun?

This has been making the rounds...the 2012 Harvard Baseball team Youtube vid...hee hee! Don't forget to stop by for The Martini Club tomorrow...Carolyn Crane is my illustrious guest, and she has written a hilarious piece! Hope you are having a great holiday weekend so far.

Ciao!
Penelope

Beard of the Day Special Edition: A Cultural Evolution for Mr. Andrews

There was a bit of discussion following last week's Beard of the Day (a super nice selection of photos of Mr. Scott Speedman, looking rough and rugged and scruffy and ruffy and clearing pining for Penelope) about "cultural evolution." In fact, Mr. Tom Andrews said, and I quote, "I believe in cultural evolution. The tie, the Martini, the pocket square, the close shave, and literary fiction -- for these are pinnacles from which, once attained, one cannot retreat. ;^)"

Mr. Andrews is so eloquent, isn't he?

And wrong. He's also wrong.

Let's discuss.

I agree that a tie, a Martini (I love how Tom has capitalized that...heeee!), a pocket square and literary fiction are all very culturally evolved. But I beg to differ on the beard thing. Case in point (see above)....Gandy in tux. Beard. Pocket square. Bow tie (and I'll bet that isn't even a clip-on!). Culturally evolved smirk on face.

Oh look! Here's Daniel Craig.....

Mr. Craig appears to be sporting a tie, a dapper vest, and a classic martini with two, no I think that's actually three, count them....three! olives. Oh, and a beard. He also appears to be at a culturally evolved event. I don't see any stripper poles.

Hey! Look who's here! Gandy is back.....

Tie? Check.
Pocket Square? Check.
Literary Fiction? Check.
Close Shave? Nope, don't see that one. Too bad.

So, there you have it. From my pinnacle (which is festively crowded with tiaras, weenie dogs and 1980s videos), beards are looking quite spiffy. They're not just for lumberjacks anymore. (Although that's fine, too, of course.)

I would like to say a special thanks to Geekamicus and Tasha for photos and artwork. And a super big thanks to Mr. Andrews, who is an excellent sport and source of inspiration. Whether he likes it or not.

Hope everyone has a culturally evolved, beardy day and a wonderful holiday weekend!

Penelope

Funniest Thing I've Seen This Week

I found these letters on tumblr...I reblogged it from The Stocked Bar. I think I might be channeling Frank Sinatra! Heee.....enjoy!

Happy Day!

Penelope

Dear Penelope

Every week, I get a bizarre mix of totally random questions thrown at me via email, Twitter, Facebook, neighbors, etc. So, I thought I would put together a totally random bunch of Dear Penelope questions and answers. Have at it!

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Dear Penelope,
Where did you get your dachshund? How big is she? Can she fit on a plane?

Dear Doxie Lover,
We got Lucy from a breeder in Maine, she is about 9.5 pounds, which makes her a true mini (must be under 10 pounds). Yes, I can squeeze her cute little body into a Sherpa bag for travel, and pop her under the seat in front of me. Totally love the Sherpa bags...here is the linkie!

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Dear Penelope,
Why don't you use your real name to publish?

Dear Curious,
Thanks to my Filipino hubby, I have a last name that is long, melodious, difficult to spell, difficult to pronounce, and hard to remember. Thus, Penny Watson (who sort of sounds like a British bad girl) was born.

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Dear Penelope,
What do you think about this book cover?

Dear OH MY GOD!................
*Penny blushes*

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Dear Penelope,
How do I add my own book onto my Goodreads author page the right way?

Dear Author,
Great question! Unfortunately, Goodreads does not offer a good way to do this for authors at the moment. It looks bad to add your own book with a rating and/or review. Just add a new bookshelf titled WROTE IT. Then click on that when you add your book. Do NOT rate it or review it. Just leave it with "0" stars. That's fine. 

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Dear Penelope,
What's your best gardening tip?

Dear Mrs. Green Thumbs,
Most important color for the garden is.....*drum roll*.....WHITE! Yes, white. It makes all the other colors pop. Don't skimp on white. A big bunch of marguerite daisies is an awesome addition to any garden.

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Dear Penelope,
I was wondering if you would review my book which is published on Amazon. I don't think I have included any of your "dislikes"....I had to google POV, didn't know that one.

Dear Published Author,
*brushes away tears of sadness* POV is point of view, and it's probably a good idea to figure out what that means PRIOR to publishing. Sigh.

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Dear Penelope,
Why don't you follow me back on Twitter?

Dear Tweeter,
Did you say hi? Introduce yourself? Or are you just tweet-stalking me, a stranger in the night? Say hello and I'll follow back. Unless you are super naughty, offensive, or naked.

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Dear Penelope,
I clicked on a link and found your blog. It was totally delightful perusing your place. 


Dear Nikki,
I love the word "perusing." Thank you very much!

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Dear Penelope,
Have you seen this?

Dear Bobbi Baby,
Schwing! 

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Dear Penelope,
Is it okay to rate/review my friend's book?

Dear Bud,
This is a GREAT question. My short answer....if you sincerely, genuinely loved your pal's book, it's okay to give her a good rating. Don't lie. Longer answer....If you ONLY review your friends' books, and no one else, you look like a shill. If you have a "reciprocal" thing going with other indie authors---you give me 5 stars, and I'll give you 5 stars---then, no, that's not okay. Be honest and fair, don't try to manipulate "the system" (Amazon, Goodreads, etc).

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Those are just a smattering of the sorts of questions I get every day from various friends, strangers and probably long-lost relatives. Hope all of you are having a random and entertaining day.

All my best,
Penelope

Penelope Channels Miss Manners at The Moody Muses

I gave a workshop called Penelope Channels Miss Manners: How To Promote Yourself Without Peeving Everyone Off at the 2012 NECRWA Spring Conference. It was a rousing success! I wore my tiara and sipped a cocktail while doling out some tips about self-promotion.

The Moody Muses have posted my talk (in two parts) on their blog this week. (Evidently, I am somewhat long-winded....ahem). Yesterday was the first part of the talk, which covered rules of social media, reviews and how to toot your own horn without sounding like a big schmo. PART ONE Please stop by and leave comments, questions, or feel free to heckle me.

And the second part is posted today....I cover damage control, the rule of reciprocity, and how to create a positive image on-line. I also talk about my #1 pet peeve of self-promotion. Loudly. PART TWO

So, check it out if you're worried that you might be acting like a rude jerk, offending folks, or are wondering if it's okay to make up a fake name (Belinda Melinda Carlisle) and post Amazon reviews for your own book (answer: no, it's not okay).

Have a great day!

Penelope

The Super Special Super-Tastic Six (or Seven)

Last night my daughter arrived home from a playdate clutching her arm and crying. My husband and I took her to the emergency room. While we waited for the x-ray, my daughter chirped on and on with excitement for 2 hours. Here's part of our conversation.....

Natty starts humming a song.

Hubs: What's that?

Nat: A One Direction song. My band sings it at school.

Hubs: Your band? Since when do you have a band?

Nat: I have a band. It's the Super-Tastic Six.

Hubs: Really? What does your band do?

Nat: We have a gig every Friday.

Hubs: (trying hard not to laugh) Uh huh. Where is this gig?

Nat: In the lunchroom.

Me: You perform in front of the whole school?

Nat: No, just for the 3rd grade.

Hubs: Who is in charge of the band?

Nat: I'm the manager. My friend is the assistant manager. And the other girls are interns.

Hubs: Bursts out laughing

Me: Who's in this band?

Nat: So and so, etc......this one girl didn't like our name, so she's out. And then we needed someone else, so this other girl was having a birthday, so then she was in, and then we had an extra, and then we were the Super-Tastic Seven, but then she dropped out, so we were the Super-Tastic Six again.

Me: Do you really sing for everyone? Do they clap?

Nat: Of course!

Me: Where? In front of the lunchroom?

Nat: No, just while we're eating lunch. Until the teachers yell at us and tell us to stop.

Hubs: Hiding behind the door laughing his arse off

Me: O-kay.

Nat: We're gonna be in the talent show next year.

Me: I can't wait!


Several hours later we went home. No broken arm, just a sprain. Nat said "I can't wait until show-and-tell!" She saved her hospital ID bracelet and now has a sling on her arm.

Move over Christina Aguilera, Natty's in the house.

Giggling,
Penelope

The Martini Club: Scorpion V Mango Martini, No Contest

Penelope and The Quirky Ladies hit the town on Friday night. Penny's hair was big, her thirst was intense, and the bar was hopping. (Note the bottles in the background...hee hee!)

Two cocktails battled it out on the field for super-alcohol supremacy.

In one corner....The Mango Martini.

Sam Wayland and Penny started with this refreshing beverage. This cocktail was a mixture of mango rum, mango, pineapple, orange and lime juice with a splash of grenadine. It packed a little bit of punch, but seemed more frou-frou than not.

In the other corner...The Scorpion.

Thanks to the recommendation of Tara Truesdale, Penny decided to live dangerously and guzzle this baby down. Holy Canastas! This one included light rum, cointreau, brandy, sweet and sour, pineapple and lime juice with grenadine. The Scorpion meant bid-ness, serious bid-ness, take-no-prisoners bid-ness, I-don't-care-how-big-your-hair-is bid-ness.

Penny was feeling no pain after imbibing this cocktail.

And the winner, in this epic battle o' cocktails was.....

THE SCORPION!

Another excellent "meeting" with the Quirks. We actually talked about books a lot. Seriously. I'm not kidding. Really.

Sloshy Sunday To All!

Penelope

RIP Donna Summer!

RIP Donna Summer. I had a hard time picking which song to post today....I really loved all of her music. But this song is a complete gem!

Cause it took so long to bake it! Love you, Donna!

I'll never have that recipe again,

Penelope

Beard of the Day

This is Scott Speedman, reblogged from tumblr.

Here's what he's thinking in each pic...

1. I wonder what Penelope is doing right now.

2. I hope Penelope likes this wood.

3. I would like to take Penelope for a canoe ride.

4. I can't believe Penelope wrote this amazing book!

5. Dear Penelope......

Have a Beardy Friday!

Penelope

Review of Castaway Dreams by Darlene Marshall

Castaway Dreams by Darlene Marshall

You know when you're looking for the perfect book to read? Sort of like Goldilocks?

Not too hard, not too soft.....just.....right?

Well, I needed a read that was light, funny, sweet, romantic....not too angsty and intense, not too much graphic, gratuitous sex, but with the perfect amount of emotional satisfaction.

I would have been satisfied with a "B" book. I wasn't asking for much.

But instead, I got a big, whopping A+!!!!!!!

Castaway Dreams is ridiculously adorable and pretty damned close to flawless, in my opinion. It has an excellent storyline, fabulous characters, spot-on humor, plenty of delicious (and tastefully done) sex scenes, lots of wonderful emotional bonding, fun banter and dialogue. 

Just read the first paragraph from yesterday's post, and you'll get a nice glimpse into Marshall's latest book. It is beautifully written, and has two fabulous main characters....a grumpy ship's doctor and a bubble-headed beauty who longs to be useful. Oh dear Lordy! This is the way I LOVE my romance novels. With ROMANCE! And nothing is rushed. Their love story is just perfect and believable, and the humor is fantastic. The last book I read by Marshall was different....also good, but not as light-hearted and funny. I like this twist on her voice better. And I sure hope she writes some more like this one. This book made me swoony!

(I also looked up the word trephining in the dictionary. I learned a new word! Just like Daphne!)

Writing: A

Humor: A

Romance: A

Swoon Meter: A

Overall: A

This book is a delicious gem.

Hoping to find my own grumpy doctor (hey! I have my own grumpy doctor! Excellent!),

Penelope

Utterly Charmed

"Alexander Murray spent his lifetime dissecting bodies, trephining skulls, and seeing gray matter splattered across the decks of warships. He knew one could not exist without a brain. Nonetheless, Miss Daphne Farnham appeared to be the living, breathing example of a brainless existence."

Introductory paragraph, Castaway Dreams by Darlene Marshall

I'm at 68% with this book, and I am in love! It is utterly charming, has wonderful characters, a lovely story, and is beautifully written. And I cannot wait to find out what happens at the end.

Bravo, Ms. Marshall!

Review coming soon.....

Wishing I were castaway with Dr. Murray and his white whiskers,
Penelope

Timeline of a Dream-Come-True & Other Stuff

For several weeks I've been sitting on some huge news. Not about me. About fellow Quirky Lady Victoria Morgan. She had some HUGE GIGANTIC EXCITING EXPLOSIVE news that I had to keep quiet. It hurt. I had indigestion. I'm not kidding. Well, I can finally blab. So, here's Timeline of a Dream-Come-True (that would be Vicki's dream-come-true).....

(I'm doing this in numerical bulletpoints for Sam Wayland, because she really digs it when I do this in an email....)

1. Vicki writes an amazing historical romance about an earl who is a survivor of the Charge of the Light Brigade. Penny Watson sobs like a little baby while reading it and announces "This is it. It's the one."

2. Vicki says "I think Penny is a wingnut."

3. Vicki submits her WIP to the Golden Heart contest.

4. Vicki forgets she submitted her WIP to the Golden Heart contest. On the day that the nominees are being called, she answers the phone in a rush and is like....."Huh? Oh my God. I forgot about that. I'm a finalist!"

5. Vicki calls the Quirky Ladies who celebrate with copious cocktails.

6. Penny bawls like a baby and reiterates, "I know you think I'm a wingnut, but this is it. It's the one."

7. Vicki does not win the Golden Heart, but she does look smashing in her dress.

8. Vicki gets an agent! Not just any old agent, but Laura Bradford of the Bradford Literary Agency.

9. Penny bawls like a baby. She also drinks some more cocktails with Vicki. (I think. I can't remember that much about that evening).

10. Penny helps Vicki with some edits and continues bawling like a baby every time she reads the story. She's says "This is it. It's the one." It's possible that Vicki might start believing in Penny's prophetic abilities.

11. After many months of edits and revisions, Vicki's agent sends out the manuscript. Vicki gets some rejections.

12. Penny reiterates. "Don't give up hope. This is the one."

13. In a totally nonchalant manner, on the eve of the NECRWA conference, Vicki says to Penny, "Oh yeah. I got a call." Penny says, "So what." Vicki says, "I sold my book." Penny freaks out and bursts into tears. Vicki laughs and says "Oh my God. I didn't even cry." Penny feels sort of like an idiot but continues crying.

14. Vicki says, "You can't tell anyone." Penny, horrified that she has been given this incredible news and is unable to blab about it, says "Sure. No problem." Penny suffers from indigestion.

15. Finally, after torturing her for several weeks, Vicki says, "Okay. You can tell now."

16. VICKI'S DREAM CAME TRUE! HER SUPER FABULOUS BOOK IS BEING PUBLISHED BY BERKLEY AND NOW LOTS OF OTHER FOLKS CAN BAWL THEIR EYES OUT READING THIS AMAZING STORY!

Phew! Holding that in was not easy, let me tell you. Congrats, Vicki! Yee hawwwwww!!!!!!
P.S. The painting at the top of this blog post is one of Vicki's. Not only is she an amazing writer, but she is also a beautiful painter.


Now for the "other stuff"....

I had the first "reading" of my children's book, Lucy The Wonder Weenie. My audience: 2 adults, 1 child, and 3 assorted dogs (a Chinese Crested, a Yorkie and Chihuahua).

I read the story out loud.

2 Adults: Laughed out loud.

1 Child: Smiled. When asked if he liked it, he said, and I quote, "Yes."

3 Dogs: The Chihuahua licked my hand.

Then I showed "The Child" Sara Pulver's illustration. (Sara Pulver is the quirky, talented artist who is doing the illustrations for the book).

1 Child: Huge smile and a huge laugh. When asked if he liked it, he yelled "Yes!"

1 Chihuahua: He licked my hand again.

Story: 5 stars
Illustration 5,000 stars

Overall Rating: #weenieforthewin

(Here is another totally cool painting by Sara....

And in conclusion, Vicki's having a good year. And I predict, with my super powers, that weenie dogs will take over the literary world.

Having a weenie-licious day,
Penelope