I Got Nothin'

Happy Monday Morning! (uttered through half-closed eyes)....

1. I watched 3 horror movies simultaneously last night (zombies, vampires, murdering psychopaths).

2. Hubby got home at 3 AM and wanted to chat.

3. I DNFed a bunch of freebie books this weekend. Still looking for "Mr. Right" (the book that will capture my attention).

4. This is a cool photo my son took a couple of years ago. How I love autumn in New England!

Plans for the week.....Get some sleep. Watch some more horror movies (it is October, after all). Decide which WIP I am finally going to commit to this fall. 

I am off to Starbucks to get a very large pumpkin spice latte.

Hope yinz all have a great week!

Penelope

And We Have A Winner!

Congrats to Eva/TXBookjunkie!

You're the winner of a signed print copy of Sweet Magik!

Thanks to everyone who entered the giveaway. Oskar and his brothers will be back in a couple of weeks to celebrate the digital release day.

Happy Weekend!

Penelope

Review of My Third-World Girlfriend by RJ Silver

My Third-World Girlfriend by RJ Silver

Hee heee heeee....Oh lordy! RJ Silver does indeed have a wicked sense of humor. I have been plowing through all of his books, and I just finished his latest offering, My Third-World Girlfriend.

Once again, he combines sharp and stinging wit with a sweet romance. This is a quick read, but filled with humor, social commentary, and a tender love story. Our hero, Gerry, is a bumbling westerner who has a dismal history with women. He makes the unfortunate acquaintance of three misogynist old geezers who talk him into chucking his old life and travelling to Thailand, where there are plenty of willing women, cold beers, and general debauchery.

Gerry meets the woman of his dreams (Kinlaya) while puking his guts out on a sidewalk after an all-night bender. This inevitably leads to some conflict with his womanizing partners-in-crime, who worry that his new relationship will lead to his emasculation and a lifetime of being hen-pecked.

At one point he meets his friends in a bar and realizes he has no money (his girlfriend hides his cash to invest in their future)....

"Say, you guys don't happen to have a few baht you could loan me, do you? I seem to have left my money back home."

"Vhere?" asked Fritz. "In the jar with your testicles?"

Poor Gerry. He falls in love with his sweet new girlfriend, but as the grown-up responsibilities of real life close in (running errands, cleaning dishes, building shoe shelves for Kinlaya), so does his uncertainty. I don't want to spoil the hilarious ending of this story for you, but suffice it to say it involves a shipwreck, de-programming by Amazonian natives, and a lovely Happy Ever After (HEA).

I'm not sure how he does it, but Silver manages to skewer the a-holes exploiting women from third world countries, paint a sympathetic portrait of the bumbling hero, and weave a sweet romance together in one short story. Some satires are scathing and depressing as hell. I always finish reading one of RJ's stories with a big smile on my face.

Another winner by RJ Silver! Keep 'em coming, RJ! :^)

Grade: A

P.S. I would also like to point out that all of Silver's stories are self-pubbed. I can't speak for the rest of the self-published books in the world, but I know there is still quite a bit of skepticism and snobbery concerning self-pubbed/"indie" books. ("Indie" actually refers to small independent presses, but there is confusion about these terms.) For anyone who still considers a self-pubbed book a "second class citizen" I suggest you read one of RJ's books. These are well-written, well-constructed, entertaining, clever, unique and quirky bits of storytelling. All topped off with an HEA, which makes them damned near perfect in my not so humble opinion. Yep, I am officially an RJ Silver fan-girl/stalker. No restraining orders necessary, RJ! I swear!

As of 10-13-11 (the date I am writing this post), his story The Princess and The Penis is ranked #6 on the Amazon romance bestseller list. Are you kidding me? A small self-pubbed book that is a satire of the princess and the pea is in the Top 10! Take that, big-ass New York publishers! Woo hoo! His success story is inspirational for authors everywhere.

Happily ever after,
Penelope

It's A Slippery Slope

Amazon Reviews
Review of Lovers In Love by Jane Schmo
This is reviewed by Patricia P. Paddlepuss of "Supra-Romantic Romances"

"What a wonderful story! Anne and Frank don't really like each other when they first meet. Sparks were flying! But then they finally fell in love, got married, and had 4 babies. What a romantic happy ending."

Grade: A

****

Comment from Joe: Well thanks a lot, Patricia! You just gave away the whole ending. Now I'm not going to read the book. I'm sure the author really appreciates that you just spoiled the entire story with your stupid review. I think that you need to review your reviews. Because they suck.

Comment from Lisa: Patricia, I loved this book, too. And I loved your review. Ignore Joe. He's an idiot. I think he needs to review his comment of your review. It would get an "F"!!!

Comment from Tammy: I think Lisa needs to review her review of the comment of your review. Because Joe is right. You're an idiot. (And so is Lisa.)

Comment from Marshall: I hesitate to bring this up, but this story IS a romance. All romances have a happy ending. So this just further supports Lisa's hypothesis that Joe is an idiot. Because why should he be surprised that there is a happy ending in a romance novel? They all end that way....love, marriage, babies. Sometimes vampire conversions. You know! Come on! My review of Joe's comment on Patricia's review is....epic fail.

Comment from Nancy: My review of the review of the comment of the original review is....wait, I lost my train of thought.

Comment from Jane: I wrote this book. I'm just happy if anyone is reading it, reviewing it. It's all good! Thanks, everyone.

Comment from Kira: I don't care if Jane wrote the book. I think her comment about the comments about the review, reviewing the review, is ridiculous.

Comment from John: Nice going, Patricia! This book was free, but now it's 99 cents....thanks to dumb-ass people like you who review it and make it popular.

Comment from Nancy: John, you can't cough up a big whopping buck for a book? Get a job!

Comment from Joe: I think the comment on the comment of the review on the comment of the review on the reviewer's review is superb! Well done! At least SOME PEOPLE know how to write a good review.


****

Signing Off,
Patricia P. Paddlepuss

Bridgerton Re-Read Extravaganza

Many moons ago, I learned about the historical romance genre from Julia Quinn, Lisa Kleypas, Mary Balogh, and Stephanie Laurens. What a great education! Vintage Julia Quinn is filled with emotion, humor, and a totally satisfying level of sensuality. New Julia Quinn is a bunch of marshmallow fluff...lots of empty calories, and you can't remember the names of the characters the next day.

In spite of the fact that JQ has lost her writing mojo (in my not-at-all humble opinion), I adore re-reading the oldies but goodies. I especially love the Bridgertons...one of the greatest of historical romance families. Here is a run-down of my recent re-read extravaganza.

In order of favorites...(not in chronological order)...

1. Romancing Mister Bridgerton (#4)

Without a doubt, RMB is my absolute favorite Bridgerton book, and on my all-time favorite historical list. In fact, Penelope Featherington was the inspiration for my pen-name. I love her! This story showcases all of Quinn's strong points...there is banter and sweetness and romance and emotional intensity and even a huge surprise thrown in for good measure. It is about a wallflower who is totally overlooked, but underneath is talented, determined, loving, loyal, and has a wicked sense of humor. Colin is a man searching for an identity. She has loved him forever. His love for her develops unexpectedly, and is so sweet and romantic, I could just swoon every time I read it. And the true identity of Lady Whistledown is brilliantly done in this book. You feel the love the Bridgerton siblings have for each other and their mother. You cheer for Penelope when the ugly duckling wallflower becomes a swan and marries the man of her dreams. You cheer for Colin who is a hero in the truest sense of the word. This book is pure gold. Grade: A+

2. To Sir Phillip With Love (#5)

In second place is Eloise's story. If a book has botanical Latin in it, it pretty much is going to get an A rating from Penelope, who has degrees in plant taxonomy and horticultural science and speaks botanical Latin fluently. (Plant Geek!). The hero in TSPWL is a botanist, and at the beginning of the book he and Eloise exchange letters. He encloses pressed flowers for her. *fanning myself* Oh, how I love Phillip...he has no clue how to be a good husband or how to be a good father...he is most comfortable with his plants in the greenhouse. Not only must Eloise win him over, but she also has to win over his horribly behaved children, who are desperate for affection. Well, Eloise is up to the challenge. She's a Bridgerton, for Christ's sake! This love story is lusty and romantic as hell and adorable and Phillip's final declaration of love...written in flower petals...is one of the sweetest gestures ever. Swoonilicious! Grade: A

3. The Viscount Who Loved Me (#2)

This was the first one I read of the series...I read #1 later (which is The Duke and I...not included in this list because it wasn't one of my favorites of the series). Anthony is the head of the Bridgerton family, saddled with responsibility, and traumatized by the death of his father. Kate is living in the shadow of her sister, who is a "diamond" being courted by all marriage-minded men. She is very protective of her younger sister, and is not at all happy when Anthony Bridgerton, rake extraordinaire, sets his sights on her. There are so many wonderful scenes in this book! I especially love the croquet game with all of the Bridgerton siblings exhibiting extremely poor sportsmanship! Kate slowly begins to realize that Anthony is actually a man of honor and kindness. She is crushed to find that she herself has fallen in love with the man who is courting her beloved sister. Oh, how I love this scenario! And Anthony of course finds himself much more fascinated with brash and clever Kate than the stunning younger sib. This book is a super satisfying, romantic read. Love it! Grade: A-

4. An Offer From A Gentleman (#3)

This is Quinn's answer to the Cinderella story. Sophie has an evil stepmother and stepsister. She is living as a maid in their home after the death of her father. Benedict meets her at a masquerade ball. They share one magical night, and Benedict becomes obsessed with finding her...but alas, years pass until they are reunited. This story is super romantic. However, I had forgotten how big a schmo Benedict is for a good chunk of the book, pressuring Sophie to become his mistress because he believes she is not "marriageable" in the eyes of the ton. He more than makes up for his asinine behavior by several heroic acts, including saving her from the clutches of her evil stepmother. The final scene in the book which takes place outside Sophie's prison cell is priceless. I love how Violet (the Bridgerton matriarch) unsheathes her claws with the hideous step-mama in order to protect her family. And of course, she considers Sophie family when she sees how deeply in love Benedict has fallen. What a satisfying ending! As always, true love prevails. Grade: B+

5. When He Was Wicked (#6)

Meh. I know a lot of folks who really dig this one, but it wasn't my fav. I never got a feel for why Michael had been in love with Francesca for so long. This book seemed to focus quite a bit about guilt, not enough about their love. I didn't think WHWW was as satisfying as the others. Grade: B-/C+

The rest of the series is marshmallow fluff. And I didn't love the first one that much either.

Anyway, those are some of my favorites. What's your favorite Bridgerton book? Are you still enjoying Quinn's books, or do you think they are losing the magic?

Happy Reading,
Penelope

P.S. The giveaway contest for Sweet Magik is still open...please leave a comment on this post to enter! Thanks!

Sweet Magik Print Version Now Available! Giveaway Today!

I was surprised to get an email yesterday letting me know my latest Christmas novel, Sweet Magik, is now available in print! Release day for the digital format is still 11-4-11. I have mixed feelings about print books, as you all know. I am now addicted to my Kindle for various reasons....I love being able to adjust font size, leave bookmarks/comments for myself in the text, and pages don't snap shut while I'm reading. However, it is sort of cool to have a book in print, even if it is totally overpriced ($15!!!).

Since the print version is a bit pricey, I would love to give a copy away for free. Here are the rules for the giveaway....

1.) Leave a comment.
2.) Any old comment.
3.) Tell me about your dog, your husband's beard, your garden, what book you're reading right now.
4.) Just say hi.
5.) Make sure I have your email so I can get in touch if you win!
6.) Giveaway is open until Friday Oct 14.
7.) Have a nice day.

That's it! If you would like to read an excerpt, please visit my website....Penny Watson.

Here's the book blurb for Sweet Magik....it's the 2nd installment of the Klaus Brothers Series. Yep, those Klaus brothers! You know.....they live in the North Pole, deliver gifts all over the earth, get themselves into a boatload of trouble. Happy Reading!

SWEET MAGIK......

Oskar Klaus' job is killing him. Not even his favorite hobbies (extreme snowboarding and browsing old bookstores) are enough to snap him out of his funk. It's not easy living in the shadow of four successful older brothers and a father named Santa. Little does he know that a kiss on New Year's Eve is about to turn his life upside-down.

Kiana Grant's Manhattan life is a world away from her childhood in Oahu. She traded sunsets and surfing for a respectable career in library science, but Oskar Klaus is a temptation that's hard to resist. Before she knows it, she's in the midst of an outrageous adventure in the North Pole, dealing with mischievous elves, wicked demons, and a devastating attraction to Santa's youngest son.

There's just one problem...a bitter elf hell-bent on revenge threatens the future of everyone in the North Pole, even Santa himself...

❅❅❅

Leave a comment to enter the giveaway!

Penelope

It's A Jungle Out There

This is what my lovely courtyard garden looks like right now. Not so lovely.

When I say it's a jungle, I do mean jungle. We have multi-generational bunny families living in there. Snakes. Chipmunks. Weeds taller than I am. Overgrown shrubs and vines. At some point during the summer (early) it got out of control and I was afraid to go in there and weed and prune because the baby bunnies kept hopping around.

Underneath the jungle are hostas. Somewhere on the left I think? Hee hee! I had tons of Johnny Jump-Ups (which the bunnies ate with great relish). I still have oregano (another bunny favorite), lemon balm, basil. The chives have disappeared. 

As far as horticultural goals, this is an epic fail. But since I don't like to focus on my failures, I am already looking ahead to next year. I'm going to have a highly organized "potager" style garden, with a brick in-lay and gorgeous terracotta pots. 

In the meantime, I can still enjoy the nasturtiums I planted....poking out next to the lemon balm......

I also have some nice African blue basil.....

And some pretty hydrangea flowers, seen here with a zebra grass.....

Even though my lawn guys mowed down ALL of my morning glory and sweet pea seedlings this year--TWICE! (I tried to replant them)--a few from last year self-seeded, and they survived.....

Sometimes I think my garden is sort of like my life....out of control. But with good stuff floating around in there. :^)

I hope that everyone has a great week....filled with gorgeous flowers, minimal weeds, and even the occasional cute baby bunny.

All my best,
Penelope

Beard of the Day

Beard of the day goes to.....*drum roll*.......Alexander Skarsgard! He is the epitome of excellent scruffy Swedish deliciousness.

Interesting things about Alexander Skarsgard....

1.) He had his first film role when he was 7 years old.

2.) He has been named The Sexiest Man In Sweden five times. (hee hee)

3.) He played "Meekus" in the film Zoolander.

Believe it or not, I have never actually seen True Blood. I know. It's unbelievable. However, that doesn't keep me from appreciating the blond scruffy facial hair of this hottie.

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend!

Penelope

ETA: Oh yeah! I made a Beardy McBeardster treasury list at Etsy. Check it out!

It Ain't Easy Being Cheap

Inspired by a new challenge at my Goodreads group, I am searching for cheap (99 cents) and freebie books this month.

This is a great challenge for me, for several reasons.

1.) I don't make any money reviewing books.
2.) I have no ads on my website.
3.) I have no paying sponsors on my website. (I like being an "Old Skool"-style book blogger...hee hee!)
4.) I rarely accept ARCs. I pay for my books.
5.) I don't make any money as a promo consultant. (I do it for free).
6.) I'm not making a ton of cash from my own book sales.
7.) All of my assorted jobs are volunteer.
8.) I read a ton of books, and there is no freakin' way I can be shelling out $20 for a hardcover when I read at least a book a day, sometimes more.

I believe in the currency of doing good deeds. (And mooching off my husband!)

My daughter's suggestions for making some money....
1) Become a dachshund breeder.
2) Open a cafe that serves only high-sugar products.
3) Start my own Etsy store selling hand-made origami animals.

While I ponder these options, I'm looking for good deals on Kindle. Here are some I've found for this month....


***A Duke For All Seasons by Mia Marlowe
This looks like a cute historical. It's only 99 cents at Amazon right now.

***My Third World Girlfriend by RJ Silver
This hilarious story is only 99 cents on Kindle. It's the latest release by my new favorite humorist, RJ Silver. His other books, The Princess and The Penis and The Ballerina, The Gymnast and the Yoga Master, are also available on Kindle for 99 cents. I can't recommend these books highly enough. They are clever, well-written and laugh-out-loud funny.

***The Sweet Gum Tree by Katherine Allred
This book comes highly recommended. Every person I know who read it, loved it. So I'm giving it a go, even though it sounds a little high on the angsty side for me. It's only $1.49 for Kindle.

***Wicked Games by Jill Myles
This freebie is wicked good. I loved it! And I don't even like contemporary romance, so there!

Any other suggestions for freebie/cheapie books? Please let me know!


Wondering if there will be a huge surge of interest in beardy lumberjack books, and I will suddenly hit the jack-pot next year,

Penelope

A Beardy Love Story, Coming Soon!

A Tale Of Beardy Love

Coming 2012

Lumberjack In Love by Penny Watson

Here is an excerpt from Lumberjack In Love......

     Ami rounded the corner of the house and stopped dead in her tracks. She had no idea what Mr. Anderson looked like from the front. But from the back, he was no grizzled old man. A massive specimen of masculinity raised an ax high above his head, then crushed it down on a log, propped on another stump. His arms bulged beneath a thin T-shirt, sweat drenched his back. Faded blue jeans hugged his ass and meaty-looking thighs. His ensemble was completed by a pair of scuffed up work boots, and a navy-blue skull cap on his head. He stopped momentarily, leaned over to grab a rag, and wiped the handle of the ax. Ami still couldn't get a glimpse of his face, but the view from behind was certainly....well....impressive.

            He swung the ax again, splitting the log in front of him, and the two half-pieces tumbled to the ground.            

            Ami must have squeaked unwittingly. She didn't mean to squeak. But suddenly Marcus Anderson's head whipped around and he leveled her with an aggravated glare. Whoa, Nelly. Looking pretty good from the front side, too.

            The mountain man dropped the ax to the ground and stalked over to where she stood, immobilized in place. His face was dark, thunderous, and absolutely freaking gorgeous. Electric blue eyes, high cheekbones, and a thick lush beard that Ami wanted to rub all over. Now where did that crazy thought come from? I don't even like beards! Think ZZ Top, think Santa Claus, think...think....

            Ami's thought process stalled as the giant man stopped right in front of her and leaned down to eye level.

            "Can I help you with something? Since you're trespassing?" his voice rumbled. His eyes raked over her, taking in her leather duster, Coach purse, and stiletto boots, and he glanced heavenward.

            "Flatlander?"

            Ami bristled. "What's it to ya?"

Hee hee hee....get ready for some lumberjack love!

Penny

Penelope's Hot Tips For Romance Writers: The Promo Checklist

What happens if you write a book and don't do anything about promoting it?

Well....here's an analogy.

You spend 9 hours getting ready for the prom. You do your hair. You put on make-up. You pick out an apricot-colored Gunne Sax dress with ruffles. You spritz on perfume.

And then you sit in your living room and never leave the house.

Don't you want to get to the prom? Dirty dance with Robby "Boom-Boom" Football Player? Spike the punch bowl? Make fun of other people's outfits?

Sure you do!

Likewise, if you spend years writing a masterpiece, and then finally get a publisher, it would be a big-ass downer if no one bought your book. Or read it. Or reviewed it. Or liked it, and sent you a nice fan letter. Or recommended it to her friends.

If you are a first time author with a small publisher, unless you get off your butt and start promoting your new book, it's possible that you'll be stuck in your living room for all of eternity. You could have dismal sales. No one will be reading your masterpiece and discovering what a talented and wonderful writer you are.

Plenty of authors focus on their craft, and the difficult path to publication. But there's more to this writing adventure than just creating a story and getting it published. Doesn't matter if you are a big-time author with a New York publisher, or a self-pubber, or an author with a small to medium sized publisher. Every author needs to take some responsibility for promoting her own work. You are ultimately responsible for your own success!

I could go on and on about this topic (and often do...hee hee!) but today I am just going to post a helpful checklist for writers who have a new release coming out. Make a promo plan or strategy for your book. Get a calendar and fill it up with events...supplement your publisher's review requests with your own, schedule interviews, guest blog posts, contests/giveaways and book signings, buy advertising spots, do chats, plan a virtual tour. Don't forget to post announcements on release day.

Here is a handy-dandy checklist to organize these events and stay on top of your responsibilities. Please comment/email with any questions! I'd love to hear from you!

Penny's Promo Checklist

6-12 months before release (or more).....

*Get a calendar and make a plan!

*Determine money and time budget first.

*Contact folks about advertisements, especially places that fill up far in advance.

*Contact reviewers/bloggers/romance sites about supplemental reviews, interviews, guest blogging, giveaways, etc.

*Create a PROMO FOLDER on your computer w/ jpeg of book cover, blurb, excerpt, bio, head shot, purchase links.

*Contact bookstores about signings/Register for conferences, etc.

*Update blog/website with announcements.

*For first time authors, make sure you have a website in place, a Goodreads author page, blog if you would like one, FB author page, etc.

2-4 months before release.....

*Make ads/hire someone to make them for you.

*Design/order promotional items such as bookmarks, Romance Trading Cards, pens, etc.

*Start working on interview questions, guest blog spots, etc. Get ahead with this work! It will start steamrolling as release day approaches!

*Update blog/website with any new info about book. If you have any early ARC reviews, add positive quotes/snippets--on website, on Twitter, on FB, etc.

1-2 months before release.....

*Email/confirm with all bloggers/sites about virtual tours.

*Step up pre-release promo, but don't over-do....maybe once a week announcement with a positive review snippet, or a quickie excerpt.... Save biggest promo for when you have your PURCHASE LINK!

*If you have a newsletter, send reminders about release day.

RELEASE DAY!!!.....

*BIG DAY! Try to schedule highest traffic/highest visibility event online for this day.  Participate! Leave comments and chat w/ readers!

*Announcements: On FB, Twitter, Goodreads, Yahoo Loops, Writer's Groups, Appropriate Message Boards, Newsletter, Chats, Blog/Website.

*Send follow-up thank-you notes to bloggers/sites.

Release week/month (1-2 months out).....

*Continue with aggressive promo for launch week/initial month. Try to schedule 3-5 events/launch week, then 1-3 events/the rest of the month.

*MIX IT UP! Don't have 5 interviews in a row. Try for an interview on Monday, new review on Wed, giveaway on Friday.

*As readers check out your new book, they post their own ratings/reviews and discuss it online. That's your promo!

*Do book-signings, organize a book launch party, attend conferences (give workshops, participate in book fair, etc).

Post-release.....

*For seasonal releases, promo is essentially done after the holiday season is over. For non-seasonal releases, you can ease up (1-2 events/month?) until the next release is out. Opt for more general promo events, not necessarily geared for that particular book.

I gave a talk to the Rhode Island Romance Writers on Saturday, and we discussed this topic. What a great group of writers! They had tons of energy and enthusiasm.

I'll be picking topics from this checklist to discuss in more detail each week on my blog. Next up...how to determine a budget in terms of time and money for your promotional needs.

Hope this helps! Please comment with any questions/concerns.

All my best,

Penelope

The Bonus Round

As I was walking into my son's middle school on Tuesday, about to partake of the dreaded "curriculum night"---forced to endure boring lectures by school administrators, bumble around trying to find Room 205, and experience unwanted algebra flashbacks---I got hit with a thought. (That happens to me sometimes). I didn't feel sorry for myself. I didn't mind that I had 2 and 1/2 hours of boredom ahead of me. What I thought was....

This is all good. I'm alive. It's the "Bonus Round."

And I realized, as I walked behind a mom with low-rider jeans meant for a 13 year old girl, that this is the new way I view my life. 

Everything after my heart attack is The Bonus Round. I could have died, but I didn't. So even boring, mundane, irritating, exasperating, horrifying, difficult, emotional, and painful experiences are all good. Because I'm still here. I can't get too worked up about the bus always being late, glitter all over the house, and the dog peeing on my pillow. Because my daughter has fun on the bus, my house sparkles like a Britney Spear's costume, and I can switch pillows with my hubby and he'll never know. Stuff that used to bum me out is now viewed with more humor and good grace.

I'm not sure if that means I'm older and wiser. Definitely older. But I still listen to High School Musical, so maybe not wiser or necessarily more mature. But I like this new attitude. The Bonus Round is good. It makes you appreciate stuff you used to take for granted. It makes you less likely to complain. It makes you laugh when you realize your husband has glitter on his ass just as he is about to go to work.

The Bonus Round is all good. I'll take it.

Penelope

Get Ready For Oskar Klaus....

He's got green punk hair.

Serious attitude.

And an address in the North Pole.

Get ready for Oskar.....

Sweet Magik, coming to a bookstore near you...11-4-11

❆❆❆

Review of The Ballerina, The Gymnast, and The Yoga Master by RJ Silver

Review of The Ballerina, The Gymnast, and The Yoga Master by RJ Silver

I think RJ Silver might be my long-lost twin brother.

I tried to bookmark every place in this book that made me laugh out loud while I was reading it, and I realized I was bookmarking every single page.

No shit.

It takes a certain kind of talent to be able to make fun of people, and do it in a light-hearted, non-offensive way, and to add a sweet optimism into that mixture of cynical satire.

RJ Silver has that whole thing down.

Following up a book titled The Princess and The Penis is a pretty tall order. What to do for an encore? Well, once again Silver has penned a short, sweet, hilarious, clever, adorable story with an HEA. There's really nothing more a girl could ask for. (At least this girl).

My favorite books have symmetry in them, both in character arcs and storylines. For example, the stuffy professor lightens up by the end of the book and learns how to laugh. The horrible tragedy that occurs in Chapter One leads to a romantic and satisfying HEA at the end of the book. The man who has everything (a billionaire) really has nothing because he can't find love. Until he does. With a chocolate-loving stranger sitting next to him on a park bench. (That's this story, by the way).

I don't want to spoil the book, so suffice it to say that RJ Silver makes fun of everyone--people, places and things--and you are laughing right along with him. Until the adorable end which was absolute perfection.

He might not admit it, but I think Silver is a romance-lover at heart. After you finish laughing at everyone and yourself, there's nothing better than snuggling up with the one you love. (Or dressing up like a fireman and playing "Save The Damsel In Distress.")

Grade: A

Loving this gem!

Penelope

Monday Morning Update: The Commencement Of Half-Assed Week

This is the commencement of "Half-Assed Week" which is what I call weeks with half-days and additional days-off from school. The kids love them. I hate them. We have a half-day on Tuesday, and a full day off on Thursday, and of course this is the week I have 10 million things to get done.

1.) Prepare for my talk on Saturday for the Rhode Island Romance Writers. It's titled Penelope's Plethora of Promotional Proverbs: Promoting Your Book. I think the title is pretty much self-explanatory, as well as an excellent example of alliteration.

2.) Read The Ballerina, the Gymnast, and the Yoga Master by RJ Silver. In preparation for RJ's new release coming out soon, I decided to read all his back titles. It's the perfect week for satire.

3.) Write reviews for An Offer From A Gentleman, The Viscount Who Loved Me, To Sir Phillip With Love, and Romancing Mr. Bridgerton. My Bridgerton re-reading extravaganza continues. I think it is satisfying a deep-needed craving for pure romance, as opposed to willy-nilly boinking and unwelcome BJs.

4.) Take 600 old romance novels to the used book store and attempt not to shame myself by bawling like a baby. I can do it!

5.) Hopefully I will be getting my new cover for Lumberjack In Love, as well as the advertising banner for Sweet Magik. Will post everything when they're ready for action!

6.) Attend middle school curriculum night at 6:30 PM on Tuesday. Attend the mandatory parent meeting for swim team at 6:30 PM on Tuesday. Notice a problem with that? Sigh.

7.) Plan promotional events for Sweet Magik, which is coming out Nov. 4. Also do promotional and other tasks for NECRWA spring conference committee.

8.) DO NOT MISS HAIR APPT ON THURSDAY.
Me to stylist: Nothing subtle. I want big chunks of color! I want to look dramatic! Make it look like a lion's mane!
Sylist: Okay.
5 Hours (and $300) later I leave the salon with teeny-tiny streaks of subtle highlights. #^$%@*$&!!!!!!

9.) Work on WIP? It could happen. Not.

10.) Drink generous glass of red wine each evening. For my heart.

Please enjoy the incredibly embarrassing photo of me from the 1980's. I used to dye my big, fluffy hair...um...pink? I'm not sure exactly what that freakin' color is, but it certainly isn't anything found in the natural world. Also note the hideous pink satin shirt I'm wearing, and enough make-up to keep all of the Maybelline grandchildren in college for years to come.

Happy Freakin' Monday,
Penelope

Is It Healthy If It Has A Fruit In It?

Last night I enjoyed a wonderful reunion with my Vassar buds, and I also discovered a new cocktail...a lychee martini. Thanks, Smita! Here's a simple recipe from the Food Network....


Lychee Martini

Ice cubes
6 oz. vodka (pronounce wod-ka if you're really drunk)
4 oz. lychee juice
Splash vermouth
2 lychees, for garnish

Shake it all up in a cocktail shaker with lots of ice! Pour into glass and add lychees as a garnish. Reminisce about the good old college days when you were a skinny, chain-smokin' party animal who could whip off a 20 page paper in one night. Sigh....ah, the good old days. When shoulder pads were in. And Janet Jackson was in "control." And no one had cell phones or computers. And Facebook didn't exist. Hard to believe that has been in this lifetime. Especially the shoulder pads!

Have a lovely weekend,
Penelope

Dear Mr. Publisher....

Dear Mr. Johnny Come Lately Publisher,

My name is Miranda B. Cuttlefish, and I have written a beautiful and romantic story about two young star-crossed lovers. The title is A Sweet Summertime Love. The heroine is a kind social worker who helps underprivileged children in her spare time, and the hero is a marine with a severe crew-cut who worships the ground she walks on. This lovely contemporary is a "sweet" romance....in other words, no unsavory scenes, if you get my drift. I hope you will consider publishing it. I am a former nun who is following my life-long dream of becoming a romance novelist.

Sincerely,
Miranda B. Cuttlefish

***

Dear Ms. Cuttlefish,

I read your story and found it quite intriguing. I especially like the hero's crew cut. However, I am wondering if you are open to making a few changes to the manuscript before publication. Rated G "sweet" romances are not that popular right now. Could we include some oral sex scenes? In other words, they don't have to "go all the way" but a blow job will surely help sales. What do you think?

John

****

Dear John,

Well, I am slightly uncomfortable with those sorts of unnatural sex acts, but I suppose if you think it will help sales, I would be willing to give it a try.

Sincerely,
Miranda

****

Dear Ms. Cuttlefish,

I have looked over your re-writes and the oral sex scenes need some work. For example, just placing a chaste kiss on the tip of a penis does not actually constitute oral sex. Also, my colleagues think that a menage scenario would spice this story up a bit. One of them also suggested a spanking scene. Maybe when they are visiting the grandmother who lives in Sicily? What do you think?

John

****

Dear John,

I am not familiar with the French language. What exactly does menage mean? And I'm not sure a spanking scene would be appropriate at that emotional point in the story. His grandmother has just died, and you want him to spank the heroine? I don't get it.

Miranda

****

Dear Ms. Cuttlefish,

After further discussion, my colleagues have agreed to publish your book if the following changes are made to the manuscript....

1.) The hero is a vampire.
2.) The heroine is a submissive who requires copious amounts of flogging in order to orgasm.
3.) At least 4 scenes in the book should include anal sex and butt plugs.
4.) A male/male sex scene (potentially orgy) should be added during the marine reunion chapter.
5.) Instead of a crew cut, the hero should have long, shaggy hair (evidently women find this attractive).

Please make the necessary revisions and we will get back to you.

John

****

Dear John,

1.) The majority of my story takes place during daylight hours, so I'm not sure how to transform the hero into a vampire, since he would be instantly incinerated.
2.) What is a butt plug?
3.) How many characters need to be involved in an "orgy"? Just looking for a ball-park figure.
4.) I really feel the crew cut is important to the hero's character since he is a marine.

Miranda

****

Dear Ms. Cuttlefish,

We were pleasantly surprised by your re-writes. Who knew a nun would be so creative with a marine super-orgy scene? That was truly inspired. We now feel your book is ready for publication. In fact, I predict stunning sales for this work. Thank you so much for your flexibility.

John

****

Dear John,

This has certainly been an eye-opening experience for me. After doing some "hands-on" research at the local BDSM club to ensure my book had an authentic feel to it, I am now considered one of the premiere female dominatrixes in my area. I can't wait for Spanking Henrietta to hit the stores. Thanks so much for your help.

Miranda

Review of Winter Woman by Jenna Kernan

Winter Woman by Jenna Kernan

Penelope's introduction to the American frontier was the same as many other small girls....that is to say, Little House On The Prairie. Yes, I voraciously read that entire series, and I learned about how difficult it was for pioneers to survive. Cold, unforgiving winters, the threat of starvation, animal attacks, hungry hordes of grasshoppers, sickness without modern medicine, and Native Americans who could be friend or foe.

(I also suspect that my beard fetish may have its origins with Pa Ingalls, but let's not go there.)

Needless to say, there is the potential for a lot of conflict in frontier-style romance novels. I usually don't like them because of this. In particular, the threat of hideous torture, scalping and disfigurement by angry natives causes me great anxiety. So much so, that I can't relax and enjoy the book.

After attempting to read several well-beloved pioneer/western romance novels, and being horribly disappointed, I gave up. But someone must have recommended Winter Woman to me (I suspect it's because the hero has a beard for a good portion of the story), and I am so very glad I gave it a go! It is a superb story, with the just the right amount of conflict for me. Cordelia is a missionary's widow, forced to survive the unrelenting winter by herself after her husband's ill-timed death. When the hero Nash first meets her, she is starved, afraid, and desperate. He is gruff, coarse, and has no interest in taking care of this woman. 

Their love story was absolute perfection. The skinny city girl learns how to trap and fish and skin a bear, how to fight and trust and use her sharp mind to survive any circumstances. The lone frontiersman learns to share his life with this new partner. He is at first shocked by her determination and willingness to learn and adapt; she earns his respect, then his lust, and finally his love. And eventually, he owes her his very life after a terrifying bear attack. Nash starts out as a wounded animal, devastated by the loss of his first wife, living a solitary and brutal life in the wilderness. Cordelia thaws out his heart and gives him hope for his future--that it could include a wife and family, something he had totally given up on. 

There is a wonderful symmetry in this book, a perfect balance of hard and soft, brutal and kind, past and future. It was touching and suspenseful and unexpected. Who would think a well-educated and religious woman would be the perfect life partner for a cynical and stubborn frontiersman? Well, Jenna Kernan made me fall totally in love with both of these characters, and this book is a gem.

Grade: A

Digging those pioneer beards,

Penelope

Most Disturbing Headline Of The Week And Beard Of The Day

"Justin Theroux Hints He Shaved Beard For Jen Aniston"

According to US Weekly (yeah, I read US Weekly, what's it to ya?), Justin Theroux shaved off this most excellent beard for his new girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston. This article states that Theroux was "proud" of his "full, hipster-friendly beard he sported until early summer." However, during an interview with GQ magazine, he admitted "Certain chicks dig it; certain chicks don't." He shaved his beard shortly after they finished shooting the movie Wanderlust (and after he hooked up with Miss Jen). 

All I have to say is.....that beeyotch!

Happy Beardy Friday To All!
Penelope

For Wallflowers Everywhere

From Romancing Mister Bridgerton, by Julia Quinn.....

"I would like to marry Mr. Bridgerton," Penelope said, trying to summon up as much quiet dignity as she could manage. "He asked me and I said yes."

"Well, of course you said yes," her mother retorted. "You'd have to be an idiot to say no."

"Mrs. Featherington," Colin said tightly, "I suggest you begin treating my future wife with a bit more respect."

"Colin, it's not necessary," Penelope said, placing her hand on his arm, but the truth was--her heart was soaring. He might not love her, but he cared about her. No man could defend a woman with such fierce protectiveness without caring for her a little.

"It is necessary," he returned. "For God's sake, Penelope, I arrived with you. I made it abundantly clear that I required your presence in the room, and I practically shoved Felicity out the door to fetch her watercolors. Why on earth would anyone think I wanted Felicity?"

Mrs. Featherington opened and closed her mouth several times before finally saying, "I love Penelope, of course, but--"

"But do you know her?" Colin shot back. "She's lovely and intelligent and has a fine sense of humor. Who wouldn't want to marry a woman like that?"

Penelope would have melted to the floor if she weren't already holding on to his hand. "Thank you," she whispered, not caring if her mother heard her, not even caring if Colin heard her. Somehow she needed to say the words for herself.

Not what she thought she was.

Lady Danbury's face swam before her eyes, her expression warm and just a little bit cunning.

Something more. Maybe Penelope was something more, and maybe Colin was the only other person to realize that as well.

It made her love him all the more.

Sigh,

Penelope

Updates On Challenges, Vows, Blood Oaths 'N Stuff

How am I doing on my TBR Challenge and "Vow Not To Purchase Any Etsy Items In September" and other goals? Hmmm......let's see.....

1.) I'm doing pretty well with the TBR Challenge so far. I only purchased one book, and it was 99 cents. Right now I am about to start a re-read of Romancing Mister Bridgerton by Julia Quinn. It's not actually helping to decrease my TBR pile, but at least I didn't purchase anything new. So that's a tie I guess. By the way, this book inspired my pen-name: Penelope!

2.) As for my Etsy addiction...Well, I finally caved. What I wanted to buy: dog bed, dog tag, cool prints, felted bowls, adorable hat, pottery, and the most gorgeous tiara I have ever seen. (I know, I know....when the hell would I ever wear a tiara?) What I did buy....was one gorgeous pendant necklace with citrine and yellow mystic quartz on gold hoops. I love yellow things. Yellow is sunny and happy and positive and inspiring. (And I'm so full of sh*t because I'm trying to rationalize my purchase...hee hee!).

3.) My purge of old print romance novels will be taking place next week. I'm hauling about 600 old books to the used book store. I'll post pics of the traumatic event. Good times.....not.

4.) New Vow Starting Today: I gave up coffee. And I'm substituting.....dirty hot water herbal tea. Gulp. This day is gonna suck.

5.) Diet goals: I'm pushing for the 50-pound weight loss mark. I've been hovering at around 45 pounds down, and I'm having trouble moving past that. So this month I'm returning to my old, strict diet to see if I can jump-start the weight loss. Just me, some celery stix, and dirty hot water herbal tea. Did you know that Starbucks is now serving their pumpkin spice lattes? Sniff, sniff.

6.) Writing goals: Now that the kids are back in school, I can get back to work. I have a hot bearded lumberjack to write about. And a sad bearded farmer to write about. And some beardy Klaus brothers to write about. And finally, a bearded botanist. What do all these things have in common? That's right! They're all men. Good job.

Well, that's the wrap-up! Hope all yinz have a great day. I'm sure mine will be swell, as I drink dirty hot water herbal tea and munch on celery stix and manage a caffeine-withdrawal headache without motrin. I wonder when my new necklace will arrive?????

Ciao,
Penelope

Coz Nothing Says Bad-Ass More Than Pearls And A Cardigan...

Many moons ago, I read my first paranormal romance novel....Christine Feehan's Dark Prince. It was dark, melodramatic, violent at times. Vampires and vampire-hunters killed, maimed, tortured. Carpathian heroes dominated, defended, and crushed any heroine-resistance. I could only imagine how bad-ass the author must be. Any person who created such a riveting, dark and dramatic tale must certainly look the part. So here is how I imagined Christine Feehan....in a long, black duster, leather pants, 6-inch high stiletto boots, long flowing black hair, talon-like fingernails, smoky eye-shadow. Tall and voluptuous, with a smattering of bad-ass tattoos, probably one on her bosom. (Picture Sandra Dee from the end of Grease, only kicked up a couple of notches!).

What I discovered, is that she actually looks like this....

Oh...My....God! I couldn't believe it! The woman whose brain conjured up creamy skin and velvet sheaths and smoky-hot sex scenes and gruesome vampire deaths looked like someone's granny (she is)....cute and cuddly and super nice and like someone who would probably make you a batch of brownies if you were sick. For Christ's sakes, the puppies have bows in their hair. Bows! Pink and blue! Ack!

This is the super bad-ass who created the Dark series? I could not believe it. And then I started to investigate some more of my favorite authors.

JR Ward, creator of trash-talking, super-pumped, highly sexed, killing machines. Would she wear shit-kickers like the brothers? Black leather pants and a nice collection of tats? I almost fell out of a chair when I saw her bleached-blond hair in a bun, strands of pearls around her neck, and some sunglasses straight out of Risky Business. Because nothing says "I'm a bad-ass urban fantasy writer" more than pearls, right? Her elegant country-club attire makes her look like a model for a Talbot's catalogue.

What about Julie Garwood? Jayne Ann Krentz? JAK writes dark and eerie paranormal romance, both contemporary and historical. I expected someone who had an air of mystery. Actually she is perky, cute, and totally wholesome. (See photo below). And Julie Garwood, who has created the most alpha-hot, totally domineering Scottish warriors, not to mention some dark and disturbing contemporary romantic suspense, looks like a cross between a librarian and a college professor.  

Julie Garwood, creator of hot, sexy Scottish dudes.

JAK...So cute I want to pinch her cheeks!

Then I started to meet some erotica writers. You know, the ones who write about menages, and BDSM, and butt plugs, and all kinds of scary stuff that make me want to curl up in the fetal position. And you know what? Most of them look like soccer moms, or grandmoms, or totally ordinary, non-goth got-no-Harley, women. What's up with that? Why do the folks writing these sexy, bad-ass, and sometimes extremely naughty books, look....well....sort of boring?

Because they have really wicked-awesome imaginations, that's why! You don't have to be a bad-ass biker girl to write like one. Or about one. Or about her 3 hunky boyfriends. You just need an extremely well-developed imagination.

There is one author who actually looks the part. Gail Carriger writes quirky, steampunky stories. And she looks quirky and steampunky. The perfect match!

Anyhow, I am constantly amused by the author photos at the back of romance novels. After finishing a steamy, sexy, naughty book, there is nothing more hilarious than seeing that Susi Q. Author actually looks like someone's granny who knits booties at Christmas-time.

It crushed my fantasy of what romance writers really look like, but as long as they keep cranking out the books I love, who cares?

Thinking I should get a strand of pearls,

Penelope