Monday, September 12, 2011

Coz Nothing Says Bad-Ass More Than Pearls And A Cardigan...

Many moons ago, I read my first paranormal romance novel....Christine Feehan's Dark Prince. It was dark, melodramatic, violent at times. Vampires and vampire-hunters killed, maimed, tortured. Carpathian heroes dominated, defended, and crushed any heroine-resistance. I could only imagine how bad-ass the author must be. Any person who created such a riveting, dark and dramatic tale must certainly look the part. So here is how I imagined Christine a long, black duster, leather pants, 6-inch high stiletto boots, long flowing black hair, talon-like fingernails, smoky eye-shadow. Tall and voluptuous, with a smattering of bad-ass tattoos, probably one on her bosom. (Picture Sandra Dee from the end of Grease, only kicked up a couple of notches!).

What I discovered, is that she actually looks like this....

Oh...My....God! I couldn't believe it! The woman whose brain conjured up creamy skin and velvet sheaths and smoky-hot sex scenes and gruesome vampire deaths looked like someone's granny (she is)....cute and cuddly and super nice and like someone who would probably make you a batch of brownies if you were sick. For Christ's sakes, the puppies have bows in their hair. Bows! Pink and blue! Ack!

This is the super bad-ass who created the Dark series? I could not believe it. And then I started to investigate some more of my favorite authors.

JR Ward, creator of trash-talking, super-pumped, highly sexed, killing machines. Would she wear shit-kickers like the brothers? Black leather pants and a nice collection of tats? I almost fell out of a chair when I saw her bleached-blond hair in a bun, strands of pearls around her neck, and some sunglasses straight out of Risky Business. Because nothing says "I'm a bad-ass urban fantasy writer" more than pearls, right? Her elegant country-club attire makes her look like a model for a Talbot's catalogue.

What about Julie Garwood? Jayne Ann Krentz? JAK writes dark and eerie paranormal romance, both contemporary and historical. I expected someone who had an air of mystery. Actually she is perky, cute, and totally wholesome. (See photo below). And Julie Garwood, who has created the most alpha-hot, totally domineering Scottish warriors, not to mention some dark and disturbing contemporary romantic suspense, looks like a cross between a librarian and a college professor.  

Julie Garwood, creator of hot, sexy Scottish dudes.

JAK...So cute I want to pinch her cheeks!

Then I started to meet some erotica writers. You know, the ones who write about menages, and BDSM, and butt plugs, and all kinds of scary stuff that make me want to curl up in the fetal position. And you know what? Most of them look like soccer moms, or grandmoms, or totally ordinary, non-goth got-no-Harley, women. What's up with that? Why do the folks writing these sexy, bad-ass, and sometimes extremely naughty books, look....well....sort of boring?

Because they have really wicked-awesome imaginations, that's why! You don't have to be a bad-ass biker girl to write like one. Or about one. Or about her 3 hunky boyfriends. You just need an extremely well-developed imagination.

There is one author who actually looks the part. Gail Carriger writes quirky, steampunky stories. And she looks quirky and steampunky. The perfect match!

Anyhow, I am constantly amused by the author photos at the back of romance novels. After finishing a steamy, sexy, naughty book, there is nothing more hilarious than seeing that Susi Q. Author actually looks like someone's granny who knits booties at Christmas-time.

It crushed my fantasy of what romance writers really look like, but as long as they keep cranking out the books I love, who cares?

Thinking I should get a strand of pearls,