Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Dear Penelope

It's that time again! Time for another rousing installment of....


Dear Penelope,

Hi! I am an insecure writer who needs constant validation. I'm thinking about leaving hostile and combative comments on every poor review I receive. What do you think about that, Miss Prim-And-Proper?


Dear Newb,

I think if you want to brand yourself as an insecure, unprofessional author, this is an excellent way to do it. Knock yourself out.

Prim-And-Proper Penelope

Dear Penelope,

All of my friends are reading 50 Shades and are trying out BDSM for fun. I am not really interested in being someone's slave and having nipple clamps attached to my chest. Am I hopelessly old-fashioned?

Missionary Style Works For Me

Dear Missionary,

You are the epitome of unhip.

Call Me Master,

Dear Penelope,

I need some sparkle in my life. What do you suggest?

Dull and Listless

Dear Dull and Listless,

Try this fabulous nail polish. It's my new favorite! It's Sally Hansen's Gem Crush in "Big Money"....

Dear Penelope,

How is your garden doing this year?

Lime Green Thumb

Dear Lime Green,

Thanks for asking! My veggie garden has been over-taken by man-eating weeds, but the morning glory patch is doing great. I have a crazy, purple, pink, lavender, and then some funky ones that are streaked with different colors on the inside. Check out these photos..... (Click on them to enlarge!)

Dear Penelope,

Have you been watching the Olympics? What's your favorite event?

Glued To My Set

Dear Glue,

I love the womens' gymnastics the best. I adore this photo of Gabby inspirational!

Dear Penelope,

What book release are you most looking forward to?

A Reader

Dear Reader,

I cannot wait for Eloisa James' The Ugly Duchess, coming out at the end of August. It looks amazing!


Dear Penelope,

Will you be attending any conferences this year? Are you doing any book-signings?

A Fan-Tastic

Dear Fantastic,

I am attending the NJRWA in October. I won't be at the book-signing, just schmoozing and...well, probably more schmoozing. I will also be at the NECRWA Conference this spring, and I will be signing all my books....Sweet Inspiration (which will be out in print for the first time), Sweet Magik, and hopefully Lucy the Wonder Weenie. I haven't decided if I will release Lumberjack in Love as a print book yet. Check back for that info.


Dear Penelope,

What do you think about R Patz and K Stew breaking up?


Dear Concerned, 

Is that some sort of new Jewish soup? Huh?


Dear Penelope,

What do you think about the latest Goodreads ruckus?

A Ruckus-Amuckus

Dear Ruckus,

Oh dear. Well, here we go.

1. If you create a social media site for readers, then it should be for readers.

2. If you change your mind and decide, "Hey! We could make some $$ by selling our site as a great promotional opportunity for authors. Let's do that!" you will probably piss off the readers.

3. When the readers get pissed that they are being bombarded by spammy authors, authors leaving snarky comments on their snarky reviews, and eventually being threatened all over the internet, it appears there might be a wee little problem with the "readers" site.

4. When you decide to "hide" certain reviews (that could be unfavorable to authors), you are no longer a reader social media site. You are now a tool for authors.

5. You can't be both. Pick one.

6. Message boards have moderators for a reason. If you choose not to moderate your reviews/comments section, and allow lawlessness to prevail (that makes Lord of the Flies look like a f*ckin' fashion show), then your site is no longer appealing to readers, authors, or aliens from Mars. NO ONE WANTS TO GO THERE.

7. Which is bad.

8. And then they'll probably go back to the Amazon romance message boards, where Amazon responds quickly and fairly to abuse complaints from both sides.

9. And then hell freezes over.

10. And then Penelope wonders what happened to the place where real readers could just hang out and chat about books? Instead of authors, reviewers, agents, editors, and publicists. Regular Joe Schmo Readers.

Wondering where it all went so very, very wrong,

Dear Penelope,

Who is your favorite bearded guy right now?

I Love Hairy

Dear I Love Hairy, Too,

Right now I am totally digging Zach Galifianakis from The Hangover. He was by far the funniest part of that movie, and his beard is fab. LOVE it!

And thus concludes our Dear Penelope column for today. If anyone has any other pressing questions, concerns, observations, fantasies, dreams, or awesome beardy dudes for me to check out, let me know.