Friday, December 2, 2011

Penny Wins The Lottery...Ding, Ding, Ding!

Stranger: Well, hello there!

Penny: Hello. Nice to meet you.

S: I just wanted to let you know that my book club has chosen your recent release, Sweet Magik, as our December reading selection.

P: Oh my goodness! Thanks so much. I am thrilled!

S: *snicker* We'll see about that.

P: What does that mean?

S: We're not just any old book club. We are a small, very select, very superior group of readers.

P: Uh....well....that's great. Good for you!

S: Very superior. As in....we know what kinds of literature are valuable, worth-while contributions to society, and which are trashy-ass pieces of shit, also known as..."bodice rippers."

P: *stunned* Um...I'm not sure I'm following your train of thought.

S: Don't strain your brain. Obviously, anyone who reads, writes and reviews copious romance novels is lacking in basic intellect. What I'm trying to tell you is....we hate bodice rippers and we like to crush them in our ratings and reviews. It's super fun.

P: Well, I didn't actually write a "bodice ripper".....bodice ripper is a term that refers to romantic fiction published in the 1980s, that featured forced seduction scenes....

S: Silence! I'm not interested in your pointless drivel, minion.

P: What's your name, Mister?

S: Snobby Asse. What's it to you?

P: Well, Mr. Snobby Asse, I can see how you find all this good, clean fun. Reading a genre you know nothing about, ripping the books to shreds, then snickering with your friends. What exactly constitutes "real" literature?

SA: I know you will find this difficult to believe....but there are actually many other types of reading materials available in the world. Ever read a textbook? *snicker*

P: Actually, I wrote a textbook.

SA: Huh? find that hard to believe. Let me college? Right? *brushes dust off of Harvard diploma*

P: Uh, wrong. Ivy League. Graduate degree.

SA: Bull shit! You can call me Doctor Snobby Asse from now on, Miss Penelope Romance Pants! Ever get published in a scientific journal? Do ground-breaking research?

P: Yep.

SA: *looks slightly frazzled* What the hell are you doing slumming with the bodice ripper crowd, you wack?

P: I love romance. I love reading romance. I love writing romance. I love talking about romance. And I love reviewing romance. As a genuine romance reviewer--someone who is well-read in all fields, and extremely well-versed in this genre, and reviews it within the context of which it was written. It's not a Shakespearean play, for Christ's sakes, and is not meant to be viewed as such. Romances are simply fiction that focus on a relationship as the basic story arc, its conflict and resolution, and finish with a happy ending. You do know that, Mr. Snobby Asse. Right?

SA: Of course! I know everything!

P: Do you also know the subtleties of all the sub-genres you are reading? Dark paranoramal? Light paranormal? Romantic suspense? Steampunk fantasty? Each sub-genre should be critiqued according to its own set of, the inclusion of horror, humor, etc. I'm sure you're totally up on all that stuff and how it applies to each unique sub-genre of romance. Excuse me, I mean bodice rippers.

SA: *sputters* You talk a big game, Penelope, but that stuff is still crap. No matter what fancy words you use to dress it up.

P: Hmm. I can think of a few things that are crap.

SA: Well, I think I've wasted enough time here. I need to spend some time reading books I hate so I can ding them in a public setting for the hilarity of myself and my superior friends. You know, real authors spend years of their lives doing research. You can't just write a book willy-nilly. For example, did you really go to Bavaria to research the Klaus family? I think not. *shakes head in a patronizing manner* I am soooooooo not impressed.

P: Um, Mr. Snobby Asse. I have something to tell you. But I don't think you're going to like it.

SA: Uh huh. What might that be, Inferior Girl?

P: Santa Claus, know....

SA: Spit it out, Smut Lover!

P: Santa isn't real.

SA: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P: I'm so sorry. My book is make-believe. Not real. I didn't do any research about the Klaus family because....well.....they only exist in my puny mind. Sweet Magik wasn't meant to be anything heavy or serious. Just a fun little romance ditty, with some tongue-in-cheek humor, celebrating the holiday season. Celebrating love, and family, and romance, and happy endings. I hope you have some fun, light-hearted plans for the holiday season. *ponders Mr. Snobby Asse* Um, has anyone ever told you that you look a little bit like Scrooge?

SA: Bah humbug! *storms off*

P: Oh, I feel sort of badly about that.

Old Man With Big White Beard: Well, hello Penelope. How are you?

P: Hi! Do I know you?

Old Man: I think so. Yes, Penelope, I think so. *scratches beard which Penelope eyes with great interest* So, Miss Lover of Bodice Rippers, what would you like for Christmas?

P: Hugh Jackman!

Old Man: I'll see what I can do.

Happy Christmas To All, And To All A Good-Night!



Unknown said...

LOL Fun way to start the day. :)

Steph from said...

off to Pilates but have to say I wrote about much the same thing today. Great minds and all.

Penny Watson said...

Thanks, Amber. :^)

Steph....I am off to read your blog....

Jen D. @ Not Now...I'm Reading! said...

You crack me up. Thanks for the laughs!

Steph from said...

Your book is perfect reading at this time of year. When it's dark outside and we are depressed because of the unrealistic expectations the holidays bring, a book like yours can provide enough endorphins to get me through another day!

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Dear P - I'll see what I can do about Hugh Jackman. I assume you want him with some scruff?
I'm off to read Steph's blog too - like you, she possesses a superior intellect.
Love this post, as you know!

KT Grant said...

That's showing them that Santa isn't real!

Santa isn't real *sob*

Penny Watson said...

Hi Jen! I like to fight evil with humor. It's the only way!

Penny Watson said...

Thanks, Steph! I'm wondering if any of the snobby book club will actually like my book...but I have a feeling I am about to be crushed like a bug. Ho ho hoooooooo!!!!!

Penny Watson said...

Kate.....if you believe, then Santa is real. I believe!

Penny Watson said...

Julia...forget about scruff. I want the full-on Wolfman beard. I wonder if Santa will be able to stuff him in my stocking?

Melissas Eclectic Bookshelf said...

Loved it! I for one consider myself a very well rounded reader and I can't wait to read your bodice rippers...errr...I mean ... books! lol

♥ Melissa @ Melissa's Eclectic Bookshelf

Penny Watson said...

Melissa...I must bodices were ripped in the making of the Klaus Brothers Series. Yet.

Unknown said...

Penny, you horrible purveyor of pleasurable reading material, I'm afraid you've earned this for your Christmas stocking:

A sorry, sad hunk of something


Penny Watson said...

Barbara....he looks so grumpy! Maybe he's on the naughty list....:^)

Steph from said...

A hunka hunk of birnin' love.

Steph from said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Penny Watson said...

Maybe I should have Hugh do a public service announcement about the importance of romance novels....!!!