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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Review of The Grey, a.k.a. THERE IS NO HOPE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE


Last night something exciting happened! My daughter went to a school dance with her friend, my son just got his new XBOX game and disappeared into the basement, and my husband and I had 2 WHOLE HOURS to ourselves!

Yippeeee!

So we decided to watch a movie together. The Grey starring Liam Neeson.

I choose this movie based on two vital bits of information...

1.) It stars Liam Neeson.

2.) It stars Liam Neeson with a beard.


So, we start watching. Right away I know we're in big trouble.

Hubby: I can't understand one word he's saying! He's mumbling! He's mumbling!

Me: I can sort of understand him. A little bit. Um, is this really slow and boring or what?

Hubby: He's mumbling!


The movie goes along. It's dark, dreary and depressing. But Penelope, being the eternal optimist, does not give up hope.

One by one, the survivors of the plane crash start dropping like flies.

Me: Is it me, or is this movie really slow and super depressing?

Hubby: There are a lot of interesting themes going on here.

Me: You mean like man vs. nature? Stuff like that?

Hubby: He's mumbling!


More people die. I notice that even though they're in the Arctic...

1. No one is wearing gloves.
2. No one is wearing a hat.
3. No one is wearing a coat.
4. Even though Liam Neeson somehow makes spears for everyone, they only have them in one scene and then they disappear and they have no weapons for the rest of the movie.
5. After they fall in the freezing cold water, which of course would mean INSTANT death, Liam Neeson gets up and keeps going. Like the terminator. O-kay.

And then...

Everyone dies.

It would have saved me 117 minutes to have this forewarning at the beginning of the film...

EVERYONE DIES. THERE IS NO HOPE. THERE IS NO GOD. THERE IS NO FAITH. EVEN IF YOU LOOK BAD-ASS IN A BEARD, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

After ruminating about this film for a while, and attempting to come up with meaningful themes, my husband finally conceded (God bless his heart)..."This movie was totally pointless."

Hee hee!

But Penelope, because she has read 10,316 romance novels and has the heart and soul of an optimist and believes in the HEA, came up with this conclusion...

"Well, it's true that the movie seemed to indicate that death is bad, life is bad, wolves are bad, and there is no hope. BUT...if you're a wolf, that movie totally has a HEA! Because the wolves win! They kill all the stupid humans, they get some yummy snacks, and they totally kick ass! If this movie was being marketed to a wolf pack, it would say something like this...

A feel-good movie for the whole family!"




My husband said "I love you."

The End

Have a happy weekend!

Awwww-oooooooo!!!!! (that's my wolf howl)

Penelope

24 comments:

Geek Amicus said...

What would have been really great, if, when the wolves were circling them in the dark (and I can only assume they did, I have an aversion to pointless, depressing movies so didn't see this one) Liam turns to them and says "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for wolves like you. If you let us go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. "

Just sayin'.

Penelope said...

HAAAAAAAA! Geek, I love you, man! I can't stop laughing.

Blodeuedd said...

wtf? Ok will not watch it

Lori said...

Hahaha! We watched it about 3 weeks ago (when Taken wasn't on the freebie list) and had the exact same experience as you!

And because we decided to pay for Taken last weekend, I even understood Geek's comment :)

Lori said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Penelope said...

Blodeuedd...Unless you like super depressing movies with not one glimmer of hope for humanity, I would skip this one.

Penelope said...

Lori...Taken looks totally asinine to me. Skipping that one.

Tasha B. said...

lol He's dressed like how I dress when it's 50 degrees out. But maybe his magical beard keeps him warm?

Penelope said...

All of his exposed fingers and his nose would have fallen off in about 10 seconds. Even a Hollywood actor doesn't look so great when he's missing a nose and his fingers. (Not even a magical beard can save that shizz).

Julia Barrett said...

Go wolves! I'm all for wolves! Although I refuse to watch this movie because wolves do not attack humans unless they are threatened. Humans are not a wolf's usual prey.
Yeah, figured the movie would suck. However I have heard Taken 2 isn't half bad.
I do love your husband's comments. Don't you just hate it when events are supposed to be happening in the cold and you don't even see frost when a character breathes?
This is why I love Outlander - it's really cold and there is really frost!

Julia Barrett said...

Geek Amicus - You have a new fan!

Margaret Yang said...

Two words: closed captions. I can turn them on with one click on my DVD remote control. I love that thing. Are people mumbling? Captions. Do they have accents? Captions. Do they talk too fast? Captions. It's saved otherwise unwatchable movies for me.

The Grey was a stinko movie, but at least I caught all the dumb dialog.

Tom Stronach said...

Oh Penny, forgive me, Oh please forgive me. Ishbel and I went to see this in the cinema, I mean Liam Neason, right it can't be a bad movie right, ,,,,,,,,,

And then I didn't put a review up saying that after paying £20 for tickets that (and I've commented elsewhere that as a heavy smoker I CAN LAST FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS AT THE CINEMA, I CAN...) but I had at least two fag breaks on this one what a boring tedious waste of time .......

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry sorry sorry

Xxxxx

Tom Stronach said...

Btw Ishbel enjoyed it

See- Ying and Yang But I worry about her sometimes

Penelope said...

Julia...Geek is hilarious!

Oh my goodness, this movie would have driven you nuts. None of it made any sense, including why they thought no one would be looking for them? So they should leave the plane? Seriously? Ugh!

Penelope said...

Hi Margaret! Closed caption is a good idea, but it distracts me. My daughter keeps using that "switch to Spanish" button and it's also driving me crazy! All the dialogue is in Spanish, and I don't understand it. :^)

Penelope said...

Tom...yes! Boring and tedious. I totally agree. Ishbel must REALLY like Liam Neeson!

Nico Jaye said...

This movie made me want to curl up into the fetal position and rock myself better. Or rage against the universe to get those 2 hours of my life back. Roar.

Penelope said...

Nico...This would also be a good forewarning at the beginning of the movie...

DEAR VIEWER, YOU MAY WANT TO CURL UP IN THE FETAL POSITION NOW TO SAVE YOURSELF TIME LATER.

THANK YOU

KB/KT Grant said...

Liam's beard had enough heat to warm them all. No explanation necessary.

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

ugh, I'll stay away from this one!

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

PS, I do find him very mumbly at times.

Penelope said...

KT--Not even Liam's beard could save that film. All the guys had beards. And I didn't even care. That's how depressing this movie was.

Penelope said...

HMCW--The beginning of the movie was really slow and weird and it was hard to understand his dialogue. My hubs was irritated! hee hee!