Friday, June 7, 2013

Friday Medical Update



Patient: Penny Watson

Lungs: Bronchitis, severe cough. Sounds suspiciously like a seal barking. Or a walrus mating.

Back: Shingles. Symptoms include feeling like sharp ragged chunks of glass are stabbing her back. Patient intermittently cries out "Ow!" OH MY GOD!" and "Help me!" (Doctor's note: amusing).

Head: Large crusty patch of poison ivy on back of scalp. Extremely disgusting and off-putting.

Brain: Mentally incapacitated by numerous asinine physical ailments.

Mental State: Not "playing with a full deck" if you get my meaning.

Diagnosis: 85-year old woman trapped in a 46-year old woman's body.

Treatment: Vodka, watching horror movies on the syfy channel, and snuggling with weenie dog.

Concern: I'm worried body parts may start falling off, signalling the commencement of the zombie apocalypse.



Here's hoping that everyone has a healthy weekend! (Ow! OH MY GOD! Help me!)
Penelope



21 comments:

Tom Stronach said...

Shit, and I thought I had problems with my cancer. Get those vodka martinis down your throat and feel better xxxxxx

Penelope said...

Oh Tom! You have the best attitude. Feisty and funny. I need to keep up with you!

Off to the pharmacy to get my poison ivy medicine to slather all over my head! ;^)

Pamela said...

Oh no! hope you feel better soon!! :)

Geekamicus said...

Don't worry about the parts falling off. You won't lose them. I'll have my husband tell yours where he got a great deal on the wheelbarrow he follows me around with. Just flip the loose bits in there and tape/staple them back on as time permits. I'm told you can hardly tell.

Penelope said...

Thanks, Pam! I am having a beer right now and that's making me feel slightly better! :^)

Penelope said...

Geek--I need duct tape. Stat!

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

How did you get poison ivy on just your head?

Tasha B. said...

That sounds miserable! You need a hot toddy or five.

Scarlett Parrish said...

There's nothing else for it. The only solution is amputation.

Of your head.

Amber Skyze said...

If body parts start falling off grab the duct tape! Hope you feel better soon. :)

Penelope said...

HMCW--Hi! I think I got PI on my chair when I was watching Natty's soccer game, then I leaned back on the chair and got it all over the back of my head.

*scratch, scratch, scratch*

Penelope said...

Tasha...I need five.

Penelope said...

Scarlett--Maybe one of those alien pod people in Invasion of the Bodysnatchers can replace my old, haggard body with a brand new one! that would be good.

Penelope said...

Thanks, Amber. We have a lot of "decorative" duct tape because Natty collects it. Hee hee!

Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com said...

Y'all are married to a doctor right? 1. Call a nanny type person (Nannys R Us) and 2. Have husband prescribe powerful coma-inducing meds (IE Vodka or IV Vodka). Nanny cares for kiddlies while drugs get you through worst symptoms.

Penelope said...

Hi Steph! My hubby thinks I passed a kidney stone this week. Yipppeeeeeee!!!!

*Penny swigs vodka*

Jessi said...

Oh dear. So sorry! Here's hoping this bout of ailments will do you for the next dozen years or so!

Penelope said...

Thanks, Jessi. I hope so, too!

Juju at Tales of Whimsy.com said...

Oh my NO! Shingles? That's not right. I hope you're better soon.

Handy Man, Crafty Woman said...

I got poison ivy once. I was misearable, it lasted so long.

Hate having a lot of sickness/ailments at once. Feel better soon. You'd better lay down and read a lot in order to recover!

Penelope said...

Thanks Juju and HMCW! I am feeling much better. Yippeeeeee!!!!!