Friday, January 25, 2013

Weenies In A Plaid Shirt: Disturbing Trends In "Lumberjack" Culture


I would like to take this opportunity to discuss an issue that has been troubling me lately.

The disturbing alteration of the "lumberjack" concept.

What started as a bad-ass jumbo Paul Bunyan with an axe has somehow morphed into the most alarming watered-down and ill-conceived fashion statement...

The Hipster Lumberjack.

Two words that should NEVER be combined. Hipster. And lumberjack.

How did this happen? I don't know, but lumberjacks everywhere must be extremely upset.

I know I am!

Let's break it down, using "The Hipster Lumberjack" from the Nordic Store...




1. He's wearing...he's wearing...*gulp*...a cardigan sweater. Not just any old cardigan sweater, but a shawl-collared cardigan.

Um. No. Lumberjacks + Cardigans = Don't Happen In This Universe. Ever.


2. His plaid shirt is BUTTONED UP TO THE TOP BUTTON.


3. His beard is groomed.


4. His hair has "product" in it. OH MY GOD!


5. He has a "sensitive, emo" look about him. Like he's thinking about his latest knitting project. And kittens.


6. Lumberjack Hipsters often wear funky glasses. Thick, dorky glasses for purely decorative purposes.


7. They also wear...skinny jeans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Somewhere in Alaska, a lumberjack just snorted so hard he caused a small earthquake.)


8. Many own cats. And snuggle with them.


9. They are super skinny, and look like a strong wind will blow them over. Into the nearest Starbucks.


10. They like to wear knit caps. Even in the summer.


A real lumberjack...

* Does not wear a god-damned cardigan sweater. Or buttoned up shirt. He wears Carhartt pants and long-underwear and a Carhartt jacket. He wears protective goggles not "decorative eyewear" and he wears a knit cap because if he didn't, he'd get frost-bite on his ears and they would fall into the wood chip pile.

* Does not have gel in his freakin' hair, or a twirly mustache or long-ass sideburns. He has a big mother-effin' beard that harbors small animals during hibernation season. It doubles as a scarf for insulation purposes.

* There is no such thing as an "emo" lumberjack. A real lumberjack doesn't have pet kittens or a knitting project. His hobbies include drinking, smoking cigars, and possibly more drinking.

* Is not skinny. He is big and beefy and bulky and massive. And he could crush emo Hipster Lumberjack with his little beefy pinky finger.


Let's just say that if we staged a celebrity death match between Hipster Lumberjack and Paul Bunyan, Paul would snap little Hipster dude in half in under 3.4 seconds. And then go out and chop down a couple of acres of forest. All without breaking a sweat.





For the record, I approve of "Wolverine-Style Lumberjack" compliments of Hugh Jackman. Plaid shirt (not buttoned up to the top), axe, killer beard, massive body, looks like he wants to hurt something. No kittens anywhere.

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!

Concerned,
Penelope

P.S. For some very amusing "urban woodsman" aka hipster lumberjack fashions, please check out this linkie at GQ, for the Junya Watanabe fashion show from January 2011. Photos by Yannis Vlamos, including the one at the top of the post. Yipppeeeeee!

27 comments:

Carolyn Crane said...

poor, poor baby! Cover your eyes against the hipster lumberjack!! Great post! lol.

Juju at Tales of Whimsy.com said...

OMG A-FREAKIN-MEN!
You have just voiced something that bugs the sh*t out of me and my hubs.
I am SO sending him a link to your post.
He's just as you described (minus the giant beard - his is more scraggly and short) and he keeps complaining that hipsters are going to ruin plaid.
I remind him not to worry it's a passing phase.

Penelope said...

Carolyn--It's very disturbing. I may never recover.

Penelope said...

Juju...Yes! Hipsters are going to ruin plaid! Damn them!

Your hubby sounds awesome. :^)

KB/KT Grant said...

OMG I died over the emo lumberjack. They don't have pet kittens. LOLOLOLOL

Teri Biebel said...

Flipping hysterical!! Trying to picture lumberjacks with kittens. That sounds like a good name for my next blog. ;)

Deni Lyn said...

Loved it! Hilarious.

Lindsay S said...

Don't worry about the Hipsters. Lumberjacks are the new zombies and Hipsters abhor anything "trendy." Thanks, as always, for the Hugh Jackman pic. Sigh.

Julia Barrett said...

Skinny jeans and lumberjacks... ew. Just ew. I can't think of anything less sexy and less manly.
See what you did? See the trend you started? You and your lumberjack romance?
I do agree with Lindsay - Hugh Jackman... sigh.

Penelope said...

KB--Have you ever seen Lumberjack Erotica on Tumblr? They always have emo shots of lumberjack hipsters.

Penelope said...

Hi Teri! Somewhere is a blog that specializes in pics of beardy guys with their kittens. Most of the guys have plaid shirts, tats, and huge beards. And wee little kittens. ;^)

Penelope said...

Thanks Deni Lyn! Glad you stopped by. :^)

Penelope said...

Hi Lindsay...I hope you're right. Then hipsters will move on to something else...hipster New Jersey Housewives? Or something?

Penelope said...

Julia--that's it! Skinny jeans are not manly. And lumberjacks should be manly.

Tasha B. said...

LOL Well I kind of thought emo lumberjack was cute but you're right, he's not a real lumberjack.

Penelope said...

Tasha! Never say so! Emo lumberjack's idea of "roughing" it is drinking decaf at Starbucks. Come on! REAL LUMBERJACKS OR BUST, BABY!

Tom Stronach said...

And he looks like Ewan MacGregor, Oh dear...

Penny I feel for you, BUT I am glad this trend is happening BUT only because you bring so much joy and laughter to our lives with your spirited defence of PROPER LUMBERJACKS

We salute and commend your cause to the floor for general approval

JenM said...

That poor boy in the first pic doesn't look like he can even pick up an axe, let alone swing one. Where's the fun in that? I can't even imagine him all sweaty with his shirt off.

Penelope said...

Tom...I'm president of the National Manly Lumberjack Committee. I get to wear my tiara and everything.

Penelope said...

Jen....haaaaaaaa! I know! He's a twig! Ack!

Jessi said...

I am appalled. APPALLED! You're right. This is indeed a disturbing trend. Something must be done to stop the hipster lumberjack...like laying kitten baited traps for them at local internet cafes.

angelaquarles.com said...

My eyes, my eyes!!! Just stop it now! (but thank you for ameliorating my eyes with the lovely Jackman pic)

This is so not good...

Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com said...

Sorry, Hugh is actually quite thin, and there's gel in that thar hair.

On the other hand I have been disturbed by the dilution in the lumberjack mystique at LLBEAN of all places. The tried to introduce a line over the past two years with stacked heal Bean Boot, Orange and Grey plaid shirt dresses and other truly appalling fashion statements.

Penelope said...

Jessi...baited kitten traps? You are diabolical. Love that idea!

Penelope said...

Angela...did you look at the link, too. You should see some of the other outfits. OH MY GOD! They will make you laugh your arse off.

Penelope said...

LL Bean at least tries with their male models. They still don't look lumberjackish, but at least they aren't wearing skinny jeans.

Plaid shirt dresses? Uh oh.

Shirra said...

OMG! Hipster lumberjacks are just so wrong. I think I can forgive some knitting if said lumberjack was super burly and knit things to keep his bits from falling off. He could lose his hat, after all, and need a replacement, yet be unable to reach civilization to purchase one.