Does Your Website Suck? Fix It!

I spend a lot of time looking at author websites. I must say, I am constantly amazed by how many are lacking even the basic necessities--can you say BOOK heading? So, here without further ado, are Penelope's suggestions for putting together a rockin' website. And what to do if your site sucks. Fix it, baby!


1.) If you are an author, there is really only ONE heading that matters. That would be BOOKS. If you don't have the heading BOOKS on your website, for the love of God, put one up. I don't care if you write paranormal, historical and contemporary series and have sub-headings for all of your different lines. You still need ONE HEADING THAT SAYS BOOKS! A master bibliography with all your titles, all LINKED to other pages on your site.

2.) If you write sweet, rated-G Amish romances, don't put pictures of naked guys on your homepage. If you write dark romantic suspense, don't put unicorns and sparkly rainbows on your homepage. And, no matter what you write, please don't put naked pictures of yourself on your homepage. Please. I'm begging you.

3.) Take it easy with the bells and whistles. No music. No hearts floating down the screen. No pop-ups. Keep it clean, simple and easy to navigate. All that fancy stuff takes too long to load and most people get impatient.

4.) If your website looks amateurish and tacky and unprofessional, YOU look amateurish and tacky and unprofessional. Your website IS YOU ONLINE. Make it count. If it looks polished and professional, so do you. Word.

5.) Too much text is bad. People get turned off when they see 10,000 words of text on your homepage. Too many graphics are bad. It's over-stimulating and too crowded and messy. Have a nice balance of text and visuals. Keep it simple. Draw people in with cool graphics.

6.) Next to BOOKS, most important heading is BIO. Tell us something cool about you. Were you an opera singer? A penguin trainer? Do you like knitting, gardening, traveling to Costa Rica? Be sure to include hobbies that establish commonality with your readers (Hey, Nora likes knitting! So do I!), as well as quirky or eccentric tidbits that make you pop (Hey, JR Ward was a contortionist at the circus!). Stuff like that. There is nothing wrong with branding yourself as the "Opera Singer/Romance Writer"--that would be Mia Marlowe, by the way. Makes you unforgettable, and totally cool in my opinion.

7.) Think about the language you use to describe yourself and your work. "Filth" and "smut" sound like  pornography. "Sexy," "edgy," "erotic" sound better. Be thoughtful of your word choice. You want to be respectful of your genre and your readers.

8.) Here's what you need to include about your books. Book Cover--need to establish cover recognition. Book Blurb--so we can decide if this book is our cup of tea. An Excerpt--this is super important if you are a debut author. I won't even consider buying a book from a new writer unless I can see a sample of her writing. Reviews--snippets and links. Did someone I respect read your book and like it? Purchase Link--everywhere it's available for purchase.

9.) Go ahead and include other stuff...just don't overdo it. If you write historicals, include facts about Regency England. If you write steampunk, include fun photos of make-believe steampunk inventions. There's nothing wrong with making your website entertaining, just don't forget that the main focus needs to be on BOOKS.

10.) A website is basically a static on-line reference (as opposed to a blog, which is a high maintenance interactive, dynamic site)...but you still need to keep it updated. Make sure your website has the most up-to-date info about your book releases, purchase links, appearances, etc. A website that has cobwebs growing on it looks neglected, and reflects poorly on you. Don't do it.


Some bitchin' author websites and some less than stellar sites....

Mia Marlowe-- It's gorgeous! Beautiful lay-out, color and design. Easy to navigate. First heading is BOOKS--Yay! Cool extra: Mia's opera singer photo. Just doesn't get any better than this.

Julie Garwood-- Weird gimmicky thing with the office--gives me motion sickness. And I hate the creepy noises, too.  But I love the master list of books.

Kresley Cole -- Nice clean design, easy to navigate.

Christine Feehan-- Way too busy. Totally overwhelming design. No single book heading. Gives me a migraine just looking at it.

Amanda Quick-- A little too busy, but she does have a master bibliography, which is critical for this prolific writer.

Gail Carriger-- Does not have a "book" heading...it's on the side bar, but still! Should be first thing on the top of the homepage. Bonus: the steampunk page kicks ass.

Cara McKenna-- I love the graphics, I love the tagline (Red-Hot Romance, Smart Erotica), it's simple and clean, and very modern and fresh-looking.


Book bloggers...other suggestions? Things that drive you nuts? That you love? Any author websites you think are spot-on or totally missing the mark? Let me know!

Penelope

Book Giveaway and Interview at The Quirky Ladies

Please stop by The Quirky Ladies today and visit with NECRWA author Ella Drake. We are discussing kick-ass sci fi heroines (go, Ripley!), magical beanstalks, and sci/fi romance. We are also giving away a free copy of Jaq's Harp to one lucky commenter. (See my review here).

Hope everyone is surviving school vacation week. My daughter is painting watercolor butterflies (I guess she is jonesing for spring just like her mama), my son is logging in many, many hours of Call Of Duty (or "COD" as it is affectionately known at our house), and I am trying to sneak in some reading.

Ciao!
Penelope

Review of Pushing Her Boundaries by Julia Rachel Barrett

Pushing Her Boundaries by Julia Rachel Barrett

One of my favorite blog posts last year was Julia Barrett's harrowing account of her Canoe Trip From Hell. Although the trip was at times frightening and frustrating beyond belief, Julia's fabulous sense of humor kept rearing its head and made me laugh out loud while reading this bizarre tale.

When I heard Julia had penned an erotic story using this experience as inspiration, I couldn't wait to read it. I thoroughly enjoyed this story, but it surprised me. It was only loosely based on her experience, and the conflict and resolution between the hero and heroine were quite different from the experience she had with her husband. The truth is, I suspect, Julia realized the severity of this situation would be a perfect back-drop for two people just getting to know each other...just beginning to fall in love. Nothing will reveal your true nature quite like a near-death experience. The harsh and unforgiving circumstances of this canoe trip show what Mace and Maggie are made of.

The heroine is much like Julia....smart, resourceful, determined. In spite of her anger at the horribly incompetent guides, she pulls herself together to survive. And she learns to depend on Mace, who is a fabulous hero. Even though he isn't as aware of his surroundings as Maggie, his protective streak is huge. Mace earns Maggie's trust, and eventually her love. It's very romantic! (Even with the cougar and beavers and moose and ice storms and choppy waves threatening to capsize their canoe, etc etc--You get the idea! It's a wilderness adventure!).

Pushing Her Boundaries has likable, complex characters, sexy chemistry, and fascinating details about wildlife and camping. I'm a luxury hotel-gal myself, so I found the whole thing incredible....especially the fact that people actually choose to go on a trip like this when there are perfectly good cabins available in the woods, with running water, electricity, and take-out pizza joints nearby.

My only disappointment with the book was the ending. It needed more. The emotional resolution was too fast, and the wrap-up of the storyline was not as satisfying as the true-life story. In real life, Julia and her husband survived their ordeal, and in their own way, let Mr. and Mrs. Bob know how awful and incompetent they were. In the fictional account, we only hear about Mr. and Mrs. Bob from a third party...not nearly as satisfying. I really wanted Mace and Maggie to get a chance to let them have it! (I'm a blood-thirsty gal, evidently).

Overall, I thought this was a great read. Maggie and Mace's love developed very believably and was sexy and romantic. My two conclusions after reading this book....

1) Will be reading more stories by Julia Barrett....she's a great writer. And.....

2) Never, ever go camping. Ever. Never.

(Unfortunately, I also watched the movie Anaconda this weekend on the SyFy Channel. My interest in spending any overnight time in the woods/jungle/natural habitats has pretty much fallen to zero.)

Grade: A-/B+

So happy my husband doesn't like camping either,

Penelope

Monday Morning Update: Promo Fun, Wildernessy Reading, and Winter Vacation

It's winter vacation! (Hack, hack, cough, sneeze...oh joyful days stuck in the house while it's snowing outside and my kids are both sick as dogs).

Plan for the week: consume lots of OJ, log in many hours of Call of Duty, and schedule ear-piercing at the mall for my 8 year old daughter. (This is attempt #2 since she lost her nerve the first time).

Yesterday's talk at the NEC meeting was a blast. I had a great time chatting with all the wonderful members of the New England chapter about self-promotion. Unfortunately, I only got through half my material...whoops! I probably could have gone on and on for hours until everyone shrivelled up from dehydration and begged me to stop. Hee hee!

On the reading front: I am in the midst of a wildnerness reading frenzy. Not on purpose, it was just a coincidence. I finished Julia Rachel Barrett's newest book, Pushing Her Boundaries, and I loved it! (A- read). Review coming soon. It was inspired by Julia's camping trip from hell, and it has a very suspenseful storyline involving storms, and canoes, and cougars....wildernessy!

Also on the wildernessy front (do you like how I just made up a new word? heh heh).....I got an ARC at the meeting yesterday and decided to dive right into Meg Maguire's Caught on Camera. It's about a wilderness survival television star and his trusty PA. First of all, the cover is so hilarious, I can't believe it! "This show is getting x-rated" on the front cover. The camera strategically placed over the dude's crotch. And best of all, the male model's impish and naughty facial expression. In addition to all of this deliciousness, the book is excellent. My first read by this author, and I am loving it. Review to follow when I finish!

Hope everyone has a great week!
Penelope

Penny's Plethora Of Promotional Proverbs

I'm giving a talk today at Brandeis University, for the New England Chapter of the RWA.  It has two titles (because 2 are better than 1)....

1.) Self-Promotion is Not A Dirty Word, and....
2.) Penny's Plethora of Promotional Proverbs (because I really, really like alliteration).

Anyhoo, if you are interested in chatting about websites, ads, virtual tours, social media, bearded men, book-signings, and how to win an Olympic gold medal in self-promotion (I have one...I'll be telling the story of how I earned this prestigious award at the meeting), then please stop by.

It's at 1:00 at the Olin-Sang Auditorium. Here's the link for meeting info and directions.

Hope to see some of you there!
Penelope

Just Say No To Unicorns

I swear I wasn't trying to find another kooky book.

I was just minding my own business, perusing the Ellora's Cave site, when I saw a nice-looking book (well, okay, the cover has a woman with a black thong and a cat tattoo) that I thought looked appealing. Pussyfooting Around by Ashley Ladd. The blurb looked good....a cat is transformed into a human and has six months to earn her master's love. Cute idea, right?

Well, the story started out well enough. I liked it. It was heading for a good, solid 4-star review. And then...and then....

And then, at the critical climax of the story, when the cat/woman is hauled away by the evil INS agents, the hero decides to....

....visit a wack-o doctor who induces a past-life regression, where he talks to a unicorn.

Sigh.

I didn't see that one coming. At all. And the book pretty much took a nose-dive from there. Too bad.

Note to all romance/erotica writers: When in doubt, don't add a unicorn into your book to tie up the storyline. Just say no to unicorns. Seriously.


Making a pledge to only read books that do not have fantastical horned creatures for the rest of vacation week,
Penelope

Beard of the Day

Ken!

Look who I found in the massive Barbie room at Toys R Us in New York City! Shaving Fun Ken!

Yep, it's Barbie's ex-boyfriend, Ken. Plastic, anatomically (sort of) correct, dirty blond, and now sporting a nice scruffy beard. This lovely kit comes with a razor, assorted shaving accessories, and a towel. You rub Ken's stylin' stache and beard with warm water and the facial hair disappears. Bummer. Keep that water away, Ken! You're looking fine.

Here's a commercial for the hunky dude.

Hope everyone has a Barbie-licious weekend,
Penelope

P.S. By the way, I'm speaking at Sunday's NECRWA meeting, about self-promotion and social networking for romance writers. It's at 1:00 at Brandeis University...hope to see some of you there!

Context Is Everything

I have been thinking about grading scales lately.

About how some folks consider a 3-star rating "good" (which, technically, it is on Goodreads) and some folks (authors) who receive a 3 star rating want to fling their bodies off a bridge.

I tend to be an easy grader. If I like a book, I give it 4 or 5 stars. No fudging around. It's good, and I'm recommending it. According to my scale....

A= 5 stars
B= 4 stars
C= 3 stars
D= 2 stars
F= 1 star

3 stars is mediocre, not a great book. That's a C rating for me.

This is NOT the scale used at Goodreads, where....

1 star= didn't like it
2 stars= it was OK
3 stars= liked it
4 stars= really like it
5 stars= it was amazing

How the hell did Goodreads come up with this scale? I have no idea. No where else is an average rating considered "good"...which is the equivalent of "liked it" in my opinion.

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. Which is context. I do not grade a book by a debut author in the same way that I grade a book by Nora Roberts. I also do not grade a quickie erotica book in the same way I grade a full-length historical. Why?

Consider this analogy. You're a food critic. One day you go to a diner, the next to a chi-chi French gourmet restaurant. You have to grade the food. Well, food is food, right? Your grading scale should be based on taste. The same criteria apply to both places.

Bull pucky.

This makes no logical sense. A diner serves greasy, fattening comfort food. Large quantities of it. A French gourmet restaurant serves tiny portions of artistically arranged food, using more unusual and sophisticated ingredients. Food is not food. Your expectations at the French restaurant are completely different than at the diner. If the French restaurant served you a big ass bowl of macaroni and cheese, they would probably get a 1-star rating (whereas that same food could earn the diner a 5 star rating if the mac was tasty!). Likewise, if a diner served 3 sprigs of arugula on a plate you would be outraged and demand your money back.

Context is everything.

A quickie erotica should be sexy and satisfying. I'm not looking for in-depth character development in a 20 page story. But I expect the sex scenes to be entertaining and not repetitive. A full-length historical by Eloisa James has a different set of expectations. I am looking for fully formed, flawed characters, a satisfying storyline, luscious sex scenes, and an intense and emotional romance. A debut author with a small publisher? Can she write, is the story cohesive, satisfying, entertaining? I don't expect a contemporary to have the same world-building details as a sci fi romance, or a fantasy/UF to have the same level of spice as an erotica. Each sub-genre has its own set of expectations.

Context is everything.

So, my 5-star rating for a debut author doesn't necessarily mean the same thing as a 5-star rating for Julia Quinn. Nor should it. I don't expect a newbie writer to have the same level of mastery of fiction-writing as Julia Quinn.

Some folks will disagree with me (oh, the horror!)....but this is my not-so-humble opinion about reviewing.

Luckily for me, I like macaroni and cheese, and arugula salad. Each has its merits and drawbacks, but I can appreciate both when they are done well.

Appreciating the vast diversity of the romance genre,

Penelope

Penelope's Observations, Irritations, and Revelations about NYC

I'm back from NYC! Had a fabulous time visiting with my sis, made some new friends, saw some old friends, and got a whole lotta doxie love!

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Here are some observations about the Big Apple....

1.) A lot of furry animals died to keep the women of Manhattan warm at winter time. Seriously, I cannot believe how many fur coats I saw. (Where's a pail of fake blood when you need one?)

2.) Someone forgot to tell New Yorkers that smoking causes lung cancer.

3.) When you go to purchase tickets for the Top of the Rock and you ask the clerk if the view is clear, and she says "On a scale of 1-5, it's a five!"...don't believe her. It's cloudy as sh*t and you can't see a damned thing.

4.) French Bull Dogs snort and purr like a kitty when you rub their bellies.

5.) French Chocolate Shops + Day Before Valentine's Day = 1 pce. candy costs $15. Ha ha haa...holy crap, you gotta be kidding me.

6.) Had the best cup of coffee in my life at Gaby Restaurant at the Sofitel Hotel on W. 44th Street.

7.) The handlers and dog-owners at Westminster are fantastic. Friendly, talkative, lovely people.

8.) The dogs at Westminster are incredibly good sports. After primping, polishing, showing, dealing with a lot of stressful travel and the anxiety of the competition, they are wagging their tails and ready for a snuggle with everyone. I could just eat them up! (Or pop one in my tote bag and run away!).

9.) The live butterfly exhibit at the Natural History Museum is exquisite. It will blow you away!

10.) There is such incredible energy, color and life in China Town and Time Square. My kids were spell-bound. (Except when a gigantic freakin' rat ran across my husband's shoe...hee hee...how gross is that?).

Butterfly at the American Museum of Natural History

Matching beards....excellent!

Topiary bushes competing.

Long-haired doxies, looking so fine.

 Weenies all in a row.

Wire-haired doxies in action.

Borzoi...fiercely loyal dog found in Christine Feehan's Dark Symphony. Check out Penelope's review.

Chewie, a small bundle of wire-haired love.

See more photos at The Quirky Ladies!

Love, 

Penelope

Happy Valentine's Day from Penelope!

Happy Valentine's Day To All!

Beard of the Day

Ha ha! The only beard that counts this week! The sweet, lovable whiskers on a wirehaired doxie.

I will be gone from Saturday-Tuesday for my trip to NYC to see the Westminster Dog Show. Hope everyone has a great weekend and a festive Valentine's Day. I will try to check in via Twitter if possible.

Super quickie reading update: I read the crazy Orca shapeshifter book, The Orca King by D. Foster. It wasn't half bad (B-)...I enjoyed the Native American stuff, the interracial lovin' angle, and the legend was sort of sweet. The yucky flash-back at the end was a downer, but other than that, it was pretty decent. That'll teach me to make fun of funky Orca shapeshifting books. Bring on the gingerbread shapeshifter! I am sooooo ready for that one! Ha!

Ready for The Big Apple, and A Posse of Barking, Swaggering Weenie Dogs,
Penelope

Countdown to Valentine Weenie Dog Extravaganza

I am so excited for my trip to New York to see the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, I am practically hyperventilating. My daughter (8 years old and ready to rock-n-roll) and I are attending this sacred event at Madison Square Garden on Valentine's Day. Today I am getting ready by (1) looking for clothes w/ weenie dogs, and (2) looking for jewelry with weenie dogs. And, I guess I'll confirm train tickets and stuff like that, too.

For some inexplicable reason, the topiary bushes I mean poodles, always seem to final in the Best In Show event. A dachshund has never won Westminster. This is a travesty against weenie dogs world-wide. I am considering picketing the front of the show with a huge sign that says STOP THE MADNESS WEENIE DOGS MUST WIN WESTMINSTER TOPIARY BUSHES GO HOME.

I'm not sure if my daughter will be on board with this plan or not. If I promise her a new American Girl doll, she will probably join me.

Happy Day,
Penelope

Review of The Princess and The Penis by RJ Silver

The Princess and The Penis by RJ Silver


After reading about 14,952 romance novels, a few things become clear. No matter what the story is about--a duke, a werewolf, a football player, a Carpathian vampire, a steampunky swashbuckler, a baker, a lawyer, a candlestick maker, or even an Orca shapeshifter--the real star of the show is actually...the penis. Yes, this is in fact true. It gets tons of attention, pages and pages of highly detailed description, and often saves the day.

If you have one male hero and one female heroine, then the star is one penis. If you have a slash novel (M/M), then you've got two. If you have a kinky erotica, there could be dozens, God help us. And if you have an alien or animal breed or whatever, you might find barbs or double-headed monsters, etc etc. The sky is really the limit. And by the end of the book, you've become intimately familiar with this star...its shape, size, texture, taste and performance ability.

Now imagine that you want to write a satire about romance. Why not eliminate the middle man and get right down to business? Just make the "hero" a penis. A big ole penis who romances a princess.

Well, hell...that is the most freakin' brilliant, clever, witty, and quirky premise for a story I've read in a very long time.

Not only has RJ Silver (who is a man, by the way) come up with a fabulous premise for this story, he has executed it perfectly. This book has everything...awesome cover art (look at her face! hee hee), snappy dialogue, a kind-hearted princess who loves to cuddle her new best bud just like her pet ferret, a flabbergasted king and queen who are stymied by their daughter's new "friend," an evil underendowed villain, great sidekicks (the aunties) for even more comedic relief, and finally, a true hero....a giant penis who has been bewitched, and only a kiss can set him free. (And yes, the princess gives the giant penis a kiss! Naughty, naughty girl!).

I'm not sure what RJ Silver has in mind for an encore, but I, for one, will be reading it.

Grade: A

Delighted with this wickedly delicious satire,
Penelope

P.S. Right now the story is available for free at Goodreads!

ETA: Here is the link to RJ's website...he is hilarious...check it out!

Teaser Tuesday

After a long, dry spell (six months--since my heart attack), I finally starting writing again. Yesterday I cranked out 1070 words on a new story....a "botanical" paranormal called L'Araldo di Primavera (The Herald of Spring). 


Here's a quickie teaser...hope you like it!

Twenty years ago....

            When Flora LaGuarda was five years old, she discovered an overgrown, weed-infested garden hidden behind her Papa's tool shed. A rusty gate creaked open as she approached, which she found quite welcoming and polite. Vines of bittersweet tugged at her anklets and milkweed pods exploded, showering her with silky fluff. She touched a thorny rose, and all at once the baby buds swelled, then burst, releasing a heady fragrance. Within seconds magenta blooms weighed heavily on the bush, the lush flower heads nodding in the sunshine. Flora turned to find Papa behind her, leaning thoughtfully on a rake.

            "Hmm," he said.

            "Hmm," she replied.

            He pulled off his faded Red Sox cap and scratched the small scrub of hairs on the top of his head. "Well, looks like you got a green thumb, Flora LaGuarda. Just like your Grandma." He slapped the hat across one thigh, dislodging a cloud of dust, then set it back on his head and nodded to her. "Time for lunch."

            Flora ran out of the garden, leaving a path of lush green growth in her wake. The gate banged shut behind her, and a clump of moss fell from the sign at the top. L'Araldo di Primavera it read.

Monday Morning Update: The Good, The Bad, & The &$*#@ Superbowl

Let's start with the good, shall we?

My son won first place in the 50 breast yesterday, and 2nd place in 50 butterfly.

I have been reading Nico Rosso's web series called Dead Drop on Tumblr. It's excellent. Here's the link to the first episode if you want to check it out. He posts a new chapter every day.

I'm heading to New York City this weekend to watch the weenie dogs at the Westminster Dog Show.

Now, the bad.

In spite of a nice selection of great reading materials on my Kindle (Zoë Archer's series, Taken to the Limit by Nico Rosso, and When Beauty Tamed the Beast by Eloisa James), I seem to have developed a penchant for train wrecks. As in, I-know-this-book-is-gonna-suck-trainwreck-bad-but-I'm-gonna-read-it-anyway. Why? I don't know. It must be the same reason I continue to read Us Weekly online even though there is some asinine story about the freakin' Kardashian sisters every day. It's a sickness.

Both are shapeshifter books...one about a werewolf who likes to pee around his cabin, the other about an Orca whale (God help me!!!!). The werewolf book (A Wicked Wolf by Brenda Williamson) I already read...the whole damned thing. I endured endless pages of mindless sex scenes, a piss-happy werewolf who keeps confusing his new ho with his dead wife, a ding-a-ling heroine who (a) doesn't notice the guy she is boinking is turning into a werewolf for 3 days!!!!!, and (b) forgets she has 2 siblings at home while consumed with lusty Lycan lovin. This gem is filled with purple prose ("He sucked at the creamy essence trickling from her quivering folds"), a ridiculous storyline involving a real estate transaction, and finally, the I-couldn't-see-that-one-coming dramatic revelation that the bad guy is....(wait for it)....a wolfy lawyer! Sigh. Here are my 2 favorite lines from the book....

"As much as he wanted to hump the fertile bitch, he wanted a devoted, nurturing mother for his offspring more."

....and this masterpiece.....

"For the first time in his life, he'd had his ass licked by someone he cared about."

Hee hee hee....oh Lordy!

FYI, plenty of folks loved this book at Goodreads, and at least one reader noted that the author has written better material. Read at your own risk. Although I wouldn't recommend it.

The Orca book (The Orca King by Darragha Foster) is on the TBR pile. Gulp. Do I dare to read an Orca shapeshifter book? That is the question for the week.....




And finally, the @#$%&* Superbowl.

Stillers! How could you???? You raised our hopes and smashed us into little bits in the final two minutes of the game. Sniff, sniff.

Okay, I'm over it.


Happy Monday, Happy Reading, Happy Writing, Happy Shapeshifters for All!
Penelope

Da Game

I'm from Da Burgh. Nuff said.

Go, Stillers!

Rock on,
Penelope

Penny's Roasted Beet Salad

Here is a delicious salad I made this week. My husband loves it! I am really into warm salads during the winter time. They are nice and cozy, and still very healthy.



Roasted Beet Salad on Greens

2 bunches of beets...can use 1 bunch red beets and 1 bunch golden beets, if desired
1/3 c. olive oil
2 T. sherry vinegar
1 t. coarse (whole seed) mustard
freshly ground pepper to taste
fresh greens (mache, mesclun, arugula, whatever you prefer)
fresh, good quality goat cheese
toasted hazelnuts, chopped


Preheat oven to 400. Rinse beets, then cut off greens and ends. Chop beets into halves or quarters (keep skin on). Put them in the middle of a large square of tin foil, then seal up the foil into a pouch (make sure it's tight, or beet juice will escape and make a big mess!). Put the pouch on a cookie tray, and roast for about 30 minutes, or until a fork slides easily into the beets. Open up foil pouch and let the beets cool for a bit. Using fingers or a fork/spoon, slide beet skins off (they should slide right off). Slice beets and put into bowl.

Make the dressing. Whisk together olive oil, vinegar and mustard. Add pepper. You may need to use more or less vinegar/mustard according to your taste buds. Sherry vinegar is strong, so be careful to add just a dash (a tablespoon or two) to the olive oil, and then see how it goes.

Add a bit of the dressing to the beet bowl and gently toss. For individual servings, put some greens on a plate, drizzle a bit of dressing on top. Then place some beets on the nest of greens, and top with fresh goat cheese and toasted hazelnuts.

Note: there is no salt in this recipe...you don't need it!

Enjoy!

Penelope

Beard of the Day

Happy times for sci fi geeks everywhere! The SyFy Channel has been showing lots of episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and I am in heaven! I've watched pretty much every episode of this show.  Jean Luc is the bestest, baddest captain of all time, and I love the whole crew. It's interesting how Worf, the first Klingon main character in Star Trek, changed physically over the course of seven years. At the beginning of the series, he looked sort of dorky--his hair was short and he had a certain vulnerability in his expression. By the end of the show, he had bad-ass long hair, a super intense gaze, and an extremely commanding presence. His hyper masculinity and deep, delicious voice were so very sexy! And, he's rocking the whole facial hair thing with a funky beard/stache ensemble that only a Klingon could carry off. In fact, Worf (and the Klingon males in general) are sort of the ultimate alpha males of the universe.

(Mindless bit of trivia about Klingon beards...they were "designed to be Elizabethan, combining prehistoric and aristocratic elements"...from Wikipedia. I find this fascinating...since the Klingons really combined that caveman feel with a regal, sophisticated vibe. Very cool tidbit. Thanks, Wikipedia!)

For those of you not on the Star Trek bandwagon, you will probably by stymied by today's Beard of the Day choice. But for those of you who stay up until 1:00 AM to watch re-runs of the Next Generation, you'll totally be getting it.

Qapla' (Good bye in Klingon, hee hee!)
Penelope

Groundhog Update

Happy Groundhog Day from sunny icy New England where we're pissed off enjoying another snow day, shovelling until our backs break sipping a hot toddy in front of the roaring fire duraflame log, and praying that the god-damned rodent adorable groundhog predicts an early spring.

Today I'm reading a ridiculous pissing werewolf book A Wicked Wolf by Brenda Williamson, recommended by a good friend at Goodreads as a stellar train-wreck sort of book. Next up, Taken to the Limit by Nico Rosso, written by a vineyard owner sci fi writer, hubby of Zoë Archer.

All my worst, seriously bad attitude best,
Penelope

New Logo!

Screw winter! Here's my new logo, designed by the amazingly talented Anne Nydam. It's sunny yellow and filled with some of my favorite flowers. Any gardeners out there? Do you recognize some of the plants? I'm ready to start incorporating my botany background into my romantic fiction. I am affectionately referring to my current WIP (Diabolical) as "Botanists In Love." More details later.

Good luck to everyone battling Seasonal Affective Disorder. I just bought a bouquet of daffodils. I hope it helps!

Penny

Review of Warrior by Zoë Archer

Warrior by Zoë Archer



I am in love with this book.

I am so in love with this book, I want to marry it, have a honeymoon, give it a dozen roses, and buy it lingerie.

Zoë Archer has created a thing of beauty with this novel. It is the perfect balance of adventure, lush scenery, magic and sorcery, larger-than-life characters, and extraordinary acts of love and heroism. It's Indiana Jones if it were jacked up on romance steroids, and a billion times better in every way. It is full of surprises, which is so very welcome to this jaded romance reader. It has the most incredible love scenes I've read....in a long time. Possibly ever. Sexy, intense, emotional. Everything a romantic encounter should be, but rarely is.

The hero and heroine are just perfection. Huntley is Indy--strong, scrappy, capable, sexy--not as cerebral in a scholarly way, but very well experienced in strategy and war. He is a man of action, a man of honor. Not only does he risk life and limb for the woman he loves, and for her cause, he also does the "right thing" (saving a life) for a perfect stranger. I have a weakness for heroes who have a strong moral compass. For characters who see beyond their own needs, and do the right thing just because...well, because it's the right thing to do. There aren't a lot of people in the world like this, and those who are, in my mind, are truly heroes.

Thalia is his ultimate match. Beautiful, determined, strong, talented in ways that matter in Mongolia. Her loyalty to family, country (which is not England, as it turns out), and cause are undisputed. The love that blooms between these two characters is wonderful to watch....they complement each other, they fight side by side. They are both heroes.

This book magnifies the problems I just had with Naked In Death. While Eve battles the bad guys, Roarke drinks gourmet coffee. There wasn't a satisfying balance between their abilities and their actions. Huntley and Thalia make an incredible team. Huntley soon realizes that his lukewarm dream of settling down with a shy English maid pales in comparison to the reality of being with his warrior lover.


"I like this very much," he said, nibbling on the tips of her fingers. "An army of two."

"Who's in command?" she answered as she fought for breath.

What a wicked smile he had. "Let's take turns."



Archer is a very painterly writer. Some of the scenes in this book were pure magic. The unveiling of the secrets of the tea kettle, with a backward history of Genghis Khan, was just phenomenal. Absolutely spell-binding and beautifully written.

The suspenseful storyline, the gorgeous imagery, the fascinating secondary characters, and the incredibly satisfying love story between two heroic characters make Warrior one of the best books I've ever read. I can hardly wait to read the rest of the series...Scoundrel, Rebel, and Stranger.

2011 just got a whole lot more interesting.

Grade: A++++++++


Wondering if Zoë Archer is a pen-name, because it's totally kick ass,
Penelope

Beard of the Day

Here he is....Beantown's Golden Boy, Ben Affleck. Honestly, I never thought he was that hot until I saw this photo. Here's a perfect example of how a beard makes the man. 

Rock that beard, my man. Looking fine!

Good things about Ben.....

1. He won an Academy Award.

2. He's a huge fan of the Boston Red Sox.

3. His middle name is Geza.

Bad things.....

One word: Bennifer.

Happy Hairy Friday,

Penelope

ETA: Check out the quirkiest celebrity dresser at The Quirky Ladies today! hint: She always looks like she just stepped out of a wind tunnel! 

Review of Naked In Death by JD Robb

Naked In Death by JD Robb

I am close to speechless. I had two authors I wanted to check out in 2011 because I'd heard such fantastic things about them....JD Robb and Nalini Singh. Well, I decided to start with Naked In Death, fully expecting to love it so much that I would become obsessed with the whole series and enter a Robb-reading frenzy.

I expected good quality writing, a suspenseful story, and amazing characters, especially Roarke, a hero who countless readers gush on and on about.

What I wasn't expecting was a bunch of the most incredibly disturbing topics in one book that I have ever seen in my life. Violent, bloody rape and murder, child abuse, child rape/mutilation, incest. Vile, foul, dark and disturbing images. I got a stomach ache reading this book, and it still isn't gone. Not only did Robb toss all these delightful topics into one book, but the reader gets to re-live the incestuous abuse not once, but twice, through two different characters' recollections of events. And top that off with Eve's nightmare case with the three year old being tortured and abused by her father...I don't think a prilosec is gonna fix this upset stomach.

Disturbing material aside, the book didn't impress me. The writing wasn't stellar. The futuristic setting was just blah. After recently reading some books with impressive futuristic world-building details (Ella Drake's Jaq's Harp and Julia Barrett's Captured), I was expecting something pretty cool from JD Robb. Honestly, it felt like a contemporary suspense story with a few interesting details thrown in for good measure. Nothing that great.

The characters? Eve is a bad-ass heroine--an alpha, tough cop who has risen to success in her department despite her horrible past--and Roarke is....well....a weenie. He's a rich, pampered billionaire. I'm sure there is more to him and his history that will be revealed in later books, but in this book, I didn't see any of the hot Irish guy I was expecting. While Eve is taking down villains, investigating corrupt politicians, being stalked by a deranged murderer, and obsessing with the bloody and gruesome details of a serial killer, Roarke is.....

....putting out bottles of vintage wine to "breathe."

A lot.

Like, in every freakin' scene.

Oh yeah, he also likes to wear impeccable clothing and fly around on his super sonic jet and go "off-planet" for some wheeling and dealing.

Can you say metrosexual wuss?

In the final scene of the book, Eve is threatened with rape and murder by the killer, back-handed, punched in the ribs, head smacked against the floor, choked, and shot while she scratches, hits, kicks and punches her attacker, breaks his nose, bloodies his mouth and pins him to the ground. After she has already incapacitated him, Roarke comes running into the room, picks the near-lifeless guy up off the ground and slugs him in the face. Hee hee...well, gee, thanks for that! I think Eve had it pretty much under control..... Somebody's got big balls in this story, and it ain't Roarke.

I keep hearing about this sexy, Irish character. Huh? Not seeing it in this book, at all. I loved Nora Robert's Jewels of the Sun. Aidan was a super hunky, romantic Irish hero. I swooned every time that guy said something. Roarke might as well be from Antarctica.

And the attraction between Eve and Roarke? Totally not buying it. She's a scruffy cop, he's an elegant and sophisticated man. The instant sexual attraction between them is inexplicable, really, and the love that develops makes no sense. They hardly even know each other! Roarke is obsessed with Eve...why? Never quite sure, and at the point in the story where he admits he's in love with her I almost snorted out loud. Why would Roarke fall in love with her? I have no freaking idea, nor do I care to find out, since I will never read another one of these books.

The one positive thing I will say for Naked in Death is that the storyline was quite suspenseful, especially at the beginning before the icky factor got turned up. (Rape is a difficult topic for me, but child rape/incest is beyond horrifying.)

I have never given anything less than a "C" rating on my blog. But I just can't give this book a good grade. Thanks to an overabundance of foul and disturbing material, a wussy hero, lack-luster futuristic details, and an unbelievable romance, I am dinging this book. Ugh!

Grade: C-/D+

Another thing: Maybe the series gets better. Maybe Roarke grows a pair and loses his metrosexual vibe. But a series is only as good as its first book....that's the one that's gotta hook you. I'm not hooked....this one is a catch-and-release for me.

And now I need a mega-dose of some alpha-male hero action, and something light and fluffy to offset this read. Unicorns, rainbows, and maybe a Julie Garwood Scottish dude. Yep, that sounds good.

Not Feeling The Love,
Penelope

Part 2 of Penelope's I Wanna Stay Alive Plan: The Diet

Welcome to Part 2 of Penelope's I Wanna Stay Alive Plan! Part 1 (which was posted yesterday) was all about exercise. (Walking!) Today's post is about my new diet. After having a heart attack in August, I completed re-vamped my eating. No more McDonald's french fries. No more nacho platters at the Mexican restaurant. I have 2 main health concerns to address: heart health and diabetes. So, according to the nutritionist at the hospital, my diet needed to be low-sodium, low-cholesterol, low-fat, low-carb, low-calorie (low-taste...hee hee). After I compared the Do Not Eat List and the Okay To Eat List, I was left with...

Celery Sticks.

And Water.

All right, maybe not that bad, but pretty damned close. Some things were okay on one list, but not okay on another. So, what did I do? I took all the lists and made up my own diet, with a heavy emphasis on the super-foods, and stuff I liked. Here is what I eat every day. You might think that eating the same thing every day sucks, but actually it's great. I don't have to think about it...I know it's healthy. And of course, I can mix it up a bit when I want to!

Breakfast: 1 piece of whole wheat toast w/ lo-fat, lo-sodium peanut butter, some walnuts, tea or coffee

Morning Snack (if needed): half an apple w/ peanut butter, or banana, or 1/2 container fat-free Greek yogurt w/ blueberries and wheat germ, or handful of walnuts; water

Lunch: mini whole wheat pita pocket stuffed with veggies (cuke, tomato, sprouts, greens, mushrooms, avocado, and hummus) or mini whole wheat pita grilled on panini maker (with spinach, mushrooms, tomatoes, 1 slice lo-salt, lo-fat cheese, avocado). 5-10 "healthy" chips, such as Food Should Taste Good olive chips. Water. (fruit for dessert if I want it)

Afternoon Snack (if needed): hummus and pita chips or carrots/celery to dip (part skim ricotta cheese also a good dipper!), 1/2 container fat free Greek yogurt (w/ fruit if desired).

Dinner: Bowl of greens! Use different kinds of greens...spinach, mesclun with herbs, red-leaf, whatever; add on top, grilled salmon, chicken, steak, small portion--whatever I am cooking for the family; plus, sprinkle of cheese, such as goat cheese, feta, or blue; plus walnuts, pumpkin seeds or other nuts; plus dried fruit if desired--such as dried cranberries, etc. Sprinkle olive oil and a dash of vinegar on top. Water to drink (add slice of orange in water to spiff it up a bit!) This winter I have also been roasting veggies (squash, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, fennel, beets, etc) and plopping them on top of my bowl of greens, just to have something nice and warm to eat.

This diet works for me. I love veggies. Well, I love food. But I've learned that my life can't center around my meals anymore. Being healthy is more important.

Here's my new motto: Nothing tastes as good as being alive.

Here are some more tips and ideas...please leave a comment and let me know some of your tips, too!

**Your diet needs to be about quality AND quantity. Sure, you could lose weight by eating crap at McDonald's all day--if you ate small amounts of food--but eventually you would still die from a heart attack. It's not just the number of calories you consume, but the quality of calories. You need to eat heart healthy stuff...walnuts, salmon, blueberries. Check out this great website (Heart Healthy Living) for more info about heart healthy foods.

**Sodium is a killer. Prepared foods and restaurant foods are on the no-no list. This was really hard for me. I love eating out and I love the convenience of prepared foods. Even supposedly "healthy" foods and soups have astronomically high amounts of sodium. DON'T EAT THEM. Freeze your own home-made soup, make a healthy sandwich for lunch, if you go out to eat order a salad with no dressing--ask for oil and vinegar and make your own. Also, try appetizers...better portion size. Veggie sushi is good (no soy sauce!). You'll get used to it.

**You don't need to join Jenny Craig. Any diet plan that uses prepared foods is bad (and expensive)...and worst of all, the probability of gaining all the weight back after the "diet" is over is pretty high. That totally sucks. Weight Watchers seems good to me because it's teaching people to eat healthy without using prepared foods, and there is a good support system.

**Red wine is heart healthy!--have half a glass. So is dark chocolate...have a tiny square.

**Find recipes you like and make a batch for the week. My two favorites are chick pea and feta salad (I make it with whole wheat couscous and stuff it in my pita pocket) and homemade chicken soup.

**I eat a lot of chick peas and nuts for protein. If you need more protein in your diet, try lean turkey on your sammie, or tuna (make your own salad w/ fat free mayo and lots of veggies) or egg salad (make your own!).

**Going to a party? Is it Thanksgiving? Fill up on a big salad, then have one bite of something tasty...one bite of the cake, or pumpkin pie, whatever. That's all you really need. You'll already be stuffed from all the veggies!

**After every meal, I walk. It burns up calories, it increases your energy level. It makes you feel better.

This is what has been working for me. I gave up white pasta and white bread, which hurt like a bitch. I love that stuff! But I got used to this new diet pretty quickly, and I noticed right away I felt better eating this way. I no longer have horrible acid reflux, I don't get tired so easily.

I would love to hear from all of you and find out your diet tips. What works? What doesn't work? How do you incorporate healthy eating if you have a family, and your daughter only eats chicken nuggets? Stuff like that.

Let's chat!

Penny

Penelope's I Wanna Stay Alive Diet and Exercise Plan

A lot of folks have been asking me how I lost 48 pounds. Honestly, the threat of impending death is a super great motivator. It makes you go for a walk in the pitch dark and freezing cold when you'd rather be home in bed watching TV. It prevents you from eating a brownie with your kids (just picture a skull and crossbones on top of the brownie pan). Having a heart attack at 44 was a wake-up call like no other. The fear of death jump started my diet. But common sense is keeping it going.

Today, I'm going to talk about my exercise plan. Tomorrow, my diet.

All right...here it goes...(drum roll please)...

I walk.

That's it. I walk.

I don't do any fancy-pants machines at the gym. I don't take hot yoga or spinning class or karate or high-impact aerobics.

I just walk around the block.

I don't walk with weights or a pedometer, or fancy lycra pants, or sporty pull-over jackets. I wear a t-shirt and black pants, and in the winter I wear lots of layers, a dorky hat, scarves and my sneakers.

I know. This is boring. It's not glamorous, or sexy, or exciting. But frankly, I don't give a rat's ass, because it works.

Walking is free. All I need is a pair of sneakers and I'm all set. I get fresh air, I can listen to my music if I so desire, I say hi to my neighbors. Sometimes I see cool birds. If it rains, I wear a rain coat. If it snows, I wear a parka.

Walking is easy, low impact, and works like a freakin' charm for weight loss. I lost almost 50 pounds just by walking around my neighborhood.

I walk for 30-45 minutes in the morning. I take another walk at lunchtime...maybe a quickie 15 minute walk, maybe longer if I have time. Then, I take another walk later in the afternoon...sometimes walk the dog, or walk with the fam (son on his skate board, daughter on her scooter, hubby hanging out with me). If I can hack it, I squeeze in one more quickie 15-min. walk at 7 pm before I wind down for the night.

The way I see it, my sedentary life needs to be offset by moving. So if I spend time writing or reading, then I need to compensate by doing something. It could be going grocery shopping, walking into town to mail a letter, pulling weeds in the garden, whatever.

There are 2 states of being. Moving. And Not Moving.

Moving=working out my heart, burning calories, toning my body, producing endorphins, making my head clear and focused, all good things.

Not Moving=sedentary lifestyle=bad, bad things. Death and Destruction. The Apocalypse. Diabetes. Heart Disease. Big, fat ass. You get the idea.

The hidden benefits of all this exercise...1) my skin looks really good, 2) I never get sick, and 3) I have fantastic brain-storming sessions where I work out all the kinks in my WIP, including pages of dialogue.

So, that's it. I try to move around a lot, burn calories, keep my heart rate up. So far, so good. The diabetes is gone, my heart has healed, my blood pressure is great, my cholesterol is excellent. I'm on the right path.

What are you guys doing for exercise? Any cool suggestions? Things you love to do? Let me know!

Tomorrow...Part 2 of Penelope's I Wanna Stay Alive Plan: The Diet.

Not Embarrassed To Be Walking Like A Little Old Lady,

Penelope