Tuesday, October 29, 2013

In Search of Vanilla Menage: Good Luck With That!

Recently I had a conversation with some friends that went something like this...

Friend #1: "You should really read Book So-and-So. It's great!"

Me: "I can't. The hero is a man-ho. You know that's one of my no-no rules."

Another friend (#2): "How about this book? I loved it."

Me: "Nope. That has too much dark and disturbing material. Also on my list of rules."

Friend #3: "What about Book Blah Blah?"

Me: "Absolutely not. That breaks the rule about cheating and/or having sex with other partners while the story is happening. I don't care about their histories PRIOR to the book, but once you get on page one, all sexual activity must be limited to hero and heroine, including, but not pertaining exclusively to, dreams and fantasies."

Friends: Silence.

Friend #1: "You sure have a lot of rules."

Me: "No I don't!"

All friends simultaneously: "YES YOU DO!"

Me: "What? So I don't like man-hos, virgin heroes, alpha-holes, orgies, BDSM, fake BDSM, young adult, new adult, dark and disturbing topics like rape or violence, too-stupid-to-live heroines, plot-driven stories, huge info dumps, cheating, The Big Misunderstanding, billionaires, cougars, dark and angsty books, jump-the-shark plots, plot holes, gang-bangs, figging, flogging, anal sex, most contemporaries, and/or poorly written bearotica."


Me: "Fine. Maybe I have a lot of rules."

A few days later I complained about the lack of vanilla menages on Twitter. Jen Porter pointed out that most menage stories are erotica, and include many of the topics that make me squeamish.

I complained bitterly that there is not a sub-sub-sub-subgenre for "vanilla menage"....what if a nice little old granny in Vermont wanted to read a wholesome threesome?

Is that not possible?

Does back-door action ALWAYS have to be included in these stories?


Evidently it does. So, I'm still looking for my vanilla menage story that doesn't break any of my hard-and-fast rules. It ain't looking too good.

In the meantime, I'm re-reading Julie Garwood. (She doesn't break any of my rules.)

Starting the countdown until the INDIE AUTHOR SYMPOSIUM! Yee haw!



Tales of Whimsy said...

You make a valid point. Good luck. Let us know if you find one.

Tales of Whimsy said...

Penny! Check it out: https://www.etsy.com/listing/167213316/lumberjack-cologne-mens-fragrance
Have you seen it before or tried it?

TeresaNoelleRoberts said...

Just for you, I'll try writing a vanilla menage. Not sure how well it will work (especially given that I'm not especially vanilla) but hey, everyone needs a challenge.

Donna said...

Okay, you forget about some of the most known vanilla menage out there. They fall complete all of your rules. "The Three Little Pigs" "Goldilocks and three little bears" I view Goldi as the villain. These stories are very vanilla. No back door except for the one that gets blown down by a wolf.

Good, luck on a traditional human, vanilla menage.


Heidenkind said...

You could always write a vanilla menage book. :)

Anonymous said...

You can't go wrong with Julie Garwood.

Penny Watson said...

Juju, no luck yet.

Penny Watson said...

Juju! I have seen lumberjack-scented soaps and beard oil, etc at Etsy, but never this one.

It says it has a warm, woodsy masculine scent! Hee!

Penny Watson said...

Teresa...I'm just looking for a good, old-fashioned love story. With three people. And no bum-love. :^)

Penny Watson said...

Donna, good point. The original menage stories!

Penny Watson said...

Tasha...I'm thinking of writing a wild turkey shape-shifter menage story. :^)

Penny Watson said...

Jessi...Julie Garwood fits my entire list of criteria perfectly. She's the BIG WINNER!

Julia Barrett said...

I plan to write one. Wait and see. Or wait and read. :)

Julia Barrett said...

And I love and respect your rules!

Penny Watson said...

Julia...Ohhhhhhhh. You're going to write one! Can't wait!

Penny Watson said...

Update: I finally found one!