Penelope's Romance Reviews

Napa Or Bust

2012-01-27T08:41:00.000-05:00

I'm leaving soon for Napa! Hope everyone has a great week. I'll be sure to post lots of pics when I get back. I can't stop singing this song...hee hee!.....

All my best,

Penelope

What's Wack Today

2012-01-26T06:57:00.000-05:00

1. Oops! From last night's episode of Top Chef....it looks like Padma forgot to put on her pants.

2. From The Annals Of Pseudo-Intellectual Misogynist Douchebags Whose Names Sounds Like a Vegetable

(I refuse to give his real name or link....he doesn't deserve any more traffic to his site).

Here are some choice quotes from his asinine romance-hating post yesterday.....

"Well romance is nothing but base human desires."

(Um, I think you might mean lust, not romance.)

"It's the stuff of children."

(Really? I personally don't think romantic fiction is age-appropriate for kids, but whatever floats your boat).

"Adults read to learn, and that includes fiction."

(And adults also read for entertainment. I think you need to lighten up, grab a beer, and watch.....)

3. PHANTOM MENACE 3D!!!!!!

That's right, baby! Darth Maul is coming at you in 3D on February 10th....here's the trailer on Youtube.

I know some of my ~~fans~~ ~~readers~~ ~~people who hated my book more than life itself~~ will be super excited to see this epic movie event!

:^)

Have a nice day,

Penelope

Totally Pointless Weenie Dog Photo

2012-01-25T09:29:00.000-05:00

Best part of winter in New England....snuggling with a hot dog.

Happy Wednesday,
Penelope

Werewolves On My Mind (And Some Other Stuff, Too)

2012-01-24T08:45:00.000-05:00

Thanks to a recommendation at the Amazon Romance Message Boards (aka Wackadoodle Central), I bought and read this book last night. I have read some contemporaries by Lucy Monroe I really enjoyed, but never any paranormal books by her. Well, Moon Craving is the second in this werewolf series, and I lubbed this baby!

What's better than sexy werewolves?

How about sexy werewolves who also happen to be Scottish lairds-alpha-hotties with that wicked buttery accent, tattoos, stubbly beards, muscles on their muscles, and a possessive streak? Okay, that would be it!

I loved everything about this book--especially the deaf heroine who seems weak but has an iron will and intense loyalty, the werewolf laird determined not to repeat the mistakes of his ancestors, and all the cool secondary characters. This book is a serious winner!

Grade: A ....All.....The.....Way!

Other deep thoughts....

The continuing battle of authors vs. reviewers has me considering closing down my twitter account and doing my own "black-out." I have never seen so much negativity flying around. Angry authors, insulted reviewers and readers. This new and continuing trend doesn't appear to be going away. So maybe I'll go away. It's bumming me out.

I am re-animating the zombie corpse of my diet (how do you like that image? hee hee). After losing 45 pounds very quickly, I re-gained some of the weight back and now I need to get back on the train. It's all about "mindful" eating vs. "mindless" eating. Mindful eating is very difficult when you are cooking for a family of four....kids eating junk food, hubby eating white rice, snacks around the house. I have to be super-vigilant about not eating anything that is a no-no. A bite of a cookie here, a bite of a left-over waffle there....and pretty soon I've gained 10 pounds. I've gone back to my super-strict diet I was using right after my heart attack, and it's working. I'm losing weight again. 50 pounds down or bust!

Well, that's it for Tuesday. Hope everyone has a great day!
Penny

A Penny From Heaven And An Alien Love Child: Quickie Reading Update

2012-01-23T06:00:00.001-05:00

I finished my first book for the Penelope Project....In For A Penny by Rose Lerner. Holy Canastas! This is a wonderful 5-star read. Charming historical story, adorable characters, lots of emotional conflict, and a kick-ass Penelope. I love "heroic" heroines, and this one fits the bill. It reminded me of an old-school Julia Quinn novel....you fall in love with these flawed characters and pray for their HEA. And you get it. I wish the ending hadn't been so abrupt, but otherwise this book was close to perfection. Rose Lerner has a lovely voice and I'm looking forward to reading more of her work.

Grade: A

Next up: Alien Overnight by Robin Rotham. This book looked so weird I just couldn't resist. The book blurb says the heroine is "quirky"....what they should have said was foul-mouthed, rude, irritating and totally unlikable. Frankly, I couldn't understand why the horny alien dudes were so hot to trot with Dr. Teague. They liked her "spunky" attitude....I thought she was horrible. However, the two horny alien dudes were hot alpha guys, with a little bit "extra" (bizarre alien anatomical appendage....and I'll let your imagination run wild with that one). This book had some good points....pretty well-written, interesting alien plot (I really like the premise of an alien planet desperate for females....it's a great concept for a sci fi erotica!), and 2 hunky heroes. Unfortunately, I couldn't stand the heroine. I laughed out loud when they mentioned the "alien love-child"....hee hee! If you're looking for a spicy sci-fi menage story, and you don't mind foul-mouthed, rude heroines, this is a fun read. If bitchy chicks piss you off, skip it.

Grade: B-/C+

Happy Monday,
Penelope

Blast From 1988: Neneh Cherry

2012-01-22T10:47:00.000-05:00

It's sweetness that I'm thinking of.....

Happy Sunday!

Baked Potato Salad by Todd English

2012-01-21T13:13:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite weekend dinners, and such a great concept! Todd English takes a roasted Idaho potato, and stuffs it with a delicious watercress salad. For folks eating a lot of salad (me!) this is something a little bit different to break up the monotony.

"My Favorite Baked Potato Salad" by Todd English, from The Olives Table cookbook:

Ingredients:

4 Idaho potatoes

1 T olive oil

1 t. kosher salt

1 t. black pepper

1 small bunch watercress, washed, dried and ripped up into bits

1 cucumber, sliced

1 and 1/2 c. green beans, blanched in boiling water for 2 minutes

1 sm. red onion, thinly sliced (I use less, probably 1/2 onion)

1 Belgian endive, sliced up

Dressing:

2 T good olive oil

1/3 c. chopped walnuts

2 T fresh lemon juice

2 T balsamic vinegar

3/4 crumbled good blue cheese

Preheat oven to 400. Rub potatoes with olive oil and season with salt and pepper, prick them with a fork, then roast in the oven until tender (right on the rack), about 40 minutes-1 hour.

Make salad....toss watercress, endive, cuke, green beans, onion and season with salt and pepper.

Make the dressing....heat up a small skillet on high and then add the olive oil. Add the walnuts and toast for a couple of minutes. Be careful...they burn quickly. Add the lemon juice and vinegar and heat for about 1 minute. Take pan off the heat and add the cheese. It makes a delicious hot dressing....yum! Pour this over the salad and mix together.

Open up the potatoes and mound the salad on top. Serve hot!

Enjoy!

Penny (Guess what I'm eating for dinner tonight?)

Winter In New England

2012-01-20T08:30:00.000-05:00

The view outside my front door this morning. Snowflakes still falling in the morning sun....gorgeous!

Winter in my garden.....

Stay warm, everyone!
Penny

My Dinner With Julia (Rachel Barrett)

2012-01-19T09:08:00.000-05:00

Spontaneity.

Some folks have it. Some don't.

Many of us had it in our younger days. And then lost it with the arrival of 2.5 kids.

Some of us had it in college. For others, it may make an appearance after a few drinks.

I haven't had a lot of spontaneous moments in the last year and half. Having a heart attack makes you hold on tight to familiarity....the structure of each day makes you feel safe and secure.

But I realized at the beginning of this new year, I needed to shake things up. I needed something fun and different and spontaneous and maybe a little bit ballsy to look forward to.

How about....

....hopping on a plane, flying across the country, and meeting someone you have never actually seen in real life?

Someone you have developed a friendship with, initially based on mutual love of books, good food and wine. Shared experiences. Someone you respect. Someone who is a kindred spirit in many ways. Someone who is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and funny. Someone who is supportive and understanding.

Julia Rachel Barrett issued an open invitation to visit her in Napa, and one day I emailed her and said...."I'm coming to see you." I'm not sure if she was shocked or surprised. But she said "Great!"

And so, in eleven days, I am flying across the country to meet a "stranger" who really isn't a stranger. We're going to taste wine, and olive oil, and visit the farmer's market in San Francisco, and hike, and eat at some fun restaurants, and walk her adorable dog, and get to know each other in person.

I can't wait.

Of all the things that have happened to me since I discovered romantic fiction, started writing and reviewing, the very best part has been "meeting" cool people. Other authors and reviewers and readers who have unique perspectives on life, who have gone through trials and tribulations just as I have, who offer support and kindness as life throws a few curveballs our way.

And so, I'm looking forward to my dinner with Julia. Good food, good wine, good company. It's a grand adventure, and a wonderful way to start the new year.

A wonderful source of inspiration. Visiting a new place. Meeting a new friend. Taking a journey by myself, without my family.

I like the fact that my first introduction to Julia was by reading her book Beauty and the Feast. I knew right away that I liked her. I liked the way she saw the sensuality of food, the simplicity of a good meal, the beauty in the world around her. These things came out clearly in this book, and after enjoying it immensely, we started corresponding and became friends.

Another Julia would heartily approve, I'm sure....

"Remember, 'No one's more important than people!' In other words, friendship is the most important thing--not career or housework, or one's fatigue--and it needs to be tended and nurtured." Julia Child, My Life in France

"The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking you've got to have a what-the-hell attitude." Julia Child

"One of the secrets, and pleasures, of cooking is to learn to correct something if it goes awry; and one of the lessons is to grin and bear it if it cannot be fixed." Julia Child, My Life in France

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook." Julia Child

❧❧❧

Feeling Peevish

2012-01-18T08:55:00.000-05:00

1. Pet Peeve #1.....

I have the most incredible news in the world!!! OH MY GOD!

(Too bad I can't tell you right now. Maybe later.)

OH MY GOD!

Maybe you should tell me later.

*Penny sharpens her katana with an evil glint in her eye*

2. Pet Peeve #2.....

If one more author/agent/publisher/blogger/reviewer/reader tells the rest of us how to read/write/review/talk/post/rate/grade I will swing my steely katana through the air like a muther f*ckin' ninja on crack and kick some idiotic ass!

3. Pet Peeve #3....

When my dachshund plays with her dinosaur chew toy. The squeaking! The squeaking! Make it stop!

*Penny fantasizes about decapitating dinosaur with large, sharpened sword*

4. Pet Peeve #4......

Hey....let's make a lot of money by encouraging folks to eat super-unhealthy diets and develop diabetes! Great idea!

Here's the thing. Eating deep-fried food isn't good for you. Ever. It's gonna kill you. So, saying "I'll eat deep fried food in moderation" is the equivalent of saying "I'll smoke 7 ciggies a day instead of 14." One way or another, it's still gonna kill ya. Shame on you, Paula Deen.

5. Pet Peeve #5.....

Captains who save their own sorry asses while their luxury cruise liner sinks and innocent people die. I guess the George Clooney-style honorable captains who go down with the ship (A Perfect Storm) are only found in Hollywood? Jay-sus.

6. Pet Peeve #6......

Getting folks addicted to paranormal series with a crack-like intensity, then charging exorbitant amounts of money for the Kindle version. So. Very. Un. Cool.

Still feeling peevish,
Penelope

"When It Looks Like A Lion's Mane, I'm Done"

2012-01-17T08:39:00.001-05:00

Instructions to my stylist.

These are words I never want to hear at the beauty salon....subtle, natural, flat.

These are good.....big, fluffy, Jon Bon Jovi from the 1980s.

Off for my hair appointment......

Penelope

ETA: My hair looks fantastic! :^) Bon Jovi would be proud!

Planning My Summer Vacation

2012-01-16T09:55:00.000-05:00

While I freeze my arse off in New England, I am planning my summer vacation to Kauai.

Nice!

Anyone been there? Suggestions? Recommendations? Let me know!

Happy Monday! Dream about sea turtles and lush green landscapes,
Penelope

An Invitation to Read This Book, With Just a Few Conditions....

2012-01-15T09:46:00.000-05:00

Miss Penelope,

Our client has written a stunning work of epic proportions. We would like to invite you to read and review this book, with just a few conditions....

1. You must have at least 100,000 followers on your blog.
2. Your blog must have won a minimum of 386 awards.
3. Your followers must all possess a high school diploma.
4. We frown upon an abundance of curse words.
5. Blogs with half-clothed male models will not be approved.
6. We highly encourage 4 or 5 star reviews. If you grade this work below that mark, please do not expect to receive any more freebies from our publisher.
7. If you do decide to read and review this book and give it an excellent rating, we have a time-share in Bermuda that is open in the month of April.
8. Promoting this book via tweets, facebook posts, etc will result in 250 additional free ebooks being sent to your address.
9. Blogs with satirical posts mocking the publishing industry will not be approved.
10. Due to an unfortunate incident with a dachshund in our childhood, any blogs with a weenie dog mascot will not be approved.

We hope to hear from you soon,
Marketing Director for The Next Big Thing

P.S. Once you have signed the attached document in your own blood and returned it, we will send you a pdf file.

Dear Marketing Director,

Boy, oh boy. I sure hope I meet your stringent requirements. I never realized that I had to pass a strict set of criteria in order to read a book and write a review. How about I buy the book with my own money, and then I can say whatever I want to. I'm gonna pass on the freebies.

Have a nice day,
Penelope

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Observations by a 9 Year Old

2012-01-14T08:20:00.000-05:00

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Observations by my 9 year old daughter Nat....

"Mom, he's so cute. I like baby monkeys. Mom, that guy is mean. I don't like him. Mom. Mom. Are the apes good or bad? Mom, how is that guy sick? Mom, what is his disease? Oh. I think he's better now. Mom, I can't keep all the different ape names straight. Mom, what happened to the circus ape? Mom, is this movie going to have a happy ending? Mom, I want a pet monkey. I always wanted a pet monkey. Mom, when I get my pet monkey I'm going to name it Caesar. Caesar's a good name. Mom, that virus is good for the apes, but bad for people. Mom, I can't eat any dinner because I'm thinking about Caesar. That also happens to me when I watch zombie movies.....

Mom, this movie is totally getting 5 stars."

Grade: 5 stars (4.5 from Nat's mom)

Happy Weekend,
Penelope

Stronger

2012-01-13T06:00:00.001-05:00

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Rock along, little chickies....

Penelope

Thrilling Thursday: Thrills and Chills and Dills

2012-01-12T06:55:00.000-05:00

I read 3 books yesterday....

1.) Thrills....

OH MY GOD!

I finished Restless in the Grave by Dana Stabenow. What a book! What an ENDING! This book was absolutely.....

PHENOMENAL!

I will put together a review and post it for release week in February. I can't stop thinking about it. Fans of her Kate Shugak series will be thrilled. Liam's fans will be thrilled. This book not only lived up to the hype, but surpassed it in grand fashion.

YOWZAH!

2.) Chills....

I read a quickie erotica about a woman who owns an ice-cream shop, called Kandy Shoppe. Her name is Kandy, of course. Hee hee....really! It was a cute, sexy read, but not a lot of story.

3.) Dills....as in Dill Pickle...as in Weenie....as in dachshund (I know that one's a stretch!)...

I read Doxology, which pretty much seemed like a blog post. Super quick, funny, not a lot of substance. A cute satire about a doxie with healing powers.

Now I'm about to start a book for my Penelope Project...In for a Penny by Rose Lerner. Hope it's good!

Happy Thursday To All!
Penny

The Litmus Test

2012-01-11T07:06:00.000-05:00

To each, his own.

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

That's why there are 31 flavors to choose from.

We all know that our tastes and opinions are unique. There is no other person on earth who shares all of our likes....in film and fashion and home decor.....and books.

Even certain things that seem like a given--EVERYONE likes vanilla ice-cream!--are not set in stone. There are folks who hate vanilla ice-cream. Even though it seems classic, simple, delicious, as though it should be universally loved.

But that's just not the case.

It's not that surprising that certain books we love and cherish are not loved and cherished by all of our colleagues, friends, neighbors, family.

But I bet most of us have one book, maybe more than one, that we use as a litmus test.

It's....THE one. The one that is most special to you. The one that embodies everything you truly love about romance...your perfect hero, your perfect heroine, your perfect story, your perfect everything.

The folks who adore that book know something about you. About who you are, what you believe in. They get you. They're on the same page of life.

And the folks who don't get that book.....

Well, maybe you look at them a little bit differently. Not that you don't like or respect them. But you realize that you're not really on the same page. If they don't get that book, then.....they don't get you.

Your sense of humor.

Your quirks, your eccentricities.

Your belief in love. Your belief in romance. Your belief in happy endings.

Our favorite books reveal something about ourselves. Why we are reading romance in the first place. What we need. Comfort, reassurance, hope, inspiration, sex.

I have a book that's my litmus test. It's Almost Like Being In Love by Steve Kluger. This book is not a normal "romance" novel by any means. It's actually a M/M story, which is not my typical read.

It's funky, it's quirky, it's weird, it's hilarious. It's unexpected. It has yin and yang. Balance. Hope. Pop culture references. Some of the funniest dialogue I've ever seen in a book.

It has a happy ending.

This book....is ME. I'm weird and quirky. I'll all about yin and yang. I'm about the happy ending.

I still remember who recommended this book to me. I respect her opinions on everything. Because anyone who gets this book is totally on my same page. Anyone who gets this book.....gets me.

Not everyone likes this book, of course. It has a funky structure, it takes a while to get into, it has a very strong voice. But it is my litmus test.

I'm thinking that most people have a litmus test. That one book that is you. That embodies everything you love about reading. It could be a classic, like Jane Eyre. It could be something controversial. It could be anything, really.

It's your litmus test. When you hear someone say...."That book changed my life. That book was the greatest thing I ever read. That book is....THE ONE"---you know you've found a kindred spirit.

I think we all have a litmus test book.

What's yours?

Penny

Review of Wild and Steamy: An Anthology

2012-01-10T07:34:00.002-05:00

Review for Wild and Steamy by Meljean Brook, Jill Myles, and Carolyn Crane

Let's review my criteria for writing a kick-ass novella. I actually love shorter stories. If they are done well. Which is difficult. You can't squeeze in a lot of stuff with 15,000 words. A novella should be an amuse-bouche. Just a taste....satisfying in one, single bite. A quick introduction to the author's voice, a quick snippet of a love affair, a brief and intriguing look into a paranormal world.

Making one bite good and satisfying is extremely difficult.

Some folks are left wanting more, and feel gypped.

Some folks are left saying...."What? That's it? I don't get it."

Some folks get a perfect single bite, an explosion of tastes and textures, and say...."Holy macarena! That author is the master of the universe!"

In addition to this, an anthology should have some sort of cohesive theme holding it together. For example, a Christmas anthology is all holiday-themed. A Bearotica anthology is all about hairy, gay guys. Stuff like that. Just throwing together a bunch of short stories willy-nilly does not make an anthology.

Now, onto Wild and Steamy.....

1.) I read the whole book and thought...."These stories do NOT go together. Why were they in an anthology together?" Then, I went to Amazon to read the book description...."Three all-new novellas of the supernatural and steampunk kind...." Hmmm. Interesting. But it makes no sense. Brook's story was steampunk, Myles story was an erotica, and Crane's story was UF. There was no cohesion in this anthology at all. They were a mismatch.

The title: Wild and Steamy? What the hell is that all about? Brook's story was not wild or steamy. Myles' was extremely steamy, but not wild. And Crane's book was neither. A misnomer if I've ever seen one.

2.) The Blushing Bounder by Meljean Brook

Absolutely freakin' fantastic. Everything a novella should be. A taste of her quirky steampunk world. Fabulous characterization in a short amount of time. Suspense, intrigue. This is text-book perfect how to write a novella. Even got an awesome HEA at the end.

Let's face some facts here. You just don't have time to lay down all the world-building details of a paranormal setting in a novella. Can't do it. Not enough time. Brook didn't even try. She just threw us into the world and let us sink or swim. I have read The Iron Duke, so I knew what I was getting into. I do think a brand new reader would find this story intriguing enough to continue with the series.

I LOVE Constable Newberry. What a great character! What an adorable love story. This is an epic win!

Grade: A

3.) Vixen by Jill Myles

I have read a couple of other stories by Myles, and I really liked them. I was NOT expecting anything like this from her. In fact, her book Island Heat would be perfect for a Wild and Steamy collection. It was certainly wild and steamy in a great way. Loved that one.

Unfortunately, this was not fabulous. It was basically a vehicle for a lot of sex. Menage sex. The fact that the characters were shifters did not add anything to the story. Except as a way to explain why they were so horny, and as a lukewarm storyline. The Blushing Bounder was a hard act to follow, and this was not the right way to do it.

Grade: C+

4.) Kitten-tiger and the Monk by Carolyn Crane

I am a huge Carolyn Crane fan. I adored Mind Games....thought it was one of the most unique, well-written, intriguing books I've read in the last 5 years. This story is part of her Disillusionist UF world.

What I didn't like: Way too much backstory. It felt like 90% of this novella was backstory...Sophia thinking about her family and her time with Monk, and Monk thinking about his childhood and his relationship with Sophia. If you are writing a full-length book, it's okay to have a certain amount of backstory to get the readers up to speed. But not too much. It's an info dump, it slows down the pacing, and it doesn't grab the reader's attention. In a novella, it's a huge no-no. There is not enough time to bog down the novella with that much backstory.

What I loved: Crane's UF vision is absolutely superb. It is twisted and terrifying and fascinating in a sick way. Once she got out of the backstory and into the present tense, the story picked up, although I wish Sophia and Monk had been able to spend more time in the Tangle. What an amazing setting! The resolution of their relationship was very satisfying, and surprisingly sweet for this dark UF world. I really liked it. There is just a bit of sex in this one....I would not call it Wild and Steamy.

Grade: B

My overall impression of this anthology? Worth the read. A great introduction to Brook's world, a nice introduction to Crane's UF series, and not the best taste of Myles' writing....I would recommend Island Heat over this one. This anthology was not really Wild and Steamy, but it's still worth an exploration.

Penelope

Monday Morning Update

2012-01-09T07:29:00.000-05:00

Here are the fastest updates on the face of the earth! Ready...set....go.....

Here's what I've read recently and is coming up in the TBR pile....

Beauty Touched The Beast by Skye Warren

This was a freebie download at ARE. It was a short, hot read with some of my favorite themes--older man/younger woman, and beauty/beast. It has a lot of potential to be expanded into a longer story....I hope the author will consider it. My first read by Skye Warren, and it won't be my last!

Grade: A-

Wild and Steamy anthology

So far, I've read the first story by Meljean Brook....The Bounder. Absolutely loved it! It kicked total steampunk ass, and now I can't wait to read Heart Of Steel. I also read the second story in this anthology, Vixen by Jill Myles. This was nothing like the other stories I've read by her....pretty much an erotica about a were-fox. It's a menage...not my favorite. A lot of sex, not a lot of substance or anything else. It was a fun read, but seemed out of place next to The Bounder. Looking forward to finishing this book with Carolyn Crane's Kitten Tiger and the Monk.

Grade: A for Brook story, B- for Myles story

Doxology by Tim Black

This is a satirical book about a magical weenie dog. Nuff said. Hoping to get to it this week.

And.....drum roll please......the Holy Grail of ARCs.....

Restless in the Grave by Dana Stabenow

The latest book in the Liam Campbell series, which I got addicted to last year. It's coming out on Valentine's Day, but I was thrilled to get an ARC of this one. Can't. Wait. To. Read. It. Hallelujah!!!!!!

I also managed to cram in 2 comfort re-reads this weekend....Julie Garwood's The Bride, and Stephanie Laurens' All About Love. I'm feeling very romantic! :^)

Happy Monday,
Penelope

Mad Libs for Romance Reviewers and Authors

2012-01-08T08:15:00.001-05:00

Reviewers: Are you running out of original things to say about the books you read?

Authors: Need some new insulting comments to leave after crappy reviews?

Try the New And Improved MAD LIBS FOR ROMANCE REVIEWERS AND AUTHORS!!

Reviewers: Write your reviews in a matter of seconds! Come up with concise and entertaining observations!

Authors: Crush those idiotic reviewers with your scathing comments!

Give it a try.....

Review of [BOOK TITLE] by [AUTHOR NAME]

I found the hero of this book to be a

hot alpha male with a 14-inch penis.
metrosexual pansy-ass.
brooding bastard.

The heroine of the story was

a gentle, loving sex goddess who volunteered in a homeless shelter.
a skanky ho-bag.
a were-unicorn.

This book was a

fantastic mix of hot, sweaty sex and love-at-first-sight.
deranged sex fantasy, clearly thought up by a 13 year old boy.
DIK, if Hugh Jackman lived on the island and liked role play.

The sex scenes made me want to

join a convent.
hurl.
get it on with my next-door neighbor. And he's not even that cute. Seriously!

Overall, I thought the book was

the greatest piece of literature since Moby Dick.
a piece o' shite.
meh.

Rating

5 sparkling stars.
2 pathetic bookworms.
4 hearts filled with unicorns and rainbows and glitter and Cabbage Patch dolls.

Initial Authors' Comments

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my book.
Bite me.
Do you have a high school diploma? Just checking.

In Response To Reviewer Outrage

Why don't you try writing a book? F*ckwad.
Do you know that I'm dying of a terminal disease? I only have 2 months to live.
You obviously don't get the underlying important themes of Phantom Menace and its ramifications in modern-day society.

After Rabid Blogger Fan Girl Posse Attacks

Let me guess....your favorite TV show is Jersey Shore? Am I right?
If this book was too hard for you to understand, maybe you should try something a little bit easier. Like the Sunday comics.
Does it make you feel good to disparage someone's life work? I spent YEARS on this book. What have you done lately? No, writing a shopping list for Claire's doesn't count.

Final Wrap-Up For Reviewers

Add author to SUPER DOUCHE-BAG; NEVER BUY LIST.
Delete blog post.
Get banned from Goodreads for all of eternity and beyond.

Final Wrap-Up For Authors

Delete Twitter Account.
Send half-hearted apology to all involved.
Adopt a new identity and flee to Costa Rica.

Authors: Act now, and we'll throw in a new passport and over-sized sunglasses for identity protection!

Get your MAD LIBS FOR ROMANCE REVIEWERS AND AUTHORS today!

☺

Penny

Don't Be Hatin' On Nickelback

2012-01-07T10:31:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure why Nickelback gets so much crap. I love their music. And this video is superb. Then again, I also love Britney Spears, Celine Dion's Christmas Album, and I still wear glitter nail polish at the ripe old age of 45. I guess my taste might be suspect.

*Pause*

Nah!

Hope yinz all have a fabulous weekend!

Penelope

Beard of the Day: Steampunk Style

2012-01-06T06:00:00.001-05:00

I just finished reading The Blushing Bounder by Meljean Brook in Wild And Steamy. I forgot how totally cool her steampunk vision is, and now I can't wait to dig into Heart Of Steel, which is my next read. I decided to search for some cool steampunky beards, and lo and behold, I found Mr. Steampunk himself, Jake Von Slatt. This guy is obsessed with steampunk culture...in a good way. He has a website called The Steampunk Workshop, which is funky, inspired and filled with wacky inventions. I would have to say that goggles and beards are an excellent combination!

Happy Friday!
Penelope

Hot Writing Tips From Penelope

2012-01-05T06:00:00.002-05:00

I have been getting a ton of review requests lately....some good, some bad, some crazy, some totally out of left field. There are a lot of writers who are newbs doing the self-pubbing thing. Good for them. Some of them can write....even better. Some of them have potential, but need to learn a lot about the craft of writing. It's not that hard....you can pick it up at a workshop, class, conference, on-line, with a critique partner, with a critique group. But you gotta learn it. If I start reading a manuscript, and there are grammatical errors and/or typos in THE VERY FIRST SENTENCE, it's bad. Way bad. Here are the most glaring problems I have seen recently....

1. Tighten It Up, Baby.

Writing that is sloppy is boring. It's tedious to wade through a bunch of superfluous stuff. It throws off the pacing of the story. Here's an example.....

Tommy decided to take his new puppy for a walk around the neighborhood. He scratched the little dog behind his ears and tickled his tummy. The pup stretched and yawned and showed him his tiny pink tongue, hanging out of the side of his mouth. The dog bounced up and shook himself off vigorously, obviously ready to play. Tommy attached a green and red plaid leash on the collar, then tugged the dog toward the sidewalk. The tiny pup got sidetracked by a worm and began to dig in the dirt. Tommy dragged him along the grass.

What is the critical information in this paragraph? What does the reader need to know in order to move the story forward? Does it give us any clue about Tommy? Is the dog's personality important for the story? Can this paragraph be replaced by this sentence.....?

Tommy walked his dog.

I found a couple of stories lately that had pages of narrative that could be replaced by several sentences.

2. Omit The Stage Direction

Karen walked along the path to the old farmhouse. She took a right-hand turn at the mailbox, then continued on the brick sidewalk to the porch. She stomped up the porch steps, then went into the front door. At the back of the kitchen, she entered the parlor and sat down on the end of the sofa.

How about this instead?

Karen went home.

The reader doesn't need to know every step of her journey. Just get her to the destination. Too much stage direction slows down the narrative and bores the crap out of the reader.

3. Bag The Inane Details

My biggest pet peeve is when writers detail every single meal the characters eat throughout the course of the day. (I find this happens quite often with contemporary romance). Unless the story is about a caterer or a master pastry chef or something, we don't need to hear about every freakin' meal.

Sandy sat down at the table and fixed herself a ham and cheese sandwich. She made sure she used spicy mustard and a dill pickle, too. She got a diet Coke out of the refrigerator and then a napkin from the cupboard....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

Oh! I'm here. Just taking a little nap. Who the hell cares about a ham sandwich? Not me! This information is not critical to the story. Unless the hero is a pig farmer. Or a were-pig. Or something like that.

Other things that are sloppy...dangling participles, run-on sentences, dialogue/internal POV formatting problems, misspelled words, lack of agreement w/ subject/verb/pronouns.

I highly recommend newbs joining a critique group, even if it's on-line. Getting older, more experienced writers to help you tighten up your writing BEFORE you publish is an excellent idea.

And now, Penelope is off to walk the dog and get a delicious ham sandwich.....with mustard......

:^)

Harlies Come Lately: 2 Quickie Reviews

2012-01-04T06:50:00.000-05:00

The Other Laura by Sheryl Lynn

This is an old Harlequin Intrigue, published in 1996. I don't remember the last time I got so caught up in a romantic suspense. Usually, I put up with the plot/mystery/storyline while jumping from love scene to love scene, and watching the character arcs unfold. This book did a fabulous job with the suspense portion of the tale. The "heroine" has total amnesia after a horrible accident, and has been badly burned and disfigured--beyond recognition. Who is she? What does she know? What really happened on the day of the "accident"?? I love how the "new" Laura helps this whole family to heal and experience what a real, loving family should be. And how absolute strangers, who are supposed to be her husband and child, eventually win her heart and trust. But we're not quite sure who to trust in this tale, filled with twists, turns, and a totally satisfying storyline. Reminded me a little bit of Lisa Kleypas' Someone To Watch Over Me, especially the scene where Laura sees a nude portrait of herself. Highly recommend it.

Grade: A

The Heart of a Hero by Barbara Wallace

How to write a perfect book for Penelope?

1. Include an adorable weenie dog nicknamed The Tube Of Terror (love it!).
2. Have a hot, studly tortured ex-soldier/handyman hero (tool belt.....schwing!).
3. Add a newly divorced heroine who writes an advice column (bossy girl!).
4. Setting should be a Martha's Vineyard-type New England island....old rickety beach house, the ocean, and small-town charm.
5. Add lots of sexual chemistry, an emotional storyline involving the tormented soul of the hero, and a sweet, satisfying HEA in the epilogue.

Another great Harly read! I'm on a Harly roll, baby! Only one problem--if they served vegetarian Harly Rolls at a sushi bar, they would have carrots, cuke and avocado, but no wasabi. Good God, they need wasabi! I needed me some spicy lovin' in this book, but it's totally G-rated. Ack!

The emotional healing at the end of this book was just a tad rushed, but it was very sweet. I also loved that the heroine smelled like lemons coz....well....I love lemons! Anyhow, this is my third Harly this week. I think it might be time for a spanky elf book, just to get my equilibrium back.

Grade: A-

Harly Rolls 4-Evah,
Penelope

The Penelope Project

2012-01-03T08:47:00.000-05:00

A long time ago, I decided to choose a name for my romance alter ego. I chose Penelope, after reading Julia Quinn's Romancing Mr. Bridgerton. Penelope Featherington was an invisible wallflower on the outside, but a passionate and talented woman on the inside. As Mrs. Whistledown, she had the chutzpah and courage to say things most people think, but never speak aloud. I adore the romance that develops between charming Colin and spinsterish Penelope.....he finally sees beyond the plain facade, and discovers the real woman Penelope is. Sigh. What a story!

Anyhoo, inspired by the rash of 2012 reading challenges that many readers/bloggers are jumping into with open hearts and positive attitudes, I decided to make up my own challenge. (Because most of the other ones are totally intimidating to me.)

And so, I give you.....The Penelope Project.

How many books do you think I can find with heroines named Penelope? I have no freakin' clue, but so far I have amassed a list of fourteen...including mysteries, children's books, historicals, light BDSM, and The Odyssey. I wonder what kind of qualities most of these Penelope heroines will have....will they be prissy and uptight, as the name suggests? Will they be rough and tumble, courageous and curious, passionate and inspiring? I would love some more recommendations, so if you have any favorite Penelope books, please let me know!

Here's my list so far....

In For A Penny by Rose Lerner
Something Reckless by Jess Michaels
Penelope and The Christmas Spirit by Ron Voigts
The Ghost and Mrs. McClure by Alice Kimberly
A Rather Remarkable Homecoming by CA Belmond
A Rather Charming Invitation by CA Belmond
A Rather Curious Engagement by CA Belmond
A Rather Lovely Inheritance by CA Belmond
The Odyssey by Homer
The Corinthian by Georgette Heyer
Penelope and Prince Charming by Jennifer Ashley
Where The Heart Leads by Stephanie Laurens (re-read)
Romancing Mr. Bridgerton by Julia Quinn (re-read)
A Penny For Your Thoughts by Jess McBride (TSTL heroine, almost DNF)

I'm hoping to read at least one Penelope book a month in 2012. That's my challenge, and I'm sticking to it!

Hope all of you had a wonderful new year's celebration, and are pumped and ready for 2012.

Here's to a year of excellent reading, writing and arithmetic,

Penelope

Happy New Year! I'm In The Bargain Bin, & I Like It!

2012-01-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year To One And All!

I hope all of you had a festive New Year's Eve. I had a great time at a neighborhood party....good friends, good food, Just Dance 3, and my memorable Gingerbread Man cocktail. Although I noticed folks were nursing that baby....for hours. I gulped mine down in a respectable 2 minutes, thank you very much. And I don't even have a hang-over! Go, Penny!

For the first time ever, I've been marked down. Yes, I am now officially in the bargain bin, and it feels soooooo good. Hee hee!

SWEET INSPIRATION is now $2.99!!!!!! Act now, and I'll throw in some stale candy canes. (That was a joke, by the way. I mean the part about the candy canes. Not the part about my book being on sale.)

SWEET MAGIK is now $5.75!!!!!

Savvy shoppers who like to get Christmas wrap on sale after the holidays, and hideous holiday sweaters, and other Christmas-related stuff that is suddenly so "yesterday".......here ya go! A couple of holiday books that will be totally hip and happening in 359 days. :^)

Well, I'm off to slurp my first cup of 2012 coffee. Here's a photo of me ready to party last night: note the purple glitter nail polish, big hair, sequiny sweater, and plenty of bling. Subtle, I hardly knew ya.

Happy January 1st!

Penelope

It's (Almost) A Brand New Year!

2011-12-31T06:00:00.004-05:00

I started to write a blog post about my serious new year's resolutions. It was all heavy and profound....and totally laaaaaaaaaaame.

So instead, I decided to do this! Enjoy!

Penelope's 2012 New Year's Resolutions

1. Wear More Sparkly Nail Polish

A quick and efficient way to jazz up your day....I highly recommend it! (So does my 9 year old).

2. Make My Hair Bigger And Blonder

Some things never go out of style. (At least in my own mind).

3. Add To My Sequin Collection

If I'm going to be a glamorous romance novelist, I might as well look the part.

4. Collect Humiliating Sweaters For My Weenie Dog And Force Her To Wear Them

She'll thank me when she's older.

5. Watch More Hideously Bad Made-For-TV Movies On The SyFy Channel

(With Option To Turn Decapitation Events Into Drinking Game)

There's not a lot to do in suburbia on Saturday night. Believe me.

6. Leave No Stone (Or Log Cabin) Unturned Searching For The World's Greatest Beard

Too bad I can't get paid for this.....

7. Banish The Bunnies From My Garden

As God is my witness, I will have a pea crop this year! Bunnies Beware!

8. Work On A Top Secret Project (It May Involve Hugh Jackman, But My Lips Are Sealed....)

No amount of torture will force me to reveal this secret....although I am open to bribes.

9. ~~Read More P*rn~~. ~~Read More Spanky Elf Books~~. Read More.

Making easy-to-accomplish goals builds self-esteem.

10. Be Happy

Simple is always best.

To all of my readers.....

Have A Wonderful New Year!

Cowboys, Aliens, & Some More Spanky Time

2011-12-30T06:00:00.009-05:00

What have I been doing during vacation week? Watching movies and reading romance novels!

Updates....

1.) Cowboys and Aliens

Boy, was I excited to see this one! Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, and a totally cool sci-fi premise: Aliens dropped into an old-timey western. Unfortunately, the premise was better than the execution. The pacing was too slow, and the movie was neither a classic western nor a high-octane sci fi movie. It was somewhere in the middle. Had some good moments, Daniel Craig was perfectly cast in this one, Harrison Ford was pretty good.....but the aliens after gold storyline? Meh. Best part of the movie? When my daughter said, "Why does he keep kicking everyone in the nuts? Is that his signature move or something?" Why, yes....yes, it is.

Natty gave this one 3.5 stars.

2.) Super 8

Now that's what I'm talking about! This was a freakin' fantastic movie. More aliens....this time, a train wreck gives an alien the chance to escape captivity and cause a big ole ruckus. Great cast of kids, perfect balance of stark, cold reality vs. paranormality. It was quirky, touching, and had an excellent hand-holding moment (you know how I feel about that...my favorite gesture!). And as an added bonus, Ron Eldard has a totally kick-ass 70s beard thing going on.

Natty gave this one 4.5 stars. I give it 5!

3.) Snow Job by Delphine Dryden

I packed in one more holiday story. And I'm so glad I did! Delphine Dryden has some excellent writing chops. How do I know this? I forgot I was reading. I was so immersed in this story, I read the whole thing at once. Honestly, I shouldn't have liked this as much as I did. It was a contemporary w/ a sort of borderline-douchey estranged hubby (didn't like his sexual tactics to get his wife back), a sometimes irritating judgmental wife (can you say "tree-hugger"?), and a pretty mellow storyline (estranged couple thrown together for a "fake" Christmas celebration). Nevertheless, I absolutely loved this book. Dryden's writing is fantastic....smooth and mellow like the finest ~~eggnog~~ ~~whiskey~~ buttery toffee candy. Yeah, that's it! Candy! I really really really really like her writing. And even though some of the sex scenes made me slightly uncomfortable (the little wifey was filled w/ guilt), they were hot! Karl was a fine example of husband-turned-alpha-male-to-get-the-little-wifey back. Although he had some douchey moments, I ended up rooting for him, and hoping Elyce would drop the fig-up-his-ass-tree-hugger-wanna-be-boyfriend faster than some recycled cardboard. And she did! And, as an added bonus....there was some spanky time! Which means that every single holiday erotica I read this year was spanky. Spanky hanky-holiday-panky.

Grade: A-

Well, that's the wrap-up for Friday. Looking forward to the New Year's Eve party....I have a sequin-y sweater that's ready for action!

Ciao,
Penny

Purging The Dog House

2011-12-29T06:00:00.001-05:00

I have noticed something about myself lately. And it isn't very flattering. (No, I'm not talking about my thighs). What I'm talking about is my penchant for holding grudges.

I didn't used to be this way. I used to be fairly easy-going. If someone pissed me off or offended me in some way, I would just laugh about it, immediately clear the air, and move on.

Somehow, paired with white hairs, wrinkles, and a less-than-stellar heart, I have developed the ability to hold grudges in an Olympic size manner. In fact, if they handed out gold medals for grudge-holding, I am sure I would be standing on the podium with a Janet Jackson song blaring on the loud-speakers behind me. My grudges are large and small, real and probably imagined, profound and absurd. Anything from professional back-stabbing to leaving dog shit on my yard is grounds for a Penelope Grudge.

My dog house is so packed, it's about to explode. Lots of folks are in the dog house, and I realized something today.

I need to let it all go. It's time to purge the dog house.

The insults, betrayals, broken promises, hurt feelings, ego-crushing incidents, patronizing comments, and petrified dog poops are being purged. Today.

In preparation for a new year in 2012, I am cleaning out the dog house.

My tolerance for bull shit was extremely low after my heart attack. If someone pissed me off, I immediately announced "She is dead to me." That elicited some chuckles from my husband. Until I was surrounded by so many "dead people," it was like the zombie apocalypse.

Time to re-establish tolerance. Time to regain that laid-back attitude. Time to approach 2012 with a clean slate.

Maybe if the dog house is purged, there will be room for a new dachshund puppy. Then it won't really matter how many dog poops are on the front lawn, will it?

It's hard to be good,
Penelope

ARC Review of Something To Prove by Cathryn Parry

2011-12-28T09:57:00.000-05:00

Review of Something To Prove by Cathryn Parry

As most of you know, I am not a huge lover of Harlequins. (I like to call them Harlies...☺). I find many of them too shallow, too formulaic, and too generic. I guess the Superromance series are longer, and because of that the author has more time for character and relationship development. Which is a good thing. Harlequin still loves the hard-to-believe totally convoluted plotlines, love-at-first sight premise, and chiseled six-pack-abs kind of hero (I'm right on board with that last one!).

Anyhoo, Something To Prove has a difficult-to-swallow plotline. It involves secrets and betrayal and ambition, etc etc. It's a typical Harly sort of thing, which I just over-looked, because I really don't give a crap about plot. I give a crap about characters. Characters make the story. Plot schmott. And the characters in this book are excellent. Parry does an amazing job creating a ski legend hero running scared, but dedicated to his team, a journalist heroine who is loyal and loving with her sister, and has been crushed by a son-of-a-bitch father, and plenty of interesting secondary characters who are not just thrown into the book for no good reason, but actually help to paint a fuller portrait of the leads. Most importantly, in spite of the crazy storyline and instant love/lust-at first sight, the chemistry between the hero and heroine is totally believable. Parry does an excellent job with their chemistry, growing trust for each other, and eventually, love.

This is Parry's debut novel, and I am impressed with her writing. Something To Prove is a rock-solid debut, which showcases her writing skills, talent with character development, and ability to create an emotional and satisfying story. What is also showcases is her potential. As I was reading, I felt myself wishing that the author could slip out of the Harly restraints for a bit, and let herself go. Outside of the formula, outside of the box. This new author has a lot of potential, and I hope she gets a chance to let it shine.

Grade: B

(This is an ARC Review. Something To Prove will be released on January 3, 2012.)

All my best,
Penelope

Vacation Week: Reading, Writing & The Ultimate Easy Bake Oven

2011-12-27T07:45:00.000-05:00

We have now entered.....the post-December 25th phase of the year. Which means....I'm done!

Any and all promotional events pertaining to the sales and dissemination of the Klaus Brothers Series have officially ceased.

Cause, let's face it....no one wants to read about Santa and the North Pole after Christmas is over. And that's fine with me. I'm freakin' exhausted.

I would just like to say.......

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

.....to everyone who bought my book, read my book, discussed my book, sent me fan emails (hee hee! so cool!), wrote reviews about my book, left messages for me on Facebook, recommended my book to their friends, and all of you who have been supportive, wonderful and generally cool.

God bless winter vacation week! Lots of reading, relaxing, and wasting time cooking minuscule baked goods in the Ultimate Easy Bake Oven (Natty's favorite xmas gift!)

On the reading horizon....

✵ Just finished reading Cathryn Parry's debut Harly novel, Something To Prove. A solid debut, emotional story. Review coming soon.

✵ Started reading Snow Job, a holiday erotica by Delphine Dryden. I won this in a giveaway...looks cute!

✵ TBR this week.... The Heart Of A Hero by Barbara Wallace. It has a weenie dog in it! Yippee!

✵ Also on the TBR pile....Where the Heart Leads by Stephanie Laurens. I actually read this a while ago, but I'm re-reading it and reviewing it for my new project, called The Penelope Project. I am reading books with heroines named Penelope. If you have any suggestions, please let me know!

Happy Day!
Penelope

ARC Review of Xavier's Loving Arms by KT Grant

2011-12-26T06:00:00.001-05:00

Review of Xavier's Loving Arms by KT Grant

This story looked appealing to me for a couple of reasons....1.) a multi-cultural couple (I'm part of a multi-cultural couple) and 2.) Xavier has a goatee (I like goatees). Anyway, I really had no idea what this book was about when I started reading it. In fact, I wasn't exactly sure who the hero was supposed to be. We are introduced to Dev, who kept wavering back and forth between being a good guy and a douche. I wasn't sure if he was going to end up being the hero or not. Grant keeps the reader guessing, and does an excellent job making Dev a complex character, with both good and bad qualities.

I finally figured out that Xavier would be the hero, and what a great hero he is! A kind, thoughtful, sexy family man who is protective and loving of Rebecca, the heroine. I'm not usually a big fan of beta heroes, but Xavier is perfect for this story. Rebecca is incredibly vulnerable....she has a borderline abusive ex-boyfriend, a devastating eating disorder, financial woes, and a sick grandmother. She needed someone kind and supportive, not a caveman ready to drag her off to the mountains.

Even though this seems like a lot of problems for one poor heroine to deal with, they don't seem unbelievable in this story. There are plenty of people dealing w/ financial difficulties, emotional difficulties and self-esteem issues. The great part of this book is how Becca survives all these things, determined to do it on her own, but learning that love and friendship can ease her burden.

As a former eating disorder patient (I had anorexia when I was younger), I found Grant's portrayal of Becca especially heartening. Women suffering from eating disorders have control issues. They need to feel like they are not totally powerless about their lives. Dev (who is alpha-possessive) wants Becca to quit her jobs, let him pay off her mortgage and take care of her. On the flip side, Xavier helps her get a job interview for a better position. In spite of Xavier's overprotective streak, he understands that Becca needs to help herself, not be babied and coddled. That is a huge part of recovering from an eating disorder. This level of understanding made me really fall in love with Xavier.

This book packs it in. There are numerous secondary characters, story lines involving Becca's grandmother, jobs, ex-boyfriend, and home. And of course, there is a highly lusty relationship going on, as well. (This is an erotica after all). The sex part of the story was the weakest part...it didn't detract from the story, but it wasn't really necessary either. This book would have done just as well, if not better, as a romance instead of an erotica. The meat and potatoes of this story is the emotional journey for Becca. Xavier was sexy because of his caring, compassionate nature.

After experiencing this bumpy journey with Becca, the HEA was a wonderful ending to the story. She finally found hope for her future, a chance at recovery, and a man to share her life with. (I teared up a bit at the end....sap!)

To be honest, I was not expecting such an emotional and touching story. Most erotica that I've been reading lately has been about spanky elves. This book takes some very real and troubling issues, and handles them perfectly. The girl gets the guy and a happy ending. Every woman who has struggled with body issues or an eating disorder needs this message of hope.

Grade: A-/B+

(This is an ARC review; Xavier's Loving Arms will be available for purchase on Friday, December 30.)

Pleased As A Peacock,
Penny

Beard Of The Day

2011-12-24T06:00:00.001-05:00

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

CLEMENT CLARKE MOORE, Twas the Night Before Christmas

Random And Excellent

2011-12-23T06:00:00.003-05:00

Scott Fiander has done it again! Made me laugh so hard my dog freaked out. He was inspired by several of my recent posts. The illustration above, titled "Penny In The ER" is a reference to my trip to the ER. The one below, "Christmas Spirit In A Candy Cane" was inspired by yesterday's post. How I love these! Merry Christmas to me. Thanks, Scott!

And in other excellent, random news, I made a Random Booklist for 2011....twice! Melissa, of Melissa's Eclectic Bookshelf, listed Sweet Inspiration as Best Foodie Book and Most Embarrassing Book Cover....hee hee! Excellent! And totally random.

Also, Dead Trees and Silver Screens gave Sweet Magik an A+ review yesterday....She calls it "A perfect Christmas fantasy!" I am feeling tingly all over.

ETA: Another great 5-star review....from Got Erotic Romance..."Penny Watson has a charming style I just can't get enough of." Yippee-i-ay!

Last day of school, start of Christmas vacation, time to watch Santa Claus Is Coming To Town! Yee haw!

Happy, happy, random, excellent day!
Penelope

The True Meaning Of Christmas: Candy

2011-12-22T09:09:00.000-05:00

I've spent the last several days shopping for the holiday. People are grumpy. They are driving like insane lunatics....um, let me modify that. They are driving even more insanely than they normally do in Boston. Which means they have a Starbucks cup in one hand, a cell phone in the other, are giving you the finger, texting, whipping the steering wheel over to cut you off, cussing you out, and generally behaving like a professional athlete. They are also driving a jumbo SUV larger than a submarine. Which is a necessity when you have 2 kids. Right?

Folks are fighting to the death for a parking space at the mall. They are hitting their children in public. They are yelling at the poor salespeople for no good reason.

So, yesterday, after another day of shopping--yippee! I'm done...I'm done!---I decided to go grocery shopping. This also involves risking life and limb for a parking spot, getting rammed by little old ladies in the store, and wanting to curl up and die in the produce section.

My main purpose for this mission was to find candy canes for the kids. I hang tins on their doorknobs on Christmas Eve, and "Santa" leaves them candy canes. They come downstairs on Christmas morning crunching candy canes with big smiles on their faces.

I found a large selection of gorgeous, hand-made candy canes. With weird flavors...apple pie, cherry, butterscotch. I've never seen a candy cane that wasn't peppermint-flavored. The store manager was standing next to the candy cane display, and I asked him if the candy really tasted like all that stuff. He said it was delicious. Then he disappeared.

As I strolled away, I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Here, Ma'am, try this." The manager had broken open a candy cane for me, and offered me a piece. We stood there in the middle of the store, as the crowd hustled around us, and munched on candy canes together. And they were delicious.

I wished him a Merry Christmas. And he wished me a Merry Christmas.

☃☃☃☃

Penny

And This, My Good Friends, Is Why You Need A Sense Of Humor

2011-12-21T07:01:00.001-05:00

This book is too sickly sweet.
This book is so sweet! It's filled with Christmas spirit.
I love Nicholas and Lucy.
I hate Nicholas and Lucy.
I love that Nicholas has a beard.
I hate that Nicholas has a beard.
This is very well-written.
This book is terrible.
This book is charming.
This book is wacky.
I love the cover.
I hate the cover.

And my favorite...
I want to burn this book because Phantom Menace is clearly the worst Star Wars movie ever made.

All In A Day's Work, My Friends
Penelope

One Wacky Book, One Confused Look & A Cookie Right Hook

2011-12-20T06:16:00.000-05:00

(Best Blog Post Title Ever!....What do you mean it's supposed to make sense?)

1. The Wacky Book.... Gabriel's Woman by Robin Schone. This was one of the weirdest, wackiest, most confusing, bizarre, sexual, and surprisingly compelling books I have read. I have never been so confused at the beginning of the book. Who was the first man? Who was the second man? Who the hell was Michel? Who was the other woman? The evil woman? The evil man? The angel? Gabriel? Remember that scene in Moonstruck where the grandfather says "I'm so confused!" and he has tears in his eyes? That was me reading the beginning of this book.

Then we got to the internal dialogue. Which went on and on and on and on...for the entire book. Super melodramatic. Sentence fragments. For emphasis.

Extremely raw, blatantly sexual love scenes.

A horribly tortured hero, which reminded me of Zsadist in many ways. Raped, body and soul, almost beyond redemption. But the love and understanding of a remarkable woman brought him back from the edge. Gave him hope. Gave him a future. (Notice my sentence fragments...hee hee!).

The plot line (when I finally figured it out) became very suspenseful and engaging. Although the final climatic scene was totally over the top. Nevertheless, I kept going because Gabriel and Victoria were fascinating characters and I wanted to see what was going to happen to them. By the end, I couldn't put this book down.

It was often heart-breaking, very intense, and strangely satisfying. I almost DNFed it at the beginning because I had no freakin' clue what was going on. By the final page, I was a Robin Schone fan. I'm not sure how it happened exactly, but she got me.

Grade: A

2. The Confused Look.....

5 stars = A
4 stars = B
3 stars = C
2 stars = D
1 star = F

No matter how Goodreads wants to redefine the star system, them's the breaks. 2 stars is not a good book. It is almost failing. I don't know how Goodreads decided that 2 stars is "okay" but clearly someone was on crack when he made that decision. I'm never sure when I see a "2" rating at Goodreads if the person means a real 2 (bad) or a Goodreads 2 (okay). Those are two hugely different things in my opinion. The confusion continues.....

3. A Cookie Right Hook....

It was an epic battle of good vs. evil. Penny, in one corner, wearing her elf apron and wielding a cookie sheet like a shield. In the other corner, Lace Cookies. Penny had faced Lace Cookies in the past and won. Feeling cocky, she whipped up a batch when the unthinkable happened. The mother f*ckin' cookies stuck to the tin foil on the cookie sheet. Ravaged, crumbled beyond recognition, the cookies taunted her from the counter. (Her daughter Natalie hungrily snatched up the debris and announced "These taste delicious.") Penny conceded defeat. (Although half of the 2nd batch turned out okay). Nevertheless, in this battle, on this day, Lace Cookies kicked Penny's ass.

If you are feeling lucky, and would like to attempt these mother f*ckin' cookies, here is the recipe. Sam Wayland, author extraordinaire and cookie master, gave me the recipe. She is clearly more skilled in the culinary arts than I am.

AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I WILL AVENGE MYSELF! MOTHER F*CKIN' LACE COOKIES, BEWARE! WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT, PENNY WILL JUMP OUT AND DESTROY YOUR CRISPY GOODNESS!

Here's the recipe.....

Sam's Lace Cookies
by Sam Wayland, author of Destiny Calls and With Grace

(do not attempt these if you have high blood pressure, anxiety disorder, or a tendency to whip things with a rolling pin).....

Ingredients

1/2 c. butter, melted
1 c. brown sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 c. oatmeal (quick oats)
2 tsp flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 c. rice crispies or other cold, crunchy cereal

Mix in order, stir well, drop by tsp on tin foil covered cookie sheets or Teflon cookie sheets. Bake at 350 for 10 minutes until there is a dark ring around outer edge. (Penny's tip: Make sure cookies are very flat, and well-browned. If you remove them too early, they will stick to the mother f*ckin' cookie sheet and you will cuss like a sailor). COOL COMPLETELY before picking off tin foil. Then you sort of peel away the tin foil and the cookies are left behind.

Good luck!!!!!!!

Penny

P.S. Please stop by Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Books today to check out a post I did about holiday inspiration and cocktails! :^)

December Joyathon At Romancing Rakes

2011-12-19T09:41:00.000-05:00

Please stop by Romancing Rakes today to chat with me and win a copy of SWEET MAGIK.

Happy Monday!
Penny

Walking On Sunshine

2011-12-18T09:54:00.000-05:00

Another excellent 1980s bit o' music. Here is Katrina and the Waves singing Walking On Sunshine.

Have a Sunny Sunday,

Penelope

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program....

2011-12-17T08:53:00.000-05:00

Nothing like 24 hours in the emergency room getting an EKG, blood work, chest X-ray, more EKGs, and a stress test to bring home the true meaning of Christmas.....

Cocktails.

☺Just kidding. Due to ill effects of a new med (which I figured out 24 hours later), I experienced chest pain on Thursday night, went to the ER, got a whole bunch of stuff done, and ended up not leaving the damned hospital until almost 24 hours later. The good news: I'm fit as a fiddle, and my heart is doing great. No blood clots. Everything is A-OK. The bad news: I was in the ER for 24 freakin' hours. Cripes.

(Just as an aside, I find it extremely irritating that you cannot wear a bra while doing the stress-test. Jogging on a treadmill without a brassiere is a super bad idea).

So, I'll be taking it easy this weekend and enjoying time w/ the family. My son brought me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers in the hospital, and my daughter refused to sit down because it was a "germ-fest in here."

This week I'm shopping for the kids and my hubby, which I love to do. And planning a Christmas dinner. My husband is making his famous beef tenderloin with 3 sauces....white, red and green. Cute!

Happy Weekend To All,

Penelope

If You Take The "Maul" Out Of The An-i-maul, All You Have Left Is Zzzzzz......

2011-12-15T08:36:00.001-05:00

If you ask me what I think is the most boring thing in the world, I will answer without hesitation.

Politics.

(Also.......watching golf on TV).

I fall asleep reading about politics. I fall asleep watching news shows about politics. I fall asleep when people start talking about politics.

Zzzzzzz........

So, I can't think of a better way to crush a potentially exciting story than to smother it with politics.

In theory, paranormal romance about animal shape-shifters is a brilliant concept. Animals are primitive, loyal, brutal. These stories should be filled with excitement, sensuality, chemistry, passion, intensity and even violence. What could be more intense than animalistic sex? What could be more powerful than loyalty to a mate?

So what would be the #1 way to mess up a shifter story? Add politics. A lot of politics. Instead of focusing on the animal, focus on the most boring-ass part of "human" society. *Yawn*

If you take the animal out of the animal shifter story, all you have left is stupid-ass humans. Bor-ing.

Christine Feehan gets the appeal of animal shifters. She focuses on the animal in its habitat. She really gets into their heads. Think like one. Smell like one. Hunt like one. Kill like one. Love like one. The focus of her shifter stories is the characters, what motivates them, how they behave and how the animal part of their personalities dictates their lives. These books are totally satisfying reads. I love them!

I just finished reading Jennifer Ashley's Bodyguard and I was underwhelmed. Too much politics. Too much focus on the plot/storyline. Where was the animalistic, hot and heavy sex scenes? Missing in action. I find that Shelly Laurenston's shifter books, as well as Lora Leigh's breeder series, also do the same thing. By focusing too much on the human-side of things, including the political structure of these societies, they have squashed the animalistic excitement right out of the story.

If the hero of a story is a gigantic Kodiak bear, I'm jonesing for some gigantic, bear-sized sex scenes.

ROAR!

Thinking that a spanky elf could have helped out that story, too (which is worrisome),
Penelope

In Defense Of Spoilers

2011-12-14T08:46:00.000-05:00

I have been following an interesting thread at Amazon where folks are discussing the pros and cons of spoilers, among other issues. Here are some thoughts on the subject.....

First of all, there is a difference between stating an "opinion" of a book, and writing a review. For example...

This is an "opinion".... That book sucked.

This is a "review".... That book sucked because of poor writing, shallow characterization, too much purple prose, and unresolved conflict.

This is an even better review..... That book sucked because of poor writing (do you not know how to spell "captin"?), shallow characterization (we never got to see any deep POV for Charlie's character), too much purple prose ("your petals are filled with the sweetest dew") and unresolved conflict (what happened to the sister trapped in a Turkish prison)?

In other words, an opinion is just a statement with nothing to back it up. A review should be supported by details. Specific details make it even better.

I have an academic background. You always, always, always, support your hypothesis. You cite specific examples from the text to back up your claim. It's still an opinion. What I consider purple prose someone else might think is the best writing since the holy bible. But at least I am supporting my point of view with details.

This is why I use spoilers in my reviews. This is also why I usually don't read full reviews of books until AFTER I have read them. I don't want to spoil the read for myself, but I enjoy checking out other folks' opinions after the fact.

It is possible to write a general review that includes basic details without including spoilers. I do it all the time. It just sounds like a more generic review. "Great pacing, lovely setting, beautiful love story!" This is fine. But this is even better..... "The moment when Zsadist scribbles 'I love you' on a scrap of paper and hands it to Bella is one of the most touching scenes I have ever read in a romance." It's a spoiler, but it also captures what is magical about that book.

So, those are my deep thoughts for the day!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday,
Penelope

Didn't See That One Coming

2011-12-13T06:00:00.005-05:00

And in somewhat unexpected news yesterday, the following occurred....

1. Aliens landed in Hollywood and kidnapped the Kardashian family.
2. Santa Claus announced his retirement and subsequent relocation to Aruba.
3. My daughter ate something healthy.
4. RT Book Reviews reviewed Sweet Magik in a Web-Exclusive Review.

I know. I know. You're shaking your head and thinking "Sure, Penny, RT Book Reviews reviewed your little Christmas story. Uh huh."

Haaa Haaaa Haaa Haaaaaa!!!!!!!!! Craziness!!!!!!

Anyhow, it's a very nice review. Here are some snippets and here is the link to the full review:

"This book starts with a crazy premise and it just gets wackier as it goes." Holy crap! That is so true! It is wacky!

"....there are some surprisingly sweet moments." Sweet! I love sweet!

"Sweet Magik will surely help readers get into the Christmas spirit, at least those readers that are willing to suspend disbelief and go along for a ride to the North Pole." Hot diggity damn, that's awesome!

Okay, I am done hyperventilating, dancing a jig, and checking to make sure one of my friends isn't playing a practical joke on me.

(Julia--you better not be playing a practical joke on me!!)

Pretty sure she's not.

Hope everyone has a great day! (Wouldn't it be great if aliens really did kidnap the Kardashians?)

Penny

Penelope's Top 20 List For 2011

2011-12-12T06:00:00.003-05:00

It's that time again! Time for Penelope's World-Famous Top 20 List....Enjoy!

1. Best Book With The Word "Penis" In The Title: The Princess and The Penis by RJ Silver

I thought it was a joke. But the joke was on me. The Princess and The Penis is the best self-pubbed book I've read this year. It's well-written, clever and laugh-out-loud funny. And it's written by a little green alien. Who knew?

2. Best Amish Romance: Jacob's Return by Annette Blair

Annette Blair never ceases to amaze me. She can write snappy mysteries, quirky romances, and emotional tear-jerker Amish stories. Jacob's Return is a powerful and intense love story. I bawled my eyes out at the end, and fell in love with this book.

3. Biggest Pansy-Ass Metrosexual: Roarke from JD Robb's Naked In Death

In spite of receiving death threats in Bertucci's from a rabid fan, I am sticking to my guns about Roarke. Based on the first book of the series, Naked In Death, I don't get the appeal. While Eve kicked butt, Roarke drank wine. Give me a freakin' break! I am firmly ensconced in the "I-Don't-Love-Roarke" brigade. I have a membership card and everything. (I appear to be the sole member of this club).

4. Most Over-Priced Quickie About A Horny Alien Gorilla Dude From Outer Space: Dementia

Here's the book synopsis in a nutshell.... It's a 30 page quickie about a super horny alpha male gorilla alien dude from outer space who kidnaps an earth girl to use as a sex slave, chases after her in the jungle, and then she gets trapped by a super horny alien plant that fondles her sex organs and tries to suck her dry until she goes completely insane (hence the title Dementia), but then the "hero" finds her and boinks her for most of the 30 pages, and then they decide they are hopelessly in love with each other.

Any questions?

5. Most Misleading Cover: Northern Fascination by Jennifer LaBrecque

The cover shows a rugged bearded hero wearing a plaid shirt, with six-pack abs and ripped jeans. The hero in this book is actually an executive weenie who goes to Alaska to buy out an entire town. His only "tool" is a Blackberry. Oh Harly, how could you?

6. Best Cougar Story: The Unidentified Redhead by Alice Clayton

I could not stop laughing out loud at this hilarious, sexy cougar story. (And I don't even like cougar stories). This book has awesome pop culture references, smoky hot sex scenes, and an adorable British hero. It's a sure thing.

7. Best Sci-Fi Erotica: Captured by Julia Rachel Barrett

What if aliens came to Earth to capture humans and auction us off as a food source? This is the premise for Barrett's excellent sci-fi erotica Captured. I found it suspenseful, thought-provoking, and intelligent. Another winning story by Julia.

8. Characters I Most Want To Hit Over The Head With A Cast-Iron Skillet: Shelly Laurenston's Beasts.

They're immature, horny, foul-mouthed, hyper and the most unlikable characters I have ever encountered. I seem to be in the minority, because most folks love this series. I would really love to ding them over the head with a cast-iron skillet, although I don't think that would do any good. They would just pop back up and yell "bitch"!!!!

9. Best Cocktail Of The Year: The Gingerbread Man

This ain't your mamma's gingerbread recipe, baby. Bailey's, schnapps, and vodka will knock you on your ass faster than you can say "Ho, ho, ho!"

10. Most Disturbing Use Of A Jar Of Honey: Bearotica

I found my limit with hairy dudes, and it was Bearotica. This compilation of gay male "bear" stories was poorly-written, often disturbing, and liberally sprinkled with pots of honey. My therapist thinks I'll recover by 2015.

11. Favorite Spanky Elf Christmas Story: Santa's Wayward Elf by Paige Tyler

What do you get when you mix the mob, a naughty elf, a hot cop, and the Big Apple? One fun spanky elf story! Spanking and Santa Claus seemed to be the theme of the month for holiday erotica.

12. Best Multi Boy Band Concert: NKOTBSB

The New Kids On The Block and The Backstreet Boys might be old, they might be bald, and their voices might crack on occasion, but they still got the moves! There's nothing like Donnie Wahlberg ripping off his T-shirt and showing off some fine-looking abs. A sublime moment of musical history, I'm sure.

13. Best Zombie Mash-Up: Jane Slayre by Sherri Erwin

It takes a lot of chutzpah to zombify a well-beloved classic like Jane Eyre. Erwin has managed to add humor and horror into the classic tale, and transform Jane into an empowered monster-slayer. Me likey!

14. New Favorite Mystery Series: The Liam Campbell Series by Dana Stabenow

I sucked down this whole series in a matter of days. These books have got it all....stunning Alaskan setting, conflicted romance, fascinating storylines, and even a bit of the paranormal. Killer series. (And I mean that both ways).

15. Best Book With Marauding Cavemen, The Bermuda Triangle, T Rex, Plane Wrecks, Time Warps, and Hot Conquistadors: Island Heat by Jill Myles

This book was right up my wacky alley. It packed everything into one story, and for some crazy reason, it worked. Surprisingly, it's the only book nominated in this category.

16. Best Beard: Nash in Winter Woman

Nash is a pioneer who lives a brutal life in the wilderness. He is wild and raggedy and beardy. A big, scraggly beard. (Which he unfortunately shaves off, but let's pretend that didn't happen, shall we?). The pioneer beard wins. Also known as The Pa Ingalls Beard Of Achievement.

17. Best Steampunk: The Iron Duke by Meljean Brook

I'm hoping that I never experience a zombie apocalypse, or a world like Brook's steampunk vision. Dark, disturbing, fascinating, scary as hell. What an incredible back-drop for a love story! This book is excellent.

18. Best Heroine

This is always a toughie. I adored Thalia in Zoe Archer's Warrior....she is a beautiful, strong-willed and loyal woman, and the perfect match for her hero. I also loved Cordelia in Winter Woman. She transforms herself from a scrawny city girl into a heroic pioneer. Linnet in Eloisa James' When Beauty Tamed The Beast is a wonderful mix of contradictions...vain and lovely, sharp and thoughtful. And Mina in The Iron Duke is a phenomenal heroine...brave and resourceful and passionate. But the #1 heroine for the year is.....none other than Jane from Jane Eyre. Despite all obstacles and heart-break, she maintains her strength, her integrity, and her love. Jane is a wonder, and my favorite heroine of 2011.

19. Best Hero

I met some very cool heroes this year. Max in The Reluctant Nude was quirky and charming and endearing. Nash in Winter Woman was like a big wounded bear dedicated to keeping his new woman safe and protected in the wilderness. Piers, in Eloisa James' When Beauty Tamed The Beast, is one of the greatest heroes I've ever seen. Brilliant and blunt and angry. What a wonderful love story! But my pick for Best Hero of 2011 is the quintessential wounded soul, Rocky McRochester from Jane Eyre. Edward Rochester is filled with passion, and flaws, and pride. And love. I adore his long-winded monologues. I adore his melodramatic proclamations. I adore his acceptance and love for Jane. Hot damn, Rocky is the one!

20. Best Book

I read some doozies this year. (No, I'm not talking about Bearotica!). Shadowfever wrapped up Karen Marie Moning's epic series with a bang. It was an extraordinary journey, filled with incredible imagery and drama. The Iron Duke was a stunning steampunk vision, Warrior was a passion-filled adventure, and When Beauty Tamed The Beast was a perfect bit of storytelling. Winter Woman, an oldie but goodie, was one that I will re-read again and again. But the best read of the year was a classic that I was lucky to discover at the ripe old age of 45. Why I waited that long, I have no idea. Jane Eyre is my kind of story. It takes you to the edge of the abyss, a place filled with despair and tragedy, and then it brings you hope. It gives you joy and love and hope for the future, as a man crushed by tragedy embraces his soulmate and salvation. Holy macarena.....that is one of the greatest final scenes ever! EVER! I had a wonderful reading year in 2011, and Jane Eyre was the greatest gift of all.

All My Best,
Penelope

Mexican Wedding Cookies

2011-12-10T08:36:00.000-05:00

This weekend's agenda: Get Christmas tree. Put up Christmas decorations. Mail Christmas cards. Listen to Christmas music. Watch "Elf" for the 10 billionth time.

Notice a theme?

We are also baking Christmas cookies for a Christmas Cookie Party. One of our favorite family cookie recipes is this one for Mexican Wedding Cookies. My mom used to make these every year. Yum!

Mexican Wedding Cookies

Ingredients:

2 c. flour

1 c. butter, softened

1/2 c. sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 c. finely ground pecans

powdered sugar

Beat first 5 ingredients at low speed until just mixed. Then increase speed to medium until mixture is light and fluffy. Stir in pecans. Wrap dough in plastic wrap and chill for about 2 hours. Roll into 1 inch balls. Place on ungreased cookie sheet about 1" apart. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes (or until lightly browned). Cool slightly, then roll in powdered sugar. Cool completely, then roll again. Eat 'em up!

Happy Weekend!
Penelope

Holiday Reading Recommendations From Penelope

2011-12-09T06:00:00.026-05:00

In spite of the fact that I have read a couple of stinker holiday romances lately, I still love this sub-genre. It's not enough to have your story take place at Christmas-time. A real Christmas romance should have some underlying themes that are Christmas-related....things like generosity of heart, love of family, belief in Christmas magic, the occurrence of miracles. (And for holiday erotica, lots of spanking....hee hee!) Here are some of my favorite Christmas reads....

1. Under The Mistletoe by Mary Balogh

Historical romance lends itself very well to Christmas-themed stories. Mary Balogh is the master of sentimental moments. It's a winning combination. This is a super romantic and lovely collection.

2. Dark Celebration by Christine Feehan

You wouldn't think that a bunch of Carpathian vampires would make for a funny, tender, and emotional holiday read, but you would be wrong! This book is an awesome re-visiting of my favorite Carpathian couples. If you are not familiar with the Dark series, I wouldn't recommend it. But if you do like Feehan's books, this one is great. (Skyler and Dimitri make an appearance....yay!)

3. A Virgin River Christmas by Robyn Carr

I adore this book. I love stories with wounded heroes....Ian has a big red beard and has been traumatized by his time in the military. He is raw and angry, and only the love of a good woman can bring him joy again. This book kicks ass. Romantic, emotional, sexy. And did I mention the hero has a beard? Just checking!

4. An Affair Before Christmas by Eloisa James

Even though this book has the most preposterous premise for a historical ever (please see my review), it is still an adorable book. Sweet and satisfying and very Christmas-y. And this is my favorite line from a holiday romance....

"Poppy, what did you think that Christmas was for?"

"Nibbling on gingerbread men?" she whispered.

"I'm your gingerbread man," he said.

Yowzah!

5. A Simple Amish Christmas by Vannetta Chapman

This is one of my favorite Amish stories. It is sweet and romantic and the hero has a beard. (Well, he's Amish for God's sake!). I cried reading this one. In a good way. :^)

6. A Christmas Ball by Jennifer Ashley, Emily Bryan and Alissa Johnson

This is a cute historical anthology, with stories by Jennifer Ashley, Emily Bryan (Mia Marlowe) and Alissa Johnson. Ashley's story was not my favorite, but I adored the ones by Bryan and Johnson. They were clever and funny and touching. Definitely recommend this one.

7. Santa's Wayward Elf by Paige Tyler

This is a very sexy, quirky holiday erotica. I was totally entertained. (Some other holiday erotica I enjoyed last year....The Christmas Fantasy by KT Grant, with a sexy firefighter and a curvy heroine, and Kidnapped For Christmas by Evangeline Anderson, a "light-BDSM" holiday story.)

8. All I Want For Christmas Is You by Lisa Mondello

I don't normally read traditional contemporary romances like this, but I'm really glad I checked this one out. It's all about family--you can't get more Christmas-y than that. Kyle is a wonderful hero. (Another traditional romance I read this year was Holiday Secrets by Jill Sorenson--it's a Harly!--I loved the surfer hero and the sweet HEA).

9. Christmas Elf by Tielle St. Clare

Another naughty elf story...this one is really funny, too.

10. The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg

Not a romance novel. This is a children's book, and it makes me cry every single time I read it. In fact, my kids often say, "Hey, let's make Mom cry! Get out The Polar Express!" Then we read it and they watch my face on the last page. I start sobbing every time. Beautiful.

Have any favorites to add to the list?

Penny

Feel Better Yet? How 'Bout Now? Now? Now?

2011-12-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

Didn't I say I was going to take a break from reading Christmas romance? Didn't I? Huh? Huh?

Well, I didn't. As I was perusing my Kindle, I found out I had down-loaded this freebie (One Imperfect Christmas by Myra Johnson), and I couldn't resist.

That'll teach me.

It started out okay....for about 1/2 page. Then it got bad. And worse. And more depressing. And filled with despair. It's about a crumbling marriage. And a woman filled with guilt. And a daughter filled with anger. Everyone's life is going down the toilet. Down deeper....and deeper...and deeper....

I didn't like any of the characters. They were irritating, self-absorbed, and some were downright duplicitous. The husband was okay. I didn't like the daughter. Or the daughter's friend. Especially the wife. I didn't even like the brother. The business partner. Or the delivery guy.

At 12% I thought, things will get better soon, right? At 38%....how about now? At 54%....how about now? At 79%....please, now! Please, I'm begging you! At 85%....now...pretty please? At 99%....too late.

Why did I keep reading? Because I kept thinking it would get better.

So, about half-way through I finally realized this was a Christian Inspirational romance. (The references to God/Jesus and prayer time finally registered in my thick skull.) I have no problem with that at all. In fact, the only bright, hopeful spots in this book for about 99% of the story were when the characters prayed.

Prayer: Dear God, I love Daniel. Please let our marriage survive.
Dialogue: Daniel, you are a horrible father. You neglected our marriage. You never tried to understand me.

What the hell is that? I have never seen such a big disconnect between deep POV and/or internal prayer time and the actions/dialogue of a character. Natalie keeps thinking she loves her husband, and then she turns around and acts like a snotty selfish ding-a-ling. O-kay.

At one point, I actually wished Natalie would file for divorce so her poor husband could find a new woman who would be nice to him.

I cried at the end. Three times. I'm not sure if this was from sheer emotional exhaustion, or if I was moved by the Christmas spirit.

See, this is why I need to avoid contemporary romance at all costs. Because I don't want an "imperfect" Christmas with real-life problems. Selfish wives, run-away hubbies, conniving daughters, conniving daughter's friends, interfering family members, ineffective therapists, depressing subject matter. Who needs it?

There were a few sweet moments in this book....all of them had to do with the mother who was incapacitated by a stroke, and her long-suffering husband desperately trying to hold it together. But after all that angst, what I really wanted was a wonderful reunion between Natalie and Daniel. And it just didn't happen. Two sentences on the last page do NOT make a HEA.

Sigh.

This book was not poorly written, and as far as standard contemporaries go, I'm sure it was okay. I just found it depressing as hell. I was sort of wishing for a spanky elf to show up at the end and lighten the mood.

Grade: C? For...Crushing My Soul? D? For...Darkening My Day? F? For...Forcing Me To Take Lexapro?

I have no clue how to grade this book. I give up.

Anyhow, as God is my witness, I am taking a hiatus from holiday romance. *signed in blood and sealed with a shot of egg nog*

Going to read the comics,
Penny

To Sex Or Not To Sex, That Is The Question

2011-12-07T08:58:00.000-05:00

I just finished Mistletoe and Margaritas by Shannon Stacey. Yet another holiday romance. I might actually be reaching my saturation point on the holiday romances, believe it or not.

I had high hopes for this one, since I heartily enjoyed Stacey's book Exclusively Yours. It was cute and sexy and funny. Unfortunately, Mistletoe and Margaritas was a big flop for me. Some authors can capture the magic in a shorter format, and some can't. This book was too short, the ending was way too abrupt, and the sex scenes were a huge let-down. Which made me think about something that drives me nuts.

The sex scenes in a romance/erotica need to be appropriate for the book.

Here's what I mean.....If the book is an angsty Amish story that focuses on the emotional connection between the characters, then throwing in a wild orgy scene is not appropriate. Likewise, if the book has highly sexualized characters, then having "closed-door" sex scenes is not appropriate. (Imagine JR Ward's series without the sex....)

With some Harly books, the authors concentrate on sweet and loving gestures, such as kissing, holding hands, etc. These books don't need graphic sex scenes to complete them. The emotional connection is more important for the story arc.

On the other hand, if an author spends a lot of time building up sexual tension between the H/h, talking about how they lust for each other, are hot for each other, have been fantasizing about each other for years, can't wait to get it on, etc etc etc, then for the love of God, we better get a smokin-hot sex scene in that book. You can't build up sexual tension and then leave your readers hanging. That is a less-than-satisfying read, and super disappointing.

That was one of my main problems with Mistletoe and Margaritas. The hero has been in love (and lust) with the heroine for years. The heroine keeps talking about how horny she is. But the sex scenes didn't deliver. They were too brief and totally unsatisfying, in my opinion. If the sexual tension is a big part of the story, then we need a lot of frosting on the cake of love. (That sort of sounds like an Elvis song).

Grade: C-

Anyhoo, I think I might read a non-Christmasy book next. To cleanse the palate, so to speak.

Don't Leave Me Hanging,

Penelope

Eat Your Heart Out, Martha Stewart!

2011-12-06T09:07:00.001-05:00

Frustrated by the apparent lack of holiday doo-dads in our house, my daughter Natty took it upon herself to decorate the living room. She made paper snowflakes, paper chains, curling ribbons, and printed up Santas from the web. I'm not sure what a rubber band ball has to do with Christmas, but it's an interesting look. She's so helpful!

In other news.....

❅ GOOD NEWS: Both Sweet Magik and Sweet Inspiration are on the top 10 romance bestseller list at Fictionwise. It's a Klaus Brother invasion!

❅ BAD NEWS: My good friend Julia Barrett has had some catastrophic problems with her website. Evidently, everything on her site has disappeared. She has no idea what happened. It's heart-breaking. She had four years worth of blog posts there, including some of my favorite serial posts about her canoe trip. If you are so inclined, please drop Julia a message on twitter to wish her well.

❅ GOOD NEWS: I got a great fan letter yesterday, from a woman who is a Barnes and Noble employee. She loved my books and is recommending them to her customers. Thanks, Michelle!

❅ BAD NEWS: 20 days until Christmas and I haven't started my shopping yet! Ahhhhh!

❅ BOOK NEWS: Carolyn Crane's new book Head Rush it out today! Carolyn is one of the most talented up-and-coming authors I know. I am sure this book is going to kick ass.

Also, my Secret Santa at the Refugees Goodreads group got me Heart Of Steel by Meljean Brook....woo hoo! I cannot wait to read this. Thank you, Secret Santa, whoever you are!

Finally, I am about to read yet another holiday romance....Mistletoe and Margaritas by Shannon Stacey. Once I finish, I am going to post a holiday reading list with my top recommendations.

Happy Tuesday To Everyone!
Penny

Monday Morning Updates: Girlz With Guns, Velveeta-Free Reviews, & Mamma Mia

2011-12-05T06:00:00.001-05:00

1. I survived the weekend. My 9 year old daughter's laser tag party was a big hit. 15 screaming kids ran around shooting each other, consuming enormous quantities of sugar products, and producing ear-piercing screams that could shatter fine crystal. All in all, a fine party.

2. I am tickled that the sales for Sweet Inspiration are popping up this Christmas. I got a great review from Dead Trees and Silver Screens. I think it's hilarious that Amanda calls it "Velveeta-free." I personally love cheesy stories, so I wouldn't mind some Velveeta with my book, but that's just me.

3. Historical romance author Mia Marlowe is hosting me today at her blog. We are discussing my penchant for beardy men, Oskar Klaus, and tube tops. Stop by and leave a comment--Mia is giving away a copy of Sweet Magik, as well as one of her own stories, A Duke For All Seasons or My Lady Below Stairs. I love the name Mia...it reminds me of Mamma Mia, which reminds me of ABBA, which reminds me....

How Can I Resist You? A Swedish Dude With A Velveeta-Heavy Beard?
Penelope

I Ran So Far Away....I Ran All Night And Day

2011-12-03T09:20:00.000-05:00

Time for Saturday's Blast From The 1980s Musical Past! It's Flock Of Seagulls singing....I Ran (1982).

Enjoy!

Today is all about my daughter's 9th birthday party....a laser tag party with 15 screaming nine year old kids. Ergo the lyrics....."I ran all night and day....I couldn't get away."

All my best,

Penelope

Penny Wins The Lottery...Ding, Ding, Ding!

2011-12-02T06:00:00.013-05:00

Stranger: Well, hello there!

Penny: Hello. Nice to meet you.

S: I just wanted to let you know that my book club has chosen your recent release, Sweet Magik, as our December reading selection.

P: Oh my goodness! Thanks so much. I am thrilled!

S: *snicker* We'll see about that.

P: What does that mean?

S: We're not just any old book club. We are a small, very select, very superior group of readers.

P: Uh....well....that's great. Good for you!

S: Very superior. As in....we know what kinds of literature are valuable, worth-while contributions to society, and which are trashy-ass pieces of shit, also known as..."bodice rippers."

P: *stunned* Um...I'm not sure I'm following your train of thought.

S: Don't strain your brain. Obviously, anyone who reads, writes and reviews copious romance novels is lacking in basic intellect. What I'm trying to tell you is....we hate bodice rippers and we like to crush them in our ratings and reviews. It's super fun.

P: Well, I didn't actually write a "bodice ripper".....bodice ripper is a term that refers to romantic fiction published in the 1980s, that featured forced seduction scenes....

S: Silence! I'm not interested in your pointless drivel, minion.

P: What's your name, Mister?

S: Snobby Asse. What's it to you?

P: Well, Mr. Snobby Asse, I can see how you find all this good, clean fun. Reading a genre you know nothing about, ripping the books to shreds, then snickering with your friends. What exactly constitutes "real" literature?

SA: I know you will find this difficult to believe....but there are actually many other types of reading materials available in the world. Ever read a textbook? *snicker*

P: Actually, I wrote a textbook.

SA: Huh? Well...um...I find that hard to believe. Let me guess...community college? Right? *brushes dust off of Harvard diploma*

P: Uh, wrong. Ivy League. Graduate degree.

SA: Bull shit! You can call me Doctor Snobby Asse from now on, Miss Penelope Romance Pants! Ever get published in a scientific journal? Do ground-breaking research?

P: Yep.

SA: *looks slightly frazzled* What the hell are you doing slumming with the bodice ripper crowd, you wack?

P: I love romance. I love reading romance. I love writing romance. I love talking about romance. And I love reviewing romance. As a genuine romance reviewer--someone who is well-read in all fields, and extremely well-versed in this genre, and reviews it within the context of which it was written. It's not a Shakespearean play, for Christ's sakes, and is not meant to be viewed as such. Romances are simply fiction that focus on a relationship as the basic story arc, its conflict and resolution, and finish with a happy ending. You do know that, Mr. Snobby Asse. Right?

SA: Of course! I know everything!

P: Do you also know the subtleties of all the sub-genres you are reading? Dark paranoramal? Light paranormal? Romantic suspense? Steampunk fantasty? Each sub-genre should be critiqued according to its own set of parameters...world-building, the inclusion of horror, humor, etc. I'm sure you're totally up on all that stuff and how it applies to each unique sub-genre of romance. Excuse me, I mean bodice rippers.

SA: *sputters* You talk a big game, Penelope, but that stuff is still crap. No matter what fancy words you use to dress it up.

P: Hmm. I can think of a few things that are crap.

SA: Well, I think I've wasted enough time here. I need to spend some time reading books I hate so I can ding them in a public setting for the hilarity of myself and my superior friends. You know, real authors spend years of their lives doing research. You can't just write a book willy-nilly. For example, did you really go to Bavaria to research the Klaus family? I think not. *shakes head in a patronizing manner* I am soooooooo not impressed.

P: Um, Mr. Snobby Asse. I have something to tell you. But I don't think you're going to like it.

SA: Uh huh. What might that be, Inferior Girl?

P: Santa Claus, well...um...you know....

SA: Spit it out, Smut Lover!

P: Santa isn't real.

SA: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P: I'm so sorry. My book is make-believe. Not real. I didn't do any research about the Klaus family because....well.....they only exist in my puny mind. Sweet Magik wasn't meant to be anything heavy or serious. Just a fun little romance ditty, with some tongue-in-cheek humor, celebrating the holiday season. Celebrating love, and family, and romance, and happy endings. I hope you have some fun, light-hearted plans for the holiday season. *ponders Mr. Snobby Asse* Um, has anyone ever told you that you look a little bit like Scrooge?

SA: Bah humbug! *storms off*

P: Oh, I feel sort of badly about that.

Old Man With Big White Beard: Well, hello Penelope. How are you?

P: Hi! Do I know you?

Old Man: I think so. Yes, Penelope, I think so. *scratches beard which Penelope eyes with great interest* So, Miss Lover of Bodice Rippers, what would you like for Christmas?

P: Hugh Jackman!

Old Man: I'll see what I can do.

Happy Christmas To All, And To All A Good-Night!

Penelope

Let's Get Ready To Rumble! Registration Is Now Open!

2011-12-01T06:00:00.001-05:00

Registration is now open for the 2012 NECRWA Let Your Imagination Take Flight Spring Conference. Woo hoo! This wonderful conference is being held on April 27-28 at the historic Hawthorne Hotel in Salem, Massachusetts. Please follow this link to register.

Here are some cool things about this conference.....

It's in the charming and festive town of Salem, Massachusetts.
Speakers will include Michael Hauge, Marie Force and Kristan Higgins.
There will be a wide array of industry and craft-related workshops, including ~~an amazing one by the world-famous Penelope~~ some by famous romance professionals ~~including the incomparable Penelope .~~
I'm giving a workshop.
Agent and editor appointments will include a critique of the first 10 pages of your manuscript.
We are thrilled to have agents Marisa A Corvisiero (L. Perkins Agency), Susannah Taylor (Richard Henshaw Group), Emmanuelle Morgen (Judith Ehrlich Literary) and Carlie Webber (Jane Rotrosen Agency) in attendance.
Outstanding editors include Megan Records (Kensington Brava), Susan Litman (Harlequin Silhouette) and Steph Murray (Crescent Moon Press).
Michael Hauge is giving a special workshop on Friday afternoon.
There will be a ghost hunt, psychic fair and cocktail party, literacy book signing, and numerous gatherings of the Martini Club, founded by ~~world famous~~ Penelope.
For more information about fees and registration dates, please head over to the NECRWA website.

So, who's in? Don't miss it!

Penelope

Wacky Wednesday

2011-11-30T06:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think my life might be an episode of the Twilight Zone. Here are some insane things I've seen in the last couple of weeks....

1.) Heading on an author's website...."If You Like "So-N-So" Author, Then You'll Love Me!" That's right. Her whole branding concept was copying someone else. Are you kidding me?

2.) Author photo at Goodreads.....totally, completely, unequivocally buck naked. Uh huh. Someone used a nude photo as her "head shot." Sigh. Even if you write erotica, you don't need to be a porn star. That's taking branding just a bit too far. Just saying.

3.) An author who has a paypal button on her website for "donations to a struggling writer." Just in case you want to donate money to a stranger for no good reason except she is a writer who, evidently, doesn't think she's making enough money. Now excuse me while I go stand outside on the street corner with my tin cup.

4.) Note to authors: Promo is YOUR responsibility, not mine. Quit asking me to "like" you on Facebook, rate you on Amazon, etc. If someone leaves a review or rating or whatever, that's great. But asking your readers to do stuff for you in order to promote your books is totally uncool. Not their responsibility. YOUR responsibility.

5.) This is so gross, I can barely type it. Uh...uh....I saw an author bio at Amazon where the woman discusses....uh....uh....masturbating....while she writes. *falls over in a faint*

6.) *revives self with enormous cup of coffee* I'm back! My new favorite observation at twitter: Folks promoting their Christmas books with the #BDSM hashtag. Coz nothing says "sacred religious holiday" like some spanky time. (I'm waiting for the #Ho tag).

7.) Sweet Magik is currently #1 on the fairy tale romance bestseller list at Bookstrand. The overall bestseller list is all erotica. And not just erotica. Erotica with MMMFMMMMMM and MMFFFFFMMMMFFFFMMMM and....oh nevermind...you get the idea. I guess the new attitude in erotica is....The More, The Merrier! The titles have words like "hogtying," "overexposed," "master," "bikers," and "raw." I think the only way my little Christmas book has any chance of getting on their bestseller list is if I change the title to "Hogtying An Elf." Which isn't going to happen any time soon.

8.) And to cleanse your palate of all these unsavory bits, here is an adorable photo of a weenie dog pup...

Feel better? I sure do!

Penelope

Have A Very Spanky Christmas

2011-11-29T08:56:00.001-05:00

I'm not exactly sure what spanking has to do with Christmas, but for some reason it seems to be a recurring theme with the holiday erotica stories. Nothing says Christmas like BDSM! (Well, actually, I can think of a lot of things that are more appropriate for the holidays, but nevertheless, I am still reading these wacky books).

Here is a quickie holiday reading update.....

1.) All I Want For Christmas Is You by Lisa Mondello

This is a very sweet and romantic holiday story. Kyle is a wonderful hero who longs for a family of his own. Lauren and her daughter Kristen have fallen on hard times, and need a miracle. I adore stories that focus on family as a holiday theme, and this book fits the bill. This is a traditional holiday tale.

Grade: A-/B+

2.) Snowed In With Santa by Sue Lyndon

This started out with a good premise and a lot of potential, but unfortunately, the ending was rushed and got fairly ridiculous. Santa is a secret dom looking for a tushy to spank. Alana drives through a snow storm to a stranger's house, gets snowed in, and discovers the joys of submission. Merrrrrrry Christmas! Hee heee....just kidding.

Grade: C+

3.) Christmas Elf by Tielle St Clare

I LOVED this one! The first half of the book has no sex....just a build up of sexual attraction between an innocent elf kicked out of the North Pole and a jaded businessman who has lost his Christmas spirit. The second half of the book was extremely erotic...but the story also manages to be sweet and satisfying. And very holiday-themed....about family, love, and capturing the spirit of Christmas. Also filled with humor and hilarious dialogue. LOVED it!

Grade: A

4.) My Everything by Julia Barrett

This was my only non-holiday reading for the week. Once again I am blown away by Julia's talent. I am not usually a big lover of romantic suspense, but this book was so good I inhaled it. The initial premise for the story is high on coincidence, but I didn't care. It is very sexy, very intense, and the pacing of the storyline was perfect. Barrett does a great job weaving the erotic portion of the story with the suspenseful plotline. There may have been a smidge too much sex for me (quit laughing), but otherwise this story was close to perfect. Very compelling and entertaining read.

Grade: A

Hope everyone has recovered from their Thanksgiving feasts! Today is all about walking and lettuce for moi!
Penelope

Baby It's Cold Outside

2011-11-28T06:11:00.000-05:00

I watched "Elf" last night (for the 10 millionth time). Which reminded me how much I love this song. Zoey Deschanel does a cute job, but the classic Ella Fitzgerald will always be my favorite. Enjoy!

Happy Monday!
Penelope

Happy Beard Of The Thanksgiving Holiday Weekend!

2011-11-26T10:26:00.000-05:00

What's more delicious than turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and home-made pumpkin pie?

Sean Bean's scruffy beard! Nom nom nom......

Happy Beard Of The Day!
Penelope

Black Friday Sale At Wild Rose Press!

2011-11-25T06:00:00.002-05:00

The Wild Rose Press is having a special Black Friday sale today.....30% off all ebooks, including both of mine....Sweet Inspiration and Sweet Magik. Use Code e8f302ffef for the sale.

They are also giving away a free Gourmet Cookbook for the holiday season.

Stop by and check out the deals!

Sweet Magik is also still on sale at Fictionwise.

Hope everyone survived Turkey Day. My Gingerbread Man cocktail was a big success. And so was our dinner...it was delish.

And for all of you crazies who are going to the mall today....*shudder*....Go Get 'Em! I wouldn't be caught dead in that place on Black Friday.

Ciao!

Penny

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T06:00:00.001-05:00

Happy Holiday!
Penelope

When Penny Goes To The Dark Side.....

2011-11-23T06:00:00.004-05:00

Hee hee heeee! How great is this pic?

Huge thanks to Scott Fiander, who is the artist for RJ Silver, for creating this incredibly life-like portrait of me on the dark side. (Except my boobs aren't that perky, and my fingernails aren't that talon-like). Otherwise, it's a dead ringer.

Scott mentioned that he is a blogging "noob" and I told him I was the opposite....a haggard old bitty with a butt hanging out of my mouth and a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand. He was inspired, as you can see.

I'm thinking that this portrait makes me look like a real writer....in the tradition of Ernest Hemingway....

I got my turkey, I got the booze, now I have to....clean my house. Dammit!

The turkey don't care if the toilets are clean,

Penelope

Who Needs A Turkey?

2011-11-22T06:46:00.001-05:00

Here's what I accomplished on Monday....

1. Read Sexy Secret Santa by Paige Tyler....a short, cute, sexy holiday story. Fun!

2. Started All I Want For Christmas Is You by Lisa Mondello. So far, so good. It's the complete opposite of Paige's book. No sex, but very sweet and loving and I'm enjoying it a lot. (See! There are so many facets to my personality...hee hee!).

3. Bought a butt-load of alcoholic beverages for Thanksgiving Dinner.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. Who knows what Tuesday will bring?

ETA: SWEET MAGIK is finally available on Fictionwise....and it's on sale! $5.74 regular price, and $4.88 if you're a club member.

Fa la la la la,

Penelope

Quickie Holiday Reviews...Fa La La La La!

2011-11-21T08:52:00.001-05:00

I reignited my holiday reading obsession this past weekend. Here are three quickie reviews.....

Santa's Wayward Elf by Paige Tyler

My favorite for the weekend! This is an adorable, well-written holiday romance. One of Santa's elves gets lost in the Big Apple and has an unexpected adventure with a hot cop. Tyler did a great job with this story. It's a fun twist on the legend of Santa Claus and the North Pole, with a romantic suspense plot-line. The characters were wonderful, the sex was hot, and the ending was sweet. The pacing was spot-on until the crime story took over a bit at the end, but otherwise this was close to perfect. I will definitely be reading more books by Paige Tyler.

Grade: 5 Jumbo Mugs of Eggnog! (A-)

❅❅❅❅❅

Home For Christmas by Kate Davies

This was a freebie, and started out with a lot of potential. I love stories that have characters who are in their forties. This one has a widow and her late husband's business partner heading off on a romantic cruise. Unfortunately, it didn't deliver. It felt like a bad Harly novel....superficial, no real emotional connection between the H/h, flat sex scenes, and an abrupt ending. Big bummer.

Grade: 3 Limp Candy Canes (C+)

❄❄❄❄❄

Risky Christmas: Holiday Secrets/Kidnapped At Christmas by Jill Sorenson and Jennifer Morey

So far, I've only read the first story of this Harlequin anthology...Jill Sorenson's Holiday Secrets. A wimpy heroine with lots of issues (fear of swimming, fear of the Mob boss who killed her husband, fear of the cute guy next door) falls head over heels for a totally adorable, sexy, I want-one-in-my-stocking-please handyman surfer dude. Schwing! She has 2 kids and is in the witness protection program. He has a hammer and a surfboard. They're perfect for each other! Hee hee. Actually, this story is very sweet, and I loved loved loved the hero. The wimpy heroine grows a pair by the end of the book and (A) learns how to swim (after a sexy lesson with the hero), (B) thwarts the Mob boss (with some help from her boyfriend's truck), and (C) saves her surfer dude and gets an HEA! Cute story!

Grade: 4 Plump Gingerbread Boys (B)

❆❆❆❆❆

Ho Ho Ho!
Penelope

I Ain't Got Nobody

2011-11-19T08:17:00.000-05:00

Time for Saturday's Blast From The 1980s Past Music Video.....inspired by RJ Silver's post today (I Want To Be A Gigolo).

From 1986, it's David Lee Roth.....enjoy! Hee heeeee!

Selling each romance,

Penelope

Beard Of The Day

2011-11-18T08:18:00.000-05:00

And today's choice for Beard of the Day is......drumroll please.....Michael Fassbender!

Yowzah!

Some things about Michael....
1. He's an Irish-German actor, and speaks German fluently.
2. He played Rocky McRochester in the 2011 Jane Eyre! Rock-y! Rock-y!
3. He was an altar boy when he was little.

This guy is hot. And he definitely looks hotter w/ his beard than clean-shaven. Intense, sexy....beard-a-licious!

Hope everyone has a great Friday and a great weekend. I am planning my Thanksgiving menu....turkey, cranberry sauce, jumbo martini.....

Penelope

Quickie Interview With RJ Silver

2011-11-17T06:00:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite discoveries in 2011 was a new-to-me author who combines snappy writing, sarcastic humor, and a dollop of romance in his witty short stories. (My other favorite discoveries in 2011 are Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Lovers 85% Cacao Bar and the Etsy site. More on those later!).

Back to RJ. He's an alien. He's hilarious. And he has a book with the word "penis" in the title. Since I have a penchant for reading train wrecks (can you say Bearotica?) I immediately jumped at the chance to read The Princess and The Penis, thinking it would be excellent fodder for a train wreck post. Little did I know.... it was cute, funny and a hysterical satire of the romance genre.

Following that unexpected discovery, I quickly read RJ's other stories...The Ballerina, The Gymnast and The Yoga Master, and his latest story, My Third-World Girlfriend. I also started ~~stalking~~ following him on Twitter, at Goodreads, on Facebook, and sending him ~~disturbing fan mail~~ complimentary emails.

Since he hasn't taken out a restraining order yet, I think he likes me!

RJ was gracious enough to answer a few questions for me today. And he is offering all my readers a totally cool freebie. You can download The Ballerina, The Gymnast and The Yoga Master (my favorite!) for free at Smashwords....use this coupon: CA54Q. Thanks, RJ!

Here's my Interview With RJ......

1. What is the funniest thing you’ve ever read? Snorting out loud, embarrassing yourself in a public place sort of funny?

My last divorce settlement was pretty funny, in a cup-your-hands-over-your-face , crying sort of way. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 was pretty good, too, perhaps because it helped me better understand what happened in the settlement.

2. Micro-brew from Vermont or Budweiser?

Micro-brew from Vermont. There’s nothing I love more than an adventure with an unpredictable ending.

3. If you had to join one reality TV show, what would it be?

Lost. I know it only aired for a season or two, but I feel as if I’m still filming.

4. What’s the coolest place you’ve ever lived?

Downtown Bangkok. Such a bustling, energetic place. The fact I didn’t have a job for the year seemed to help, too.

5. What’s the best color combination? A.) Blue and White B.) Navy and Orange C.) Black and Gold ....Follow-up question….How many terrible towels do you own?

Black and Gold, of course. But, actually, I don’t own any terrible towels. I try not to own anything anymore, mainly because it makes a quick escape so much easier.

6. What’s the wackiest fan comment you’ve ever received?

One woman insisted I write about a vagina (hence my post, The Vagina Conundrum). Thankfully, I’m in a meaningful relationship, otherwise that might have spurred another 25 years of in-depth research.

7. Do you plan to write any other books about penises? Just wondering.

No, but I am working on a story involving testicles. It’s about twins.

8. What’s the best “I just fucked up and have to get my girlfriend a suck-up gift” purchase? A) Flowers B) Candy C) 25 karat diamond tiara D) All of the above, and a new SUV wouldn’t be a bad idea either

Surprisingly, it was a new SUV. Not very smart, considering that woman had just run over her husband multiple times in Houston.

9. Any special care for your antenna? Conditioners? Hair mousse? Does your girlfriend try to put a bow on it….sort of like a yorkie? See photo below….

I don’t know what she does with my antenna, but sometimes, when I wake up, the top of my head is sore. As for special care, no. It’s up there in the fresh air and the sunshine, with no folds or crevices to worry about, so it pretty much takes care of itself.

10. If someone had to play you in a movie, who would it be?

Jack Nicholson, hands down. He’s been crazy (One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest), had serious women problems (The Witches of Eastwick), and has firsthand experience working with Aliens (Mars Attacks). Jack, call me.

Oh....I LOVE Jack! Good one! He would look great with an antenna on his head, too. Well, it's always good to have a fellow Stillers fan (that's "Steelers" for all you non-Pittsburghers) on my site. Thanks for stopping by.

For anyone looking for a quick, funny, clever, well-written story, I recommend any of RJ's books...

The Princess And The Penis
The Ballerina, The Gymnast and The Yoga Master (use coupon CA54Q)
My Third-World Girlfriend

Also, check out his website and blog....he has some hilarious posts! And all of the adorable cartoons are done by Scott Fiander.

Well, I'm off to wave my terrible towel and guzzle down a Magic Hat #9. Please leave a comment for RJ and say hi!

Penelope

Holding Hands

2011-11-16T07:57:00.000-05:00

It's pretty easy to lose sight of true romance. I'm not talking about the well-worn clichés....the single red rose, or the declaration of love on the beach at sunset. I'm talking about simple gestures.

If you read a lot of romance/erotica, you're probably somewhat jaded. After reading a super-orgy scene with seven battle-hardened generals, a riding crop, and an unfortunate sex slave, you might forget that simple is best. (And probably a lot less painful).

For me, the most simple, sweet and pure gesture of love is holding hands.

People say that eyes are the "windows to our soul." But I think hands are the windows to our souls, our personalities, our lives. Do we have flashy painted fingernails? Cuts and scrapes from working in the garden? Ink marks? Marker smudges from our children? Chocolate under our nails from baking? Every wrinkle and scar are badges of honor. Our hands create, heal, connect.

There is nothing more romantic than that first joining of hands. Reaching for another. Linking yourself to a soul-mate. Exploring, tentative, this new union.

Joining hands is not just for romantic lovers. It connects parent and child, aged and youth, friend with friend.

There is certainly a time and place for lusty love scenes, graphically depicted. But when all is said and done, sometimes the best part of those scenes is the aftermath, when two lovers spoon each other in slumber, hands interlocked, souls finally at peace.

Off to the bus-stop with my daughter....holding her hand all the way,

Penelope

Oskar's Interview at Not Now...I'm Reading!

2011-11-15T08:20:00.000-05:00

Please stop by Not Now...I'm Reading and check out Oskar's interview with Jen and Juju. They are discussing elves, snowboarding, and O's tattoo collection. They are also giving away copies of Sweet Inspiration and Sweet Magik. Don't miss it!

Penny

Monday Morning Updates: Winners and Sinners!

2011-11-14T08:53:00.001-05:00

1. First bit o' business....the winner of the Sweet Magik Giveaway. Congrats to ODDERIE (Audrey!)....you have won a copy of Sweet Magik and the cute holiday necklace! Yee haw! Merry Christmas to you from Oskar and all the Klaus Brothers!

2. Some good news.....Sweet Magik is on the bestseller list at Bookstrand.com for the Fairy Tales/Myths category. It also got another great review from Jen at Not Now....I'm Reading. She says..."I LOVED this story. It had a little bit of everything: action, adventure, mystery, romance and plenty of fan yourself moments....Most importantly, [Penny] infuses her stories with the things I think are the most important part of holiday spirit: family, love and friendship." Wow! What a great review....I am stoked! Happy Monday morning! (ETA: And another nice review from Tales Of Whimsy).

3. My daughter had her final soccer game of the season yesterday. After dancing on the field, chatting with her buds during the game, giggling after the ball bounced off her head, she finally found her mojo. She had 2 incredible shots on goal, was sprinting all over the field, and when another player was pushing her around, she threw her elbow and knocked the kid out of the way. Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! Proud Mommy Moment.

4. Finally....the "Sinners." As I perused the bestseller list at Bookstrand this weekend, I found a book that threw me for a loop. At first I thought it must be a typo. Then, I realized it was actually an "orgy-style" book? Not sure what term to use for this one exactly, but here's the category description....

MMMMMMM

That's right, folks. Seven! Count them, seven guys having an orgy. The book blurb includes the words "lush firm buttocks," "battle-hardened generals," and "riding crop." Needless to say, I was stymied. How could 7 guys get it on at the same time? Wouldn't some of the guys get bored waiting for their turn? Maybe they played with an ipod while waiting in line. Or talked sports. All I know is that one poor little sex slave could not possibly service 6 horny generals at the same time. And I have NO intention of reading this book to find out otherwise.

Well, I hope everyone has a great week!

Penelope

Something About You

2011-11-12T08:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday while I was shopping for dinner, this song came on at the grocery store. I started dancing in the aisles! Hee heee... I saw Level 42 and Stevie Winwood in concert at West Point in 1987? It was a fantastic concert.

Happy Weekend!
Penelope

Pho

2011-11-10T06:18:00.000-05:00

I am obsessed with soup. I already made chicken & chick pea soup this week, and enjoyed chicken & rice soup at my favorite Chinese restaurant.

Today I am making this quick and dirty Pho recipe....with chicken. It's light, flavorful, healthy and perfect for a nippy fall day! While searching for Pho recipes, I found 2 types. Some of them started out this way...."Find a chicken. Bring it home. Kill it. Butcher it. Let the hacked up carcass simmer for 192 hours in a cast iron pot that's been in your family for 14 generations....." The other recipes went something like this...."Buy pre-cooked chicken cubes and a box of chicken stock...." Since I'm a lazy ass, I'm going with the quick and dirty version....

Quick and Dirty Pho

Ingredients:
4 oz. noodles (rice vermicelli, or bun)
6 c. chicken stock (mine comes from a box!)
2 T fish sauce
4 cloves minced garlic
2 T minced fresh ginger
1 T minced lemon grass
5 scallions, chopped
2 c. shredded chicken (I poach mine, then shred it)
1 c. bean sprouts
1 c. bok choy

for toppings....limes, bean sprouts, basil, cilantro, mint, hot sauce

Directions:

1. Cook noodles.
2. Put chicken stock, fish sauce, ginger, lemon grass and scallions in a pot...bring to a boil. Reduce to simmer, cook for 10 minutes. Add in chicken, bean sprouts and bok choy. Cook for about 5 minutes.
3. Put noodles in bowl, pour pho over noodles. Garnish with extra sprouts and herbs. Squeeze fresh lime juice on top...don't forget that part. That's the best part! :^)

Yum! Enjoy!

Happy Soup Day,
Penelope

In The Matter Of Full Disclosure....

2011-11-08T06:36:00.000-05:00

Authors are getting "outed" and I figured this was just as good a time as any to come clean. It's not that I wanted to deceive my fans, but it was just part of my branding to be a slightly chubby, big-haired heterosexual white girl from Pittsburgh.

It's difficult to write romance and have folks take you seriously when you look like this....

Sigh. I know. It's not pretty. I'm actually a Bonaire Giant Sea Anemone. Condylactis gigantea. It's pretty embarrassing. I'm not cute and cuddly. I have stinging cells on the tips of my tentacles.

If I were writing sci fi or marine biology textbooks, this would make for perfect branding. But alas, it's not so great for romance. How do you hug someone with stinging tentacles? It's difficult....really difficult. Although not impossible. Just ask my husband. He's a super good sport about the whole thing.

Folks seem to forget that authors have this ultra amazing thing called....imagination. We don't have to be a man to write from a man's POV. We don't have to be gay to write a gay story. We don't have to be a vampire to write about sparkly blood-sucking guys. And most importantly, we don't have to be terrestrial vertebrates to write about them.

I hope you don't all hate me now. Don't come too close or I'll sting the crap out of you.

With the utmost sincerity.... (Seriously. I'm not kidding this time),
Penelope

Now THAT'S What I'm Talking About

2011-11-07T06:20:00.001-05:00

After reading the extremely disappointing Northern Fascination by Jennifer LaBrecque, which falsely advertised a rugged-looking bearded hero on the front cover (he was actually an executive weenie with a blackberry), I was thrilled to discover Primal Calling by Jillian Burns last night. This is another Harlequin Blaze, but this one did not disappoint. The hero was authentic through and through...a half-Inuit, big-bearded, Alaskan pilot who was gruff and scowling and beardy and grumpy. My kind of hero, baby! The heroine was fine (a prissy city girl who gets into a lot of trouble), the Alaskan setting was fully utilized (unlike the other book), and there was even some cool spiritual, magical Shaman-y stuff going on. Big Bonus: The appearance of the Snowy Owl, which is one of my favorite birds.

This book still had some typical Harlequin-style writing...

"Even hidden behind the shaggy hair and beard he was a handsome man. But there was something more. Something in the depth of his dark brown eyes that called to her."

What do you mean, "hidden behind the....beard?" Is she crazy?

This is a pretty lusty book, but the part that I liked the best was the satisfying ending....the tortured hero finally healed by a priss in high heels. Go Harly, Go Harly, Go Harly!

There was only one little, teeny-tiny, irritating problem with this book.....

He shaves off his beard.

NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the girl.

If my guy shaved his beard, I would fling him off a cliff. Just once I would like the heroine to say "Your beard kicks ass, honey. Let's get it on!"

Anyhow, this book promises a rugged, bearded Alaskan man, and it delivers.

Grade: A-/B+ (for beard-shaving disaster)

And in other news.....

The contest/giveaway for Sweet Magik is still going on....leave a comment!

Please stop by Julia Rachel Barrett's site today....I did a totally schizophrenic interview where I actually interviewed my own self. It's.....very unusual! Hee heeeeee!

ETA: And another great review for Sweet Magik at Romancing Rakes....yippee!

Happy Monday To Everyone,
Penelope

Sunday Cocktail

2011-11-06T06:40:00.002-05:00

I have been researching holiday cocktail recipes to post on my website. (Wipes sweat from my brow and utters long-suffering sigh). Here's one that looks ridiculously good. I foresee a trip to the package store today to investigate the schnapps collection.

Gingerbread Man Cocktail

1 part Bailey's Irish Cream

1 part Goldschläger (Swiss cinnamon Schnapps)

1 part butterscotch Schnapps

1 part Vodka

Combine in cocktail shaker w/ ice....skake it up, baby....strain into shot glasses. Get toasted! (I mean....toasty. Get toasty!)

Happy Sunday!

Pen

Happy Release Day For Sweet Magik! Time For Another Giveaway!

2011-11-04T06:00:00.008-04:00

The day is finally here! Sweet Magik (Klaus Brothers Series #2) is now available as an ebook and in print! (See linkies at the bottom of this post!) To celebrate, Penny and the Klaus Brothers are hosting a party today and giving away a copy of Sweet Magik and this adorable holiday necklace.....

(Yes, it got it from Etsy. So sue me!).

Please leave a comment after the post and you will be entered in the giveaway. Winners announced next week.

For those of you not familiar with the Klaus family, here's a cheat sheet....

Santa: Head Honcho for Klaus Enterprises
Nicholas Klaus: Oldest son of Santa, master pastry chef, owns Klaus Küche in the North Pole
Sven: Master Toy Builder at the North Pole, a.k.a Hippy Boy
Wolfgang: Director of Charitable Donations....buff and beardy! (schwing!)
Gregor: Financial guru....rocks a goatee
Oskar: Director of Elfin Resources, green-haired snowboarding punk, Bad Boy
Ingo: Elf at the North Pole

Penny: Let's get ready to party! Time to put on my 1980s itunes mix and get out the peppermint schnapps. Woo hoo! (Penny starts busting a move to "Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa)

Oskar: (blanches) What is she doing?

Sven: (doubled over with laughter) I think she's doing a cabbage patch....

Nicholas: Can someone please pull the plug on the ipod dock? Please? I'm begging you....

Wolfie: Not yet! This is entertaining. (takes incriminating photo with cell phone)

Gregor: (clears throat) Excuse me. Penny. Um, aren't we supposed to be talking about your latest book?

Penny: Huh? Oh yeah. (takes big swig from martini glass) Okay. Let's talk about Sweet Magik. Oskar, how psyched are you? It's your big day. You finally have your own book!

Oskar: Oh, super psyched for sure. Chucking my bachelorhood for the old ball-n-chain is a big thrill.

Penny: Are you being sarcastic?

Nicholas: Don't worry, O. I'm sure Penny fixed you up with the perfect woman. I got the perfect woman for me, after all. (Read all about Nicholas' holiday adventure in Sweet Inspiration).

Gregor: Or.....Penny may have used her writing powers for evil, instead of good.

Oskar: What's that supposed to mean?

Wolfie: (chuckles) Penny wouldn't do that.

Sven: (shoots Oskar a shit-eating grin) Yeah, seriously Oskar. I'm sure Penny has forgiven you for filling her stocking with coal last year.

Penny: (narrows eyes) Not really. I was expecting scented soaps and gift cards.

Gregor whispers to Oskar.....

Oskar: (clears his throat): I'm sure your stocking will be filled with itunes gift cards this year. So you can download more of that shitty, 1980s crap.... (Gregor whispers to him again)..... I mean, all those wonderful classics you love.

Penny: You know what this party needs?

Sven: Lumberjacks?

Wolfie: Super models?

Gregor: Champagne would be nice. Peppermint schnapps is so juvenile...

Penny: (shakes her head) No. What this party needs is.....Celine Dion's Holiday Mix!

All Klaus Brothers groan in unison.

Oskar: Dear God, make it stop.

Penny: Nothing gets me in the holiday mood more than that music. I just love Celine!

Ingo: Hi Penny! How are you?

Penny: Ingo! So good to see you. These guys are giving me a hard time about my musical selection. Don't elves listen to music while they work?

Ingo: (nods) Yah. I like Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker."

Penny: Uh, okay. That's....nice.

Sven: (laughs) I don't think the elves listen to Brit Brit while they work.

Penny: That's super hilarious, Hippy Boy. How's the recycling going this year?

Sven: (lifts a glass bottle out of the cardboard bin) Good for me. Not so good for you. Slacker.

Wolfie: Any hints about Oskar's love life? I can't wait to see what happens in Sweet Magik.

Penny: Well.... I'll give you a few hints. If you like snowboarding and surfing and librarians and magic and snowball fights and demons and evil elves and nice elves and conflicted elves and sexy time and magical snowmen and parties and Star Wars-style epic battles, then Sweet Magik is the book for you!

All Klaus Brothers look stunned.

Oskar: For cripes sakes, Pen. You even got Star Wars in there?

Penny: Of course. It's my favorite movie.

Gregor: (nods head thoughtfully) Wow. That sounds....

Nicholas: Interesting.

Wolfie: Strange.

Sven: Totally wack.

Gregor: Totally Penny.

Oskar: I just hope you didn't pair me up with a brown bagger or something.

Penny: Of course not. She is beautiful and kind and courageous. You deserve nothing less than that. In spite of the coal-in-my-stocking fiasco.

Oskar: (blows out a relieved breath of air) Cool!

All Klaus Brothers high five Oskar!

Penny: Thanks to everyone who stopped by today. Please leave a comment for Oskar and the gang. One lucky commenter will win a copy of Sweet Magik (ebook) as well as the adorable holiday necklace.

A few early review snippets are dribbling in for Sweet Magik.....

From Julie at Outlandish Dreaming.... "Heartwarming holiday romance."
From Katiebabs at Babbling About Books..."Perfect holiday read."
From Christi at Smitten With Reading...."[Sweet Magik] is full of adventure, suspense, danger, romance and at its heart, it is full of Christmas magic." See full review here!
From Gaby at Oh My Books..."If you are looking for a heart warming romance for this Christmas, this one is for you!" See full review here!

I am stoked!

Purchase Sweet Magik (print copy) at The Wild Rose Press.
Purchase Sweet Magik (print copy) at Amazon.
Purchase ebook at The Wild Rose Press.
Purchase ebook on Amazon Kindle!

Book Blurb:

Oskar Klaus' job is killing him. Not even his favorite hobbies (extreme snowboarding and browsing old bookstores) are enough to snap him out of his funk. It's not easy living in the shadow of four successful older brothers and a father named Santa. Little does he know that a kiss on New Year's Eve is about to turn his life upside-down.

Kiana Grant's Manhattan life is a world away from her childhood in Oahu. She traded sunsets and surfing for a respectable career in library science, but Oskar Klaus is a temptation that's hard to resist. Before she knows it, she's in the midst of an outrageous adventure in the North Pole, dealing with mischievous elves, wicked demons, and a devastating attraction to Santa's youngest son.

There's just one problem...a bitter elf hell-bent on revenge threatens the future of everyone in the North Pole, even Santa himself...

❅❅❅

Excerpt for SWEET MAGIK.....

He never heard the end of the countdown.

One minute he was leaning toward her, and the next he was lost in a tropical Eden. Sweet and lush, surrounded by warm breezes and the feel of sand beneath his bare feet. The scent of perfumed flowers filled the air, and he groaned as Kiana's slender arms wound around his neck. She let out a breathy sigh just before her lips touched his. So softly, so gently, he wasn't sure if it was real. He brushed his mouth over hers and she opened for him, tasting of tea and honey and paradise. Greedy for more, his hands slid under her baggy blouse, stroking the smooth skin of her back. He pressed her closer until he felt the pounding beat of her heart against his chest. Her fingers fluttered like a butterfly against the stubble on his cheek, finally resting there and tracing his jaw.

He deepened the kiss, pushing her back against the cushions of the sofa, devouring her mouth. Her leg hooked over his knee pushing the drab gray skirt up her thigh. A long expanse of soft skin rubbed against his trousers. Without thinking, he moved a hand to her leg and dragged his palm along the bare skin. He could swear he heard the sound of the ocean, waves crashing and returning to sea. He moaned and Kiana gasped in delight. He was having difficulty breathing, so he pulled back, nipping her lip on the way. The heat of a scorching sun bathed his body, and before his eyes finally snapped open, he heard the faint sound of a ukulele playing. Then, silence.

His eyes opened and he found himself sitting in the darkened corner of the living room, alone on the sofa. In his hands he held a pair of tortoise shell glasses.

Kiana was gone.

❆❆❆

Merry Christmas To All And To All A Good Night!

Penelope

A Touch Of Whimsy, A Scruffy Kiss & A First Review: Happy Thursday!

2011-11-03T08:43:00.000-04:00

Happy Thursday! I am extremely happy that Wednesday is over. In summary, I accidentally deleted a 1300-word blog post, then spent an hour trying to retrieve it, then gave up and rewrote the whole damned thing, then exploded a jar of pasta sauce in my white kitchen, then smashed my leg in the car door, and then had a epic battle with my daughter about her homework.

Happy Thursday!

In an effort to make myself feel better last night, I surfed Etsy for cute Christmas-y stuff, and I watched the season premiere of Top Chef (fun!). The whimsical bookmark above was one of the sweetest, most whimsical things I found while on-line shopping. So cute! Here is the link for it on Etsy.

I also re-read Liz Carlyle's No True Gentleman, which is on my all-time fav historical list. Here's a nice paragraph from the book. Note the POV changes within the same paragraph. Carlyle has them popping back and forth throughout this book.

"Catherine gasped but did not draw away. Instead, her fingers curled into the fabric of his cloak, dragging her body against his. The gasp became a soft sound of need. Again, he raked his mouth over hers, heedlessly chafing her with the stubble of his beard. Max did not need to see the elegant line of her jaw or the inviting swell of her bottom lip to know that he had to taste her more deeply. His body had thrummed with lust the moment he'd seized her hand and swept her across Walrafen's ballroom."

Stubbly beard! I'll take it! ☺

Finally, I awoke this morning to find the first posted review for Sweet Magik. According to Gaby at Oh My Books, "If you are looking for a heart warming romance for this Christmas, this one is for you!"

Happy Thursday! Wednesday is just a distant memory.

Hope everyone has a great day and avoids splattering vodka sauce all over themselves like a horror movie,
Penelope

P.S. Don't forget to stop by tomorrow for the party with the Klaus Brothers. We will be giving away a copy of Sweet Magik and a fun holiday necklace (surprisingly, from Etsy!....hee hee).

Push It Real Good

2011-11-02T07:38:00.000-04:00

For some inexplicable reason, I woke up this morning singing this song. If you want to feel bad-ass and like you can take over the world, listen to this song for a couple of minutes. It's a great way to start the day! Salt-N-Pepa, baby!

Work it, baby. Oh baby baby!

Still searching for my 1980s time machine. Don't you wish we could have a dance party with all the book bloggers, authors, and reviewers, with non-stop 1980s music and gigantic martini glasses?

Dreaming........

Push It Real Good,

Penelope

PennyNoWriMoFoSho

2011-11-01T06:00:00.010-04:00

Here we go again....another writing challenge. Someone decided to make November the month to pack in a 50,000 word novel...NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Which could be a cool concept, except for a few small details....

You know. That day with the turkey and cranberry sauce and stuffing and stuff?

Not only do Americans get to commemorate the Pilgrims and the Native Americans getting together and eating stuff, but the American school system has decided that this holiest of holidays warrants its own "Break".....as in, Thanksgiving Break. As in....the kids are home. Screaming. Yelling. Using the computer. Begging for candy. Inviting over their friends.

As in.....there is no way in holy hell I am getting a 50,000 word novel written this month. Add on Veteran's Day holiday, and a professional day off from school, and you're left with lots of screaming children at home.

Now, I'm sure that there are writers who are able to block out the shrieking and write something worthy of publication. I can't even write a grocery list with Nickelodeon blaring in the background, Britney blaring on itunes, boys screaming in the basement as they kill virtual zombies, and my daughter and her friends having a dance party in the living room.

Then again, I'm not sure what month would be optimal for this challenge. March actually looks pretty good. It's a boring month, and the kids are forced to go to school.

I have decided that this is the month that I am going to rekindle my writing, but my challenge is much mo easier than NaNoWriMo. More like PenNoWriSoMo, instead....PenWriSlowMo. How about that one? How about.....20,000 words? That might be a good goal? How about....have some fun? I like it!

Well, I know fosho that November will include lots of turkey dishes, family squabbles, my daughter's adoption day celebration, and probably some writing.

This I KnoFoSho.

Happy Writing, Everyone!

SoShoI'mKo,
Pen

Happy Halloweenie!

2011-10-31T11:00:00.000-04:00

If I ever tried to put a humiliating costume like this on Lucy, she would probably bite me!

HAPPY HALLOWEENIE!

Elves and Magik

2011-10-31T06:00:00.003-04:00

The countdown has begun for the digital release of Sweet Magik! This Friday, November 4, Oskar Klaus and his brothers will be visiting Penelope's, and giving away an adorable holiday necklace and a copy of my latest installment of the Klaus Brothers Series.

In the meantime, I thought I would post an excerpt about the other cool dude in this book. He's short, he's conflicted, he's got pointy ears.....yep, he's an elf. Ingo plays an integral part of this story. And so does the magic of the North Pole. Here's an excerpt from Sweet Magik to introduce you to Ingo and the magical mayhem of Glasdorf.....

Ingo pawed through a stack of old books in the library. He hadn't bothered to turn on a lamp. Thin shards of moonlight filtered through the dusty windows and cast an unearthly glow around the room.

"Where the hell did I put it? It's got to be here somewhere." Finally he spied a teetering pile by the desk and the thick tome at the bottom looked familiar.

"Ah, got it!" He pushed the tower, scattering manuscripts on the floor. Carefully, he lifted the gold-edged book, brushing cobwebs off the leather bindings. It had been scores of years since he had the occasion to look at this volume. Even after all of this time, bits of light buzzed off the ragged edges of the spine, reminding him how powerful the Zauberwort Buch really was.

He held the ancient tome in a shaft of light, illuminating the faded pages.

What are you gonna do, Ingo Hertz? Verboten. Verboten. The magik of our ancestors is a sacred responsibility. Not to be used in an inappropriate manner. Not to be used for personal gain, vengeance, or evil intent.

The voice of Master Eugen echoed in his head.

His callused fingers hesitated over the book. Then the image of Lys struggling to free herself from Per's grip popped into his mind. He flipped open the tome and a long sigh was released into the air. Swirls of dust laced with magik funneled upward from the yellowed-pages and disappeared into the darkness.

The Zauberwort Buch jumped from his hands and started to hop across the floor. Ingo could tell the magik was warming up, getting ready for mischief. Eugen taught all of the elves of Glasdorf that the magik must be reined in; its natural course was to "run toward trouble." He would shout "Dicke Luft!" (trouble's brewing) as streams of unrestrained magik swirled throughout the classroom, teasing the students, attempting to incite them.

Ingo distinguished himself from an early age as a Magik Bändiger, or magik tamer. Only certain elves were capable of this feat. It required the ability to trick the magik, which was extremely difficult. Magik was crafty and cunning and had a mind of its own. Tricking it at its own game entailed complex strategies depending on the energy involved. Ingo always enjoyed devising traps for the runaway magik, and then sitting back to watch the inevitable downfall.

Master Eugen had been disappointed that he had not apprenticed as a Bändiger, but the Hertz family had a long and distinguished history as woodworkers, and Ingo's talent with the wood rivaled his talent with the magik.

Ingo felt the familiar thrill of power course through him as he dove for the book, grappling with it as it snapped at his fingers.

"Halt!" he barked at the irksome Buch. Too bad these spells don't work on elves, or I'd give Per a night he would never forget. The elfin magik worked on the human population, but not on other elves. It was a built-in protection for their well-being.

Fumbling in the darkness, he found a candle on his desk and lit it. He carefully pulled apart the dusty pages of the book until he found a section entitled Herz Magik, Heart Magik. He nodded as he perused the ancient spells, searching for one he remembered from long ago. Once he located the enchantment, he knocked about his house collecting various items...scraps of paper, more candles, a newspaper article, a button, and finally a page ripped from his new calendar in the kitchen.

Ingo placed the Zauberwort Buch in the center of his desk, opened to a spell called Zottig Herz (Ragged Heart). First he scribbled his name and Oskar's onto a piece of paper and placed it on the tome. Then, he took the calendar insert and held it over the flickering flame of the candle, scorching the date January first, just above the image of a crescent moon. He searched the calendar for the full moon. January eleventh. Eleven days of misery. He singed the square marked eleven, blackening the plump full moon.

Ingo rubbed the mother-of-pearl button in his callused fingers and reverently placed it atop the book. Then the article, torn from a Klaus Enterprise newsletter. Every spare candle in his home was scattered on the tabletop, looking like a collection of ominous stalagmites. He took a deep breath and swallowed the last of the liquor from his flask. The empty container fell to the ground, clattering on the floor.

Ingo began to recite the words, dictated centuries ago. For one brief moment, his voice wavered as he thought of Lys and her sweet smiling face. She was all goodness and light, and he knew she would not approve of this act of vengeance. But the images of Wiebe's laughing face and Per tugging at Lys' waist swirled inside his brain and his voice gained momentum as the ancient words rolled off his tongue. Again and again he uttered the spell, until he collapsed in a drunken stupor on the floor. As he fell into a foggy slumber, Ingo could hear the Zauberwort Buch rattling on the table, brimming with mischief.

I was inspired by elfin things this weekend, and created a special Etsy treasury list. Please enjoy "It's The Elfin Apocalypse!" (I know, I know....I have an Etsy problem. So shoot me!)

Happy Monday!

Penelope

Beard Of The Day

2011-10-28T07:39:00.000-04:00

As you all know, I am not a huge fan of the whole Twilight movie fiasco. However, I definitely took a second look when Mr. Robert Pattinson decided to grow a nice, distinguished-looking beard. (No sparkles in sight!). In fact, if Rob popped on a plaid shirt (which he often wears) and grabbed an axe, he could probably fit right in with a rough-n-tumbly gang of lumberjacks.

Grade for the beard......A+
Grade for the sparkly movie....F

Have a great weekend!
Penelope

I'm Not Going To Die? Well, Hell

2011-10-27T08:37:00.000-04:00

I made a startling discovery this week. I've spent the last 14 months thinking that I could keel over and die at any moment. Even though I "recovered" from my heart attack, lost 40 pounds, take all my meds, reversed my diabetes diagnosis, and walk 2 hours a day, I was still paranoid. I was living in "survivor mode." Every day was about staying alive. Exercise, meds, strict diet, low stress.

This week I realized I'm not going to die.

Well, hell. Now what do I do?

Seriously.

Survivor mode was actually pretty easy. You just take it day by day. "I'm Not Gonna Die" mode is much more complicated. I have to think about the future. What are my career plans? Travel plans? Where should I live, what should I do, does my ass look good in these Carhartts? (the answer to that last question is yes!)

So, I am feeling somewhat discombobulated right now. This is not an easy transition. I have a lot of ideas floating around in my brain, and somehow I need to settle them down and work out a plan of action.

First on the list is to decide which WIP to finish. I have 4 on the back-burner, and 3 new story ideas that popped up in the last several weeks just to torture me. Cripes.

In the meantime, I just started reading The Blond Leading The Blond....a cute, well-written mystery by Jayne Ormerod.

So, for today's to-do list I have.....

1. Do laundry
2. Water plants
3. Figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life

It's gonna be a fun day!
Penelope

Magic & Witches & Romance Writers, Oh My!

2011-10-26T09:25:00.000-04:00

18th Annual Conference

New England Chapter of Romance Writers of America ®

April 27-28, 2012, Hawthorne Hotel

Salem, Massachusetts

★ Fabulous Speakers ★ Exciting Workshops ★ Historic Location ★

★ Individual Editor & Agent Appointments ★ Literacy Book Signing ★

★ Ghost Hunt ★ Psychic Fair & Cocktail Party ★

FEATURED SPEAKERS

MICHAEL HAUGE Story and script consultant, author and lecturer. Author of Selling Your Story In 60 Seconds: The Guaranteed Way To Get Your Screenplay Or Novel Read.

MARIE FORCE Bestselling author of contemporary romance and romantic suspense, including the McCarthys of Gansett Island and Fatal Series.

KRISTAN HIGGINS NYT and USA Today best-selling author and 2-time winner of the RWA RITA ® award.

AGENT AND EDITOR APPOINTMENTS:

★ CRITIQUES OF THE FIRST 10 PAGES WILL BE GIVEN TO EARLY REGISTRANTS ★

AGENTS: Alyssa Henkin (Trident Media Group LLC), Susannah Taylor (Richard Henshaw Group), Emmanuelle Morgen (Judith Ehrlich Literary), Carlie Webber (Jane Rotrosen Agency)

EDITORS: Megan Records (Kensington Brava), Susan Litman (Harlequin Silhouette), Steph Murray (Crescent Moon)

EARLY REGISTRATION December 1-January 15, $189 (NEC members), $209 (non-members)

REGULAR REGISTRATION January 16-April 6, $199 (NEC members), $219 (non-members)

MEALS ONLY $99

EXTRA WORKSHOP (1-5:30 pm, Friday April 27): Michael Hauge, $35

***

Doesn't this sound great????? Mark it on your calendars. It's a wonderful 2-day conference set in charming Salem, Massachusetts. Great schmoozing, great speakers, great martinis, and most importantly.....world-famous Penelope is giving her talk "Penelope Channels Miss Manners: How To Promote Yourself Without Peeving Everyone Off." You don't want to miss it!

Registration starts Dec. 1. I will post links when they are available.

Polishing her martini glass,
Penelope

Are You Trying To Kill Me?

2011-10-25T09:03:00.001-04:00

I am continuing with the Cheapie/Freebie Reading Challenge. Whispering Rock, by Robyn Carr, was only $5.04 for Kindle. I loved the second book of this series, Shelter Mountain, so I thought I would give this one a try (it's #3).

Oh, Lord have mercy on my soul!

Within the first couple of chapters, there is a brutal rape and beating, then a teenage drugging and date rape, then a teenage pregnancy and miscarriage, and a couple of STDs thrown in for good measure.

.....curling......up.....in......fetal......position.......

Um.....um......must.....have......unicorns.....and.....rainbows......

DNF. Couldn't take it. I don't mind heavy stuff if it's interspersed with some hope, light, sweetness, and humor is especially good. This was way too much heavy stuff piled up on top of each other, with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Onto other topics....

* I discovered a new website called Lumberjack Erotica! (There's your unicorn, baby!). There is a lot of plaid, axes, and beardy dudes. Super epic win!

* Yesterday, my 8 year old daughter asked me how to do something on the computer. I wasn't sure. She called my son (14) who proceeded with this convoluted explanation...."Hit shift, then control, then command, then number four, then cut, then paste....." He lost me at "shift." Anyhoo, after he totally schooled me with his computer know-how, I tried to redeem myself by showing my daughter how to change fonts and colors on the document. She rolled her eyes at me and said in an exasperated voice, "Mom, I knew how to do that years ago." Well, okay then. I suck.

* For more unicorns, rainbows, and little green aliens, check out RJ Silver's new shop on his website. I especially love the Shlongdia shirts! Hee hee......

* And finally, Oskar Klaus and his brothers will be visiting my blog next week, to celebrate the ebook release of Sweet Magik. We will be giving away a copy of the book, as well as this adorable necklace (from Etsy! hee hee).....

Contest/giveaway and celebration with the Klaus Brothers will happen November 4th. Hope to see you there!

Believe (in Santa, in lumberjacks, in unicorns),
Penelope ❅☺☀♡❉✿