Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Things I Learned About Bigfoot


Things I Learned About Bigfoot
...and the women they love

(aka, What Happens When Sasquatch Kidnaps Nubile Young Women To Be Personal Breeding Love Slaves)

by
Penny Watson



1. Bigfoot is very possessive of "his woman"..."He tossed me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and hauled me into the forest."

2. He can talk. "Good. Soooooooo good." (I didn't say he could talk like a Harvard professor. I just said he could talk).

3. Sasquatch dudes have regular names like Leonard, Dale, and of course their leader, Bubba.

4. Girls who are abducted by Bigfoot to be their breeding love slaves are concerned about cleanliness and personal hygiene. "I wore the same underwear and shorts I had on for days. They needed to be washed." Um, seriously, I think that's the least of your worries, girlfriend.

5. Bigfoot's diet consists mainly of beef jerky. And carrots.

6. Girls abducted by Bigfoot are generally not that bright. "Maybe being kidnapped by horny apes had messed with my head." Maybe. Maybe it did.

7. Bigfoot's language also includes grunts and this word..."Grrrrrrrrroooooooaaaaaaaarrrrrrr." According to my English-Bigfoot Dictionary, that means "Party Time, Ladies!"

8. Being abducted by Bigfoot tends to elicit sarcastic responses from horny young women. "We're fucked seven ways to Sunday."

9. Also, Bigfoot likes to smoke pot. (Probably to relax at the end of the day. It's probably pretty stressful being Bigfoot, I would imagine).

10. When the young sex slaves are not servicing the hairy beasts, they are forced to weave cloth on a loom. In a cave. (I swear. I'm not making this shizz up). This is best summed up by this quote: "Weavers by day, cocksuckers by night."

11. When Bigfoot gets mad at his girl, she might get a spanking.

12. Bigfoot clans travel around the forest in carts, and have goats. I'm not sure if the goats are pets or a food source.

13. The captives waver between wanting to escape--"I'm only 18! I'm too young to get knocked up with some Planet of the Apes baby!"--to wanting Bigfoot as a boyfriend--"I'd done the unspeakable. I'd fallen in love with my ape." I guess this is sort of a Stockholm syndrome situation going on.

14. Bigfoot has a 12 inch penis.

15. Bigfoot likes to serve his captive hot tea. It's so civilized!

16. The captives figure out why Sasquatch is so horny. "I guess this is what happens when there's no TV."

17. Bigfoot is no different than human men. He likes watching a rousing lesbian sex scene.

18. Bigfoot is a family guy. He dreams of a cave, a woman, and some furry offspring.

19. Never say Bigfoot doesn't know how to romance his captive. Bigfoot enjoys hot tub parties. (Improvisation with a hot spring).

20. The girls are concerned about the hot tub party. "Maybe this was some sort of Bigfoot brainwashing technique?" They were right. It was.


In conclusion, Bigfoot appears to be a big, hairy, horny, family-oriented beast who dines mostly on beef jerky, enjoys hot tub parties, and has a rudimentary grasp of English.

Citations:

CUM 4 BIGFOOT 2 by Virginia Wade
CUM 4 BIGFOOT 3 by Virginia Wade


Have a hairy day,
Penelope

20 comments:

Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com said...

I guess Bigfoot also like Porsches (character's name). So you read two of these, huh?

I am amused that you use the eff word and then use "Shizz." For some reason I would have a hard time using "fuck" in a review. Which is weird because I have been told I use it too much in speech.

Penelope said...

Leonard + Porsche 4-EVER!

Well, I quoted the "F" word, to be technical. And I love the word "shizz"...but I have no problem using naughty words in a review about Bigfoot and his horny captives. It just seems appropriate.

;^)

Juju at Tales of Whimsy.com said...

Oh my!

Penelope said...

Juju....COVER YOUR EYES!

Jessica said...

I live in Washington and am pretty sure some of these things you have learned about Bigfoot have appeared on public service announcements geared toward hikers. Especially the one about the brainwashing via hot tub. Hikers really gotta be careful of that.

Tom Stronach said...

penny, I suspect that we are all really sneakily grateful that you are out there reading this crap, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO, and your revues are also, i suspect, much more entertaining than the actual book would be

Loves Ya xxxxxxx

Penelope said...

Jessica...Based on my research, I'm going to recommend NOT hiking in Washington. Especially if you are a hot, 18 year old blonde chick. Just sayin.

Penelope said...

Tom--You would be surprised how many of these crappy stories are on the Top 100 Lists at Amazon. Evidently, folks really love Bigfoot Orgy Erotica. Clearly, I'm writing the wrong sub-genre.

KB/KT Grant said...

Bigfoot has a 12 inch penis. Oh my.

Bigfoot is a farmer? Where do they get the pot?

Penelope said...

KB--That is a VERY good question. I'll have to add it to the list titled GIGANTIC PLOT HOLES IN CUM 4 BIGFOOT SERIES.

Julia Barrett said...

Oh god. Ow and Yuck. Bestiality... beef jerky, pot and weaver sex slaves. Yeah, gotta love it.
Bigfoot doesn't farm. He probably gets to harvest some pot from the Mexican drug cartels growing pot up in Bigfoot territory. You know... quid pro quo.

Penelope said...

Hi Julia! Honestly, I think Bigfoot spends way too much time having orgies to cultivate farmland or do other activities.

Tasha Brandstatter said...

You learned more from these books than I learned in my first two semesters of college! ;)

Penelope said...

Tasha...Who needs college when there is a CUM 4 BIGFOOT series available? I wonder if I can get a PhD in Bigfoot Studies?

anny cook said...

Well...I believe this has be beat, hands down. :-) No contest!

Penelope said...

Yes, Anny, I think this series wins Wackiest Woodland Creature Erotica Award. I'm sure it will turn up in my Top 20 list at the end of the year. For sure!

Daisy Prescott said...

Wow. There really is something out there for everyone. Even Bigfoot.

Well, you know what they say, big feet...

Great blog!

x
Daisy

Penelope said...

Hi Daisy! I bet if Bigfoot could read he would LOVE this book!

GRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAARRRRRRR!

Scarlett Parrish said...

I like no.14. Has he got a brother? Largefoot, for example?

Yours,
Scarlett, aged 37 and still single.

Penelope said...

Hi Scarlett. There are many cousins in the Bigfoot Extended Family. But you'll have to work the loom!