Sunday, June 10, 2012

Zombies V Nun: Chapter Six



Zombies V Nun: Chapter Six

The Final Chapter

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Pearl whispered a prayer of gratitude as she and Caleb entered the vintner’s courtyard. Thanks to a gated drawbridge and moat, the poor, unfortunate undead people had avoided this area of the convent. It was lucky that Caleb had picked up a pitchfork on the way. He needed it to impale Sister Lucia Leonard, who’d been hanging gleefully on the gate with Sister Alessandra’s head. Now both of them were at the bottom of the pond.

“Oh my goodness,” said Pearl, shaking her head sadly. “What are we going to do?”

Caleb wiped his bloody hands on his apron. “Don’t think any amount of bleach is going to fix this mess.”

Both of them stared at the screeching zombies on the other side of the moat.

“Uh, Caleb, how long do you think we can fend them off? I sure hope we don’t have another dry season, like last spring. If the water in that moat disappears….” Pearl paused dramatically.

“…we’re zombie amuse-bouche. I get it.” Caleb grabbed Pearl by the arm, pulled her against his bloody clothes, and kissed her passionately.

“Caleb! Have you lost your mind? I’m a nun!”

“For Christ’s sake, Pearl, if you haven’t noticed, we’re pretty freakin’ close to being zombie brunch. It’s not gonna matter if we fool around and drink some of Sister Rosetta’s wine collection now. Our days are numbered. The end is near. We’re gonna be taking a dirt nap. There’s no hope….”

Pearl rolled her eyes. “Enough! I get it. We might as well have a glass of wine and wait for our undead destiny.”

“Yeah. If I’m going to get eaten by Sister Roberta, I damned well wanna be off-my-rocker, puking-my-guts-out, bloody, bloomin’ stinkin’ drunk.”

The last two survivors of the Holy Sisters of Saint Matthew sat down on a bench, opened up the 2009 Merlot, and proceeded to get totally shit-faced. Sister Pearl had to admit that when the zombies finally figured out how to fling their surprisingly flexible limbs over the moat, she was feeling no pain.

As Sister Roberta roared toward her, with her bloody gnashing teeth, Pearl stood up in her revealing mini-skirt ensemble and faced her unflinchingly. Just as the undead nun leaned in for a snack, Pearl flung her glass of wine at the hideous face and yelled “Take that, you horrible monster!”

Roberta stilled, licked her remaining lips, and said, “Hmmm. Excellent bouquet.”

“Holy crap! The wine! It’s the antidote! The shitastic wine!” Caleb grabbed an armful of bottles and raced to the moat. He cracked them against the stone wall and splashed the zombies with a mixture of zinfandel, pinot grigio, and cab. The undead horde smacked their oozing lips together and grumbled in satisfaction. Soon, the lot of them were sitting in a stupor by the moat, guzzling bottles of wine.

Sister Roberta patted Pearl on the back. “Well, you saved the day, my dear. I fear we have a rather big clean-up on our hands.” She looked down and realized both of her hands were missing. “Oops! Guess I’m getting out of clean-up duty.”

Pearl, Caleb and Roberta chuckled as the Zombie Apocalypse came to a wine-soaked conclusion.

THE END

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Yes, it's true. Penelope penned a zombie apocalypse story with a happy ending. Did you expect anything less from this romance-lover? Puh-leese!

For those of you who missed the beginning of this long-winded and bloody saga, here are some links....


Hope you enjoyed the story!

Time for a nice glass of wine,
Penelope

12 comments:

Tom Stronach said...

Oh Penny! Deliciously, Wickedly, Engagingly, funny, although I am a bit disappointed Caleb's charms, even if his Apron was a blood stained, brain splattered mess....

And my Ishbel always says, there is nothing like a good glass of red and a bar of dark chocolate to make the GREY ills of the day fade to a bright rainbow dream fest... must be true then....

Publish as a short story, it will sell

Penelope said...

Oh, Tom.....chocolate would have been another excellent anecdote! Perhaps that can occur in the Zombie Apocalypse Part 2?

:^)

caseywyatt.com said...

Penny - that was awesome! Will there be more zombie adventures?

Julia Barrett said...

Nooooooo! Not her hands!?! Bring them back! And yes, wine is the cure-all.

Natasha Gdansk said...

Great series and advice! Forget weapons, I am going to stock up on wine. I enjoyed this very much!

Penelope said...

Hi Casey....no plans for any more at the moment. Pretty soon The Walking Dead will be on and that will suck up all my zombie interests!

Penelope said...

Thanks for reading, Julia. Of course, wine saved the day. HEA Forever!

Penelope said...

Hi Natasha....thanks for sticking with it! Enjoy your wine!

margot said...

Julia- I think it was Sister Roberta's hands, not Pearl's, tho I thought the same thing at first. Pearl can't lose her hands, she needs them to high-ten LL Cool J, I mean Caleb the Cook.

Penelope said...

Margot....you are correct. Sister Roberta is hand-less at the end, not Pearl.

And yes, you are also correct that LL Cool J from Deep Blue Sea is the inspiration for Caleb. :^)

Hi sis!!!!!!! Thanks for stopping by to read this wacko story!

margot said...

haha, I figured out how to use the comment section. (I signed in thru "Google Account", although that is a bit unnerving -- how are all these sites connected? How does "Blogger" even know I have a gmail account..? Gah.)

Anyway now that I know how to sign on I can start heckling you mercilessly. :)

Penelope said...

Hi Margot! Excellent. I love heckling. Bring it on, yo!