Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Open Call: Penny's Octogenarian Street Team



Open Call for Penny Watson' Octogenarian Street Team.....



Requirements:

*Must be at least 80 years old.
*Must be a firm supporter of The Phantom Menace and the ramifications pertaining to that statement.
*Must approve of facial hair.
*Must believe in Santa Claus, or at the very least, be a fan of the movie Elf.
*The ability to read, with or without bifocals, would be extremely helpful.


Alternate member requirements:
*All dachshunds are conferred honorary membership. No AKC papers are necessary.


Your duties (which can be found on the 42 page contract titled "Penny's Street Team: To The Death"):

*If anyone makes disparaging remarks about The Phantom Menace, fisticuffs are encouraged.
*Upon hearing the expression "Merry Christmas," the appropriate response is "Have you read Penny Watson's adorable holiday series, The Klaus Brothers?" Providing Amazon links pre-printed on holiday cards is required.
*Leaving holiday decorations (including exterior and interior lights, tinsel, trees, Santa collections, holiday dishware, creepy Nutcrackers, and humiliating doggie sweaters for your pets) up all year long is required.
*Playing Celine Dion's holiday musical CD is required daily. (We don't accept medical exemptions from your doctor either. Nice try).
*In a very subtle and round-about way, please leave Penny's books at the library, church, lady's auxiliary club, garden centers, hairdressers, Friendly's®, grocery store, and senior center. If the half-naked dude on the front cover seems off-putting, you may cover his abs with a Santa Claus sticker. Stickers will be provided to all members of the Penny Watson Octogenarian Street Team.


Your rewards:

*You'll probably get into Heaven.
*Great presents from Santa at Christmas time.
*Less likely that Penny will embarrass you in a blog post.
*Coupons from Etsy


So, what are you waiting for? To The Death, People!
Penny

ETA: Lucy and I are at Coffee with a Canine today. Lucy will be fielding questions all day....please stop by and heckle the diva! :^)

12 comments:

Tom Andrews said...

This is perhaps the strangest thing I've ever seen. I believe I just heard a great ripping sound in the fabric of reality.

Penelope said...

Tom, THIS is the strangest thing you've ever seen. THIS? Awesome! That is a huge compliment coming from Mr. Eyeball-Lint Socket-Sheep. Just wait until I start posting Zombies V. Nuns. You're gonna love that one!

Casey Wyatt said...

Sweet! I can't wait for the zombie vs. nuns show down - bring it on!

Penelope said...

Hi Casey! I just wrote the first chapter today. :^)

Tom Andrews said...

I'll put money on the nuns any day.

Penelope said...

Picture a nun who looks like Ripley from Aliens 2....that's what I'm picturing. And her side-kick is LL Cool J from Deep Blue Sea. :^)

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Well, I guess I won't be trash talking about The Phantom Menace - the worst movie ever made in the history of the universe....
Sorry, couldn't resist.

Penelope said...

Haaaaaaa!!!!! That's funny, Julia. I would just like to clarify one thing....I love the fight scene with Dark Maul. That is all. Ewan McGregor, Liam Neeson and Darth Maul. That whole thing kicks butt. If you trash talk that scene, then fisticuffs will ensue with my Octogenarian Posse. For sure. :^)

Barbara W. said...

You had me up until the Christmas decorations. I'm too damn crabby to decorate ever since my kid went to college.

Now get off my lawn.

Penelope said...

Really? I had you until the xmas decorations? How about the Celine Dion music? :^)

Tasha B. said...

I totally qualify for this, but I'm not 80! Gahhhh! If I bring my grandma along, will it count?

Penelope said...

Yep....bring your grammie! The more the merrier!