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Sunday, January 15, 2012

An Invitation to Read This Book, With Just a Few Conditions....

Miss Penelope,

Our client has written a stunning work of epic proportions. We would like to invite you to read and review this book, with just a few conditions....

1. You must have at least 100,000 followers on your blog.
2. Your blog must have won a minimum of 386 awards.
3. Your followers must all possess a high school diploma.
4. We frown upon an abundance of curse words.
5. Blogs with half-clothed male models will not be approved.
6. We highly encourage 4 or 5 star reviews. If you grade this work below that mark, please do not expect to receive any more freebies from our publisher.
7. If you do decide to read and review this book and give it an excellent rating, we have a time-share in Bermuda that is open in the month of April.
8. Promoting this book via tweets, facebook posts, etc will result in 250 additional free ebooks being sent to your address.
9. Blogs with satirical posts mocking the publishing industry will not be approved.
10. Due to an unfortunate incident with a dachshund in our childhood, any blogs with a weenie dog mascot will not be approved.

We hope to hear from you soon,
Marketing Director for The Next Big Thing

P.S. Once you have signed the attached document in your own blood and returned it, we will send you a pdf file.

Dear Marketing Director,

Boy, oh boy. I sure hope I meet your stringent requirements. I never realized that I had to pass a strict set of criteria in order to read a book and write a review. How about I buy the book with my own money, and then I can say whatever I want to. I'm gonna pass on the freebies.

Have a nice day,


Unknown said...

You GO, Girl!

Tom Stronach said...

not that I have anywhere near that number of followers, But I think I too would have passed, good call

Juju at Tales of Whimsy.com said...

Love #10.

Penelope said...

To Unknown.....(I love that name, by the way....so mysterious and excellent!)....Thanks! :^)

Penelope said...

Hi Tom! This book actually looks good, and I'm considering buying it when it is released. But I do have a wee little problem w/ folks telling me what I need to do/be/have/look like/achieve before I can read and review their book. Hmmmm........

Penelope said...

Hi Juju...hee hee! Weenie dog phobia is alive and real.

Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com said...

You got something like that but not that that-ish right?
I have never had anyone send me a letter like that although I have had pubs just never return my emails and some turn down on Net Galley.

My thing is advertisers that won't accept me on COmmission Junction or Linkshare b/c I refuse to be censored, ie. I will discuss adiult topics if I want. That's why my blog says right at the top YOU MUST BE 18 or OLDER> Christian Mingle ads come up on my site all the time. Particularly if I am discussing something really skanky. But other companies that sell sexy stuff or lingerie or sex toys won't because I have adult topics. I went directly to one and it wasn't their policy at all so I signed up directly to them).

Are there book blogs with 100K followers. Awesomeness.

Amber Skyze said...

LOL Go Penny!

Penelope said...

Hi Steph...obviously, I am exaggerating. Slightly. Just making fun of the new "rules and regulations" for book bloggers. I find it extremely hilarious that publishers/marketers/authors are trying to tell us how to read, how to review, if we can read/review, what we should read/review. For cripes sakes, remember when folks could just go to the library, get a book, and then maybe...uh...talk about it? Oh, the insanity!

I'm still an Old Skool Blogger...no Net Galley, no ads, no sponsors. But I still get tons of request emails w/ all this crazy stuff. Sheesh!

Penelope said...

Hi Amber..hee hee! I might be poor from buying too many books, but I'm free! I'm free! :^)

Dead Trees and Silver Screens said...

Oh Penny...you are too funny! I like getting ARCs, it is exciting if it something I'm really interested in but otherwise, it just feels like an obligation, a big hassle. Not that I have that many followers anyway! I don't like ads or sponsors either but I will use Net Galley for time to time but I state right on my profile that I will be honest and tell it how I see it.

They seriously used "to unknown", that is crazy!

Jaye said...

You so funny, Penny.

You make a good point, too.

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Oh Penny - my laugh for the day. I do not have a wienie dog phobia! This is why I discourage authors from sending me ARCs - which they want to do for some reason. I'm not a reviewer. If I read a book I like I'm gonna say something, but if I read a book I don't like, my silence speak volumes.
Besides, lately it seems like very few books receive less than a 3.5 star review, or a B-. It's kind weird. Used to be that more reviewers were honest. I think reviewers are now afraid to post a negative review - except for Steph who's had her share lately. And you, of course!

Penelope said...

Hi Dead Trees! No, they did use my name. Although I have had plenty of requests to "Dear Romance Blogger" and my favorites "Dear Blogger, We love your site! We noticed that you love contemporary YA novels with a Big Mistunderstanding theme." :^) Somebody just shoot me please!

Penelope said...

Hi Jaye....Boy, I sure got a lot of requests this week. Must be something in the water.

Penelope said...

Julia....I have actually seen tons of C reviews lately. You know who posts D and F review? AAR! They post everything...they don't give a crap. I like that.

Fiction Vixen said...

Sheesh!! I've never had a "request" like this. Wow, just wow.

I'm especially offended by the wiener dog part. *wink*

Penelope said...

FV---Weenie dog discrimination is an ugly business. And a deal-breaker for sure.