Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Dear Mr. Publisher....




Dear Mr. Johnny Come Lately Publisher,

My name is Miranda B. Cuttlefish, and I have written a beautiful and romantic story about two young star-crossed lovers. The title is A Sweet Summertime Love. The heroine is a kind social worker who helps underprivileged children in her spare time, and the hero is a marine with a severe crew-cut who worships the ground she walks on. This lovely contemporary is a "sweet" romance....in other words, no unsavory scenes, if you get my drift. I hope you will consider publishing it. I am a former nun who is following my life-long dream of becoming a romance novelist.

Sincerely,
Miranda B. Cuttlefish

***

Dear Ms. Cuttlefish,

I read your story and found it quite intriguing. I especially like the hero's crew cut. However, I am wondering if you are open to making a few changes to the manuscript before publication. Rated G "sweet" romances are not that popular right now. Could we include some oral sex scenes? In other words, they don't have to "go all the way" but a blow job will surely help sales. What do you think?

John

****

Dear John,

Well, I am slightly uncomfortable with those sorts of unnatural sex acts, but I suppose if you think it will help sales, I would be willing to give it a try.

Sincerely,
Miranda

****

Dear Ms. Cuttlefish,

I have looked over your re-writes and the oral sex scenes need some work. For example, just placing a chaste kiss on the tip of a penis does not actually constitute oral sex. Also, my colleagues think that a menage scenario would spice this story up a bit. One of them also suggested a spanking scene. Maybe when they are visiting the grandmother who lives in Sicily? What do you think?

John

****

Dear John,

I am not familiar with the French language. What exactly does menage mean? And I'm not sure a spanking scene would be appropriate at that emotional point in the story. His grandmother has just died, and you want him to spank the heroine? I don't get it.

Miranda

****

Dear Ms. Cuttlefish,

After further discussion, my colleagues have agreed to publish your book if the following changes are made to the manuscript....

1.) The hero is a vampire.
2.) The heroine is a submissive who requires copious amounts of flogging in order to orgasm.
3.) At least 4 scenes in the book should include anal sex and butt plugs.
4.) A male/male sex scene (potentially orgy) should be added during the marine reunion chapter.
5.) Instead of a crew cut, the hero should have long, shaggy hair (evidently women find this attractive).

Please make the necessary revisions and we will get back to you.

John

****

Dear John,

1.) The majority of my story takes place during daylight hours, so I'm not sure how to transform the hero into a vampire, since he would be instantly incinerated.
2.) What is a butt plug?
3.) How many characters need to be involved in an "orgy"? Just looking for a ball-park figure.
4.) I really feel the crew cut is important to the hero's character since he is a marine.

Miranda

****

Dear Ms. Cuttlefish,

We were pleasantly surprised by your re-writes. Who knew a nun would be so creative with a marine super-orgy scene? That was truly inspired. We now feel your book is ready for publication. In fact, I predict stunning sales for this work. Thank you so much for your flexibility.

John

****

Dear John,

This has certainly been an eye-opening experience for me. After doing some "hands-on" research at the local BDSM club to ensure my book had an authentic feel to it, I am now considered one of the premiere female dominatrixes in my area. I can't wait for Spanking Henrietta to hit the stores. Thanks so much for your help.

Miranda

20 comments:

Sullivan McPig said...

A very likely scenario :-p

Amber Skyze said...

Hahahahaha! I'm sure this has happened a few times. :)

Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com said...

I know quite a few guys who went to Catholic schools who always thought nuns were secretly dominatrices.

Actually I read a story over the last Christmas holidays where a, never mind...

Beebs said...

OMG! ROFLMAO! this is so funny.

It's so easy to believe that this happens.*g*

Dana Alma said...

Hey Penelope,
I'm a new follower! Steph from Fangs Wands and Fairy Dust , gave your site a shout-out and you do not disappoint! Hella a funny! Loved the post, can't wait to see what you come up with next!
See ya,
Dana
Readaholics Anonymous

Penelope said...

Sullivan...Even good girls can be swayed to the dark side.

Penelope said...

Hi Amber! God, I hope not....but I'm a little worried. I think I might need to stock up on some Amish books.

Penelope said...

Hi Steph....don't even tell me about naughty nun books!

Penelope said...

Hi Beebs....thanks for stopping by! :^)

Penelope said...

Thanks, Dana! So glad you found my site....big thanks to Steph, too!

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Bwaaaaa-haaaaaa! You are my hero and my soul mate! Smack me bum and shiver me timbers! (I think it's talk like a pirate week.)

KB/KT Grant said...

OMG LMAO!! From chaste kiss to the penis to a nun getting frisky, I was dying.

bookster said...

haaa!!! what is a ball park figure for an orgy??? haaa!!! so funny!!

Penelope said...

hee heee heee.....good one, Julia! I could have added a pirate into the story...I forgot about that.

Penelope said...

Hi Kate! I think frisky nuns are definitely underutilized in romance novels.

Penelope said...

Hi bookster! I liked that joke, too! :^)

heidenkind said...

LMAO Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard I was crying, literally crying.

At least she got to keep the crew cut. Standards!

Penelope said...

Hi Tasha! Gotta stick to your guns, right?

Nina Pierce said...

ROFLMBO!! Poor sweet nun. Thanks for the laugh Penny, just what I needed today.

Penelope said...

Hi Nina! Thanks for stopping by! Sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to you at the NEC meeting...maybe at the RI meeting in a couple of weeks?