Monday, September 12, 2011

Coz Nothing Says Bad-Ass More Than Pearls And A Cardigan...



Many moons ago, I read my first paranormal romance novel....Christine Feehan's Dark Prince. It was dark, melodramatic, violent at times. Vampires and vampire-hunters killed, maimed, tortured. Carpathian heroes dominated, defended, and crushed any heroine-resistance. I could only imagine how bad-ass the author must be. Any person who created such a riveting, dark and dramatic tale must certainly look the part. So here is how I imagined Christine Feehan....in a long, black duster, leather pants, 6-inch high stiletto boots, long flowing black hair, talon-like fingernails, smoky eye-shadow. Tall and voluptuous, with a smattering of bad-ass tattoos, probably one on her bosom. (Picture Sandra Dee from the end of Grease, only kicked up a couple of notches!).

What I discovered, is that she actually looks like this....

Oh...My....God! I couldn't believe it! The woman whose brain conjured up creamy skin and velvet sheaths and smoky-hot sex scenes and gruesome vampire deaths looked like someone's granny (she is)....cute and cuddly and super nice and like someone who would probably make you a batch of brownies if you were sick. For Christ's sakes, the puppies have bows in their hair. Bows! Pink and blue! Ack!

This is the super bad-ass who created the Dark series? I could not believe it. And then I started to investigate some more of my favorite authors.

JR Ward, creator of trash-talking, super-pumped, highly sexed, killing machines. Would she wear shit-kickers like the brothers? Black leather pants and a nice collection of tats? I almost fell out of a chair when I saw her bleached-blond hair in a bun, strands of pearls around her neck, and some sunglasses straight out of Risky Business. Because nothing says "I'm a bad-ass urban fantasy writer" more than pearls, right? Her elegant country-club attire makes her look like a model for a Talbot's catalogue.



What about Julie Garwood? Jayne Ann Krentz? JAK writes dark and eerie paranormal romance, both contemporary and historical. I expected someone who had an air of mystery. Actually she is perky, cute, and totally wholesome. (See photo below). And Julie Garwood, who has created the most alpha-hot, totally domineering Scottish warriors, not to mention some dark and disturbing contemporary romantic suspense, looks like a cross between a librarian and a college professor.  

Julie Garwood, creator of hot, sexy Scottish dudes.

JAK...So cute I want to pinch her cheeks!

Then I started to meet some erotica writers. You know, the ones who write about menages, and BDSM, and butt plugs, and all kinds of scary stuff that make me want to curl up in the fetal position. And you know what? Most of them look like soccer moms, or grandmoms, or totally ordinary, non-goth got-no-Harley, women. What's up with that? Why do the folks writing these sexy, bad-ass, and sometimes extremely naughty books, look....well....sort of boring?

Because they have really wicked-awesome imaginations, that's why! You don't have to be a bad-ass biker girl to write like one. Or about one. Or about her 3 hunky boyfriends. You just need an extremely well-developed imagination.

There is one author who actually looks the part. Gail Carriger writes quirky, steampunky stories. And she looks quirky and steampunky. The perfect match!


Anyhow, I am constantly amused by the author photos at the back of romance novels. After finishing a steamy, sexy, naughty book, there is nothing more hilarious than seeing that Susi Q. Author actually looks like someone's granny who knits booties at Christmas-time.

It crushed my fantasy of what romance writers really look like, but as long as they keep cranking out the books I love, who cares?

Thinking I should get a strand of pearls,
Penelope

27 comments:

Amber Skyze said...

I'm always amazed by what the author looks like. I always seem to be way off base from what I believe they should look like! :)

Happy Monday.

Penelope said...

Actually, I thought of another author who sort of "looks the part"....Stephen King. I can totally see him coming up with all sorts of scary stuff! It's the eyes!

Juju at Tales of Whimsy.com said...

Gail does match her work. Cool post.

Penelope said...

Hi Juju! I guess I could always dress up like Mrs. Claus if I wanted to match my "genre"....Christmas romance. I could wear a red coat, white mittens, and bake a lot of gingerbread. :^)

Lindsay Kiernan said...

I have to admit that it bothers me to see the authors sometimes after reading their books. I guess that I want to keep it a mystery but can't help looking at the last page of the book anyway. The worst is when they look just like someone you know and don't like. Ugg. At the same time I know that I don't exactly fit the part either.

As for you Penny, I am now convinced that you need to change your profile picture to you dressed up as Mrs. Claus! It is almost Halloween and I'm sure that there would be some costumes in the stores!

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Oh pearls are classic. Go for it. And pull your hair back in a bun, with a few stray curls in sexy disarray, and get some of those old-fashioned sparkly glasses! That would be a great look for you!

I know a lot of erotica/romance/UF writers are cookie-baking granny-types. I'm clear on that. No problem. But man, I met this one sextreme erotica writer and she looked like a dirty, messy, wrinkled, dried up, starving homeless person. It freaked me out to the enth degree. I mean I totally freaked.

One must be careful. After I met her, I could not bring myself to read another word she wrote. Not fair to her, I know, but I couldn't help it. Could not get the reality out of my head, especially since she portrays herself as a sexpot playboy bunny. Too much contrast between the way she describes herself and the way she really looks.

Penelope said...

Good idea, Lindsay! I'll start looking for an "appropriate" costume...hee hee!

The truth is, it's worse when an erotica writer tries to "sex up" her photo....I have seen authors in lingerie, etc. Enough to burn your eyeballs. Yikes!

bookster said...

LOL!!! too funny!!!

Penelope said...

Hi Julia! Good point. Looking slovenly is never a good idea. All writers should really try to look professional and put together if they are at a conference or public event. Although I think I could pull off a leather pants ensemble, add some pearls, and still look professional. :^)

J. R. Ward said...

LOL! Someone sent me your URL and I have to laugh- I am a pearls girl, and the country club attire call out is totally apt- and yeah, I do bleach the crap out of my hair (although I refer to it as having more of my natural color applied ;) ) It just goes to prove that you can't help what shows up in your head- and listen, I'd rather write about the Brothers than stuffy old school lawyers any day lolol Thanks for making me smile- oh, and btw, I have seen Christine in Apple Bottom Jeans, to be fair ;) And this is really me!

Penelope said...

HOLY CRAPTASTIC! (Excuse me while I remove the defibrillation paddles from my chest)....JR WARD left a comment! Woo hoo! (Quickly checking to make sure I didn't totally insult her....phew! Looks all right).

Hi JR! It's too bad you have to bleach your hair...my low-lights and high-lights are all totally natural, and don't actually cost $300 every 2 months. Plus tip. ;^)

Anyhow, I just think it's ironic that the woman who creates horrifying, sexed-up, over-the-top Vampire stuff looks like a girl named Muffy from my prep school. Pearls Forever! Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a comment!

Penelope said...

Hi bookster! Happy to amuse you. :^)

Dalton Diaz said...

Great blog!
I write erotica and I sex it up at conferences, tho not to any extremes. Funny thing is, I spent my entire life up to this point wearing loose clothing and crossing my arms over my chest. Then DD is born and boom, a few times a year I'm ok with being in everybody's face!

Penelope said...

Hi DD! Some of us have to wear wonder-bras to achieve your natural bounty. (And we still don't even get close). You should be proud of your God-given "assets"....hee hee!

A Buckeye Girl Reads said...

Great post! I always love seeing what authors look like in real life.

Penelope said...

Hi Buckeye Girl! At one of my first writer meetings, I was sitting next to this nice, very down-to-earth woman with gray hair and thick glasses. After talking to her for awhile, someone leaned over and told me..."You know that's Hannah Howell, right?" I almost fell out of my chair! I wonder if any Scottish historical romance writers ever wear a kilt for the hell of it?

Susan said...

I would rather have authors spend their creativity and time on their writing than waste time dressing up.

I love Feehan's and JR Ward's books, and I'm always blown away by their creativity.

Penelope said...

Hi Susan! Good point. Most writers spend most of the day in their pajamas anyhow. (Well, at least I do when I'm writing....they're so comfy!).

Michelle Polaris said...

What I like about these real shots of romance writers is that they remind me that all women have sexy, spicy romantic parts of them. You don't need to look one way to have either a satisfying sex life or a sexy imagination. It's inside us all. Although I must admit that after dressing suburbia most days I do enjoy wearing my black boots.

Penelope said...

I like your attitude, Michelle! You're right about that. "Sexy" doesn't have to look a certain way...although your black boots are smoking! :^)

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Penny - you rock! I'm vicariously getting off on J.R. Ward visiting your site and commenting!

Penelope said...

Hee hee...thanks, Julia!

Steph from fangswandsandfairydust.com said...

Leanna Renne Hieber.
She has a costume for Percy. All very white. She's a dear though.

Penelope said...

Hi Steph! Another good one....Leanna has some great steampunky outfits, too!

Rebekah said...

my favorite WTF NO Way author moment came with Kate Douglas. Wolf Tales are some DIRTY DIRTY erotic novels and there she is a grandma who lives in the woods with her adorably nerdy hubby. and she is soooo sweet.

Rebekah said...

also, ive ended up in several situations where people have told me they are surprised im not white. *shrugs*

Penelope said...

Hi Rebekah! You gotta watch out for those grannies....they're the ones with the naughtiest imaginations! Do you write about white characters? Or different ethnicities? That's a weird comment for people to make, but I think it's good to keep them guessing. Adds an air of mystery!