Tuesday, May 31, 2011
"How To Walk A Weenie Dog" by Penelope
1. Announce you are going for a walk. Use your "stern" voice.
2. Lucy runs away and hides.
3. Find Lucy hiding in the bedroom. Attach leash.
4. Lucy rolls over on her back.
5. Drag Lucy through the house on her back, effectively using her as a mop. Make sure to get dust in the kitchen.
6. Attempt to pull Lucy out the door.
7. Once you accept the fact that the dog will not roll over, lift her in your arms.
8. Walk for approximately 40 ft, then put weenie dog on the sidewalk and say "Time to walk, Lucy." Again, use "stern" voice.
9. Lucy sits down on sidewalk.
10. Lift dog and carry for 40 more feet. Lucy closes eyes and gets in a quick nap.
11. Put weenie dog on sidewalk and tug gently on leash. Try embarrassing her. "You are the laziest-ass dog in the world!"
12. Dog lies down on sidewalk.
13. Do not give up! Carry dog for 40 more feet. Put her down. Jog in place. Say, "Doesn't this look fun? Let's walk!"
14. Lucy sits on her ass and looks at a blade of grass.
15. Neighbor drives by and yells out of car window "Nice walk!" Laugh at stupid joke.
16. Get to half-way point of walk. Put Lucy down. Lucy pees and poops on unsuspecting neighbor's lawn. (Don't forget poopie bags for clean up).
17. At this point, Lucy realizes she is half-way home. She commences her "walk"....sashaying down the sidewalk, swishing her tail back and forth in a very sassy manner.
18. Praise dog. "Good girl, Lucy!"
19. Get home. Lucy starts 3-hour nap to compensate for the 5 minutes of exercise she was forced to endure.
20. Repeat procedure every day of your life.